Need advice for a WW who left

[dwh15]

Wanted to add a little info on my plans for filing for D. My attorney has all the information on my sitch, and is ready to file as soon as I give the word. For now, I am holding off on purpose. First of all, with no D papers, there is no temp support order, meaning I don't have to give WW a dime, and other than a few dollars for gas this week, she won't be getting any more help from me. The other advantage is that I am logging daily the time she spends or more accurately, does not spend, with the kids. As previously mentioned, she rarely sees my special needs boys at all. The more time that passes with it being this way, the stronger my case to get full custody. My attorney said that the court is very likely to continue the status quo, especially if it has been going on for months.

Now, WW can certainly file herself if she chooses, but I know she doesn't have money to hire an attorney. She probably couldn't even come up with the $230 filing fee. So for now, I'm playing a waiting game. I know I can't drag it out forever, but with my current unemployed status, I'm happy to not be paying her support for at least a few more weeks. My biggest concern, as previously mentioned, is crossing the 20-year M mark and risking an order of perm spousal support. We hit 18 years at the end of May, and there is a mandatory 6-month waiting period after filing in this state, so I need to make sure I time it so I don't get too close to finalizing around May of 2017. In fact, I hate to say it, but I keep thinking that regardless of whether things start to turn around with WW, I need to go through with a D, just to avoid the possibility of that perm support. I would hate to reconcile, and then have it fall apart in a couple of years. I'll have to check with my attorney. Maybe we could do something like a post-nuptial agreement on that issue if we get to that point, so it wouldn't be a concern.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

Frankly I think this crazy loco of WW behaviour is good for you to observe, I am sorry if that sounds cruel, it isn't meant to be, like all sitches I wish it were different and there was less pain for you. And since it suits you then you can go brinkman on starting filing for April 2017 (filing six months earlier; that makes it more or less late October 2016), that's a long time in DB.

Also I think I would check a neighbours tyre pressure for them if it looked dangerous. So not one to beat yourself up over. plus WW may carry your precious cargo in the car! But I wouldn't put petrol in the car, if that makes sense?

V

[dwh15]

Frankly I think this crazy loco of WW behaviour is good for you to observe, I am sorry if that sounds cruel, it isn't meant to be, like all sitches I wish it were different and there was less pain for you.
V

It doesn't sound cruel, but how does it help me? Yes, I can see that she is clearly not acting like a sane person, but doesn't change my feelings.

And since it suits you then you can go brinkman on starting filing for April 2017 (filing six months earlier; that makes it more or less late October 2016), that's a long time in DB.

What does it mean to "go brinkman"? I don't plan on waiting all the way until Oct 2016. Don't wanna cut it that close to the 20-year mark and honestly not sure if I have it in me to drag it out that long. Plus, I don't see WW waiting that long to file herself if