Need advice for a WW who left

[dwh15]

Right Fogg. It was a mistake. I got so caught up and excited about the idea she might actually be leaving OM that I got carried away. As I said, lesson learned. The next blowout can't be far down the road. She's had complaints about him almost from Day 1. I used to hear about them, back when I was trying to play the BFF role, but since I put a stop to that, no idea anymore. But based on what I heard recently, combined with what I already knew, that R is built on a house of cards. I don't think it's a matter of IF but WHEN it comes tumbling down. And next time, she's gonna be on her own to figure out the tough questions like where she'll live, how she'll make ends meet, etc. I know she still thinks of me as the backup plan, but it's gonna be a hard reality hitting her in the face. Tough love I guess you would say. It's gonna kill me but I know it has to be done for WW to have any chance at coming to her senses.

Boy, am I having a hard time tonight. I think between the drama earlier in the week, and then having to see her again today, it's taken a toll on me. Really struggling not to fire off a text and check in. But I haven't - I know better. Boy, this DB stuff is hard.

[dwh15]

Just had a random thought. It was mid 80s and muggy here today. Next week looks as bad or worse. WW has central AC but it apparently broke and I guess they don't have money to fix it. My S18 said the last time he was over and it was this hot, her house was miserable inside. Can you say consequences? I can't help but smile a little bit thinking about it while I lay here in a comfortable AC cooled home, which she CHOSE to leave.

[dwh15]

Well, I slept pretty well, and not feeling nearly as down this morning as I was yesterday. Been thinking about some of WW's complaints and realized that one of her big ones was she felt ignored and not loved. And I can see how she might have felt that way, even though it was never my intention. Given that, is going dark or dim the best way to handle my sitch? She's still with OM, so maybe that is the way to handle it, but I am worried that maybe it comes across as more of the same. Although I certainly don't want to enable her cake eating, as that's what I did for the first few weeks, trying to be her BFF, and I didn't feel it was helping me at all. She had everything she needed, with no motivation at all to want to patch things up with me romantically. Has anyone had a similar sitch and successfully navigated out of the storm?

[Vanilla]

dwh,

I think dark isn't possible with kids anyway.

I would validated like the best of them, and deflect a lot. If WW main complaint was neglect that won't help you. If neglect has invalidated you will need the magic 5:1 ratio, five validation to every invalidations. I did post how to kill your marriage, a sort of reverse invalidation post. Do check out validation cheat sheet by Wonka. Pure magic.

There is a thread on going dark somewhere. I will see if I can find it for you. It's one of Sandis I think.

Found it, but the link icon sometimes doesn't work on this iPad, apologies if it times out whilst I do it:

going dark

V

[Vanilla]

Link to how to invalidate, a tiny bit tongue in cheek!

how to invalidate

Wonkas validation cheat sheet:

how to validate

V

[dwh15]

Thank You so much V for the links. I have been validating WW at every opportunity, but unfortunately I don't seem to get many. My best shot was a few days ago when she was having trouble with OM and really opened up, and got into our own R a little. I validated almost every sentence out of her mouth. She was saying things like "I deserve to be loved". Me: "Yes you do". Her: "I'm not settling anymore in a relationship." Me: "No, you shouldn't have to." But those types of situations don't come up very often, and I'm not sure I want the time I'm doing it to be when she's had a fight with OM. I already decided next time that happens I need to stay out of it let her figure it out without any help from me.

On my daily GAL activity, I took the kids and spent the day with my sister-in-law (WW's sister). Kids went swimming and we had a great spread of BBQ food. Talked with the in-laws for quite a while. They were asking me for updates, as they don't hear from WW at all anymore. Pretty sad, considering how close she used to be to her sisters. I think that maybe WW feels judged by everyone who used to be in her life and has pulled away almost completely. She has surrounded herself with "new" friends. Her family all really likes me and is hoping we can somehow patch things up. I promised to keep in touch and keep my kids involved in their lives, especially since my W seems to have no interest in doing so right now. So it was a good day overall, and I'm in pretty good spirits, getting ready to settle in for the night. Quite a change from yesterday. Hoping to take the kids to a zoo later this week, and maybe do some putt-putt golf on a different day. My GAL activities have to be centered around the kids, since they are with me 95% of the time, but that's OK by me. It's family GAL time. I did text WW a pic of the younger boys playing in the pool and got a quick reply saying Glad they having fun and send everyone my love. Hoping for more positive days ahead.

[Vanilla]

Validating is great for all R just try it on yourself too.

Spread liberally with a trowel, shovel even, tipper truck even better.

V

[Vanilla]

Yeah, comforting them on anything OM related isn't a good idea. They got themselves into that situation, they can deal with it.

On other things, like a bereavement or illness I think it is.

V

[sandi2]

I'm not sure I want the time I'm doing it to be when she's had a fight with OM. I already decided next time that happens I need to stay out of it let her figure it out without any help from me.

IMO, I do not believe it is a good thing if the WW turns to LBH to discuss her feelings for OM and their "relationship". It shows no respect for her H, which is one of the major problems with a WW. I believe the H needs to tell her, nicely, that it is not appropriate and he feels very uncomfortable hearing her discuss her feelings for another man. If she continues as though he said nothing, he should say, "Okay, I need to go now, bye".

Actually, she wants someone to lick her wounds and tell her what a great person she is and how OM is nuts to let her slip through his fingers. It's not that hard to see her turning to the one she's been M to all these years. But a WW has narcissistic characteristics, and the LBH would do well to remember she is not turning to him out of love.

Even if WW and OM broke up, it would not fix the M. She would use you to secure her a place to stay, etc., until something else caught her eye. She though all she had to do was throw a ILY and that's all it would require for her to pick up where she left off in the home. However, her wayward nature was not ready to give up OM. Be thankful she didn't move back home and then go back to OM.

I have not observed a successful reconciliation whenever the LBH makes it too easy for the WW to come back. She has to go through a process, which usually takes quite a while. If the LBH allows her to use him as a rubber ball, she may never see him as the man she really wants.

I haven't known any healthy male who wanted to be the "rebound". Even in early dating years, I never knew any guys in school who wanted girls to see them as just a friend, love him like a brother, or date him on a rebound.......(only for her to talk to him about the boy she really liked).

What has changed that scenario is that now these are adults and there is a legal M and family involved.......which makes it worse. Somehow though, I think deep down........the dynamics, or makeup, are about the same.

[dwh15]

I'm not sure I want the time I'm doing it to be when she's had a fight with OM. I already decided next time that happens I need to stay out of it let her figure it out without any help from me.

Actually, she wants someone to lick her wounds and tell her what a great person she is and how OM is nuts to let her slip through his fingers. It's not that hard to see her turning to the one she's been M to all these years. But a WW has narcissistic characteristics, and the LBH would do well to remember she is not turning to him out of love.

Even if WW and OM broke up, it would not fix the M. She would use you to secure her a place to stay, etc., until something else caught her eye. She though all she had to do was throw a ILY and that's all it would require for her to pick up where she left off in the home. However, her wayward nature was not ready to give up OM. Be thankful she didn't move back home and then go back to OM.

Great feedback Sandi, and I agree completely. In my case WW was definitely wanting me to tell her how great she was (which I did) and how OM would be crazy to let her get away (which I did NOT). I was doing my best to boost her self esteem, while not encouraging that she return to him. It was a desperate play on my part, and one that I will not repeat. The next time (and I'm sure there WILL be a next time) I'm not taking the bait. It's really hard to not comfort her, but I realize it's not doing me any good.

The thing I am proud of is that I never did agree to let her move back in, and in fact told her it was not a good idea, would be unfair to the kids and to me. But I did agree to help her figure out something, which I'm thinking was also a mistake. This is her mess, and I believe I have to let her deal with the fallout when things go badly with OM. She has to feel the consequences. Only when she's totally over with him and realizing how hard and different life is really going to be without either him or me in it, will we have any chance to try and work on our M.

One last thing. Noticed a couple of nights ago that WW posted a status on FB that simply said "Don't judge my life by the chapter you walked in on." It was made around 2:30am, which is VERY late for her, as she gets up at 7am most days. I know it's mind reading, but seems like she may have been having a hard time sleeping and is trying very hard to justify her decisions.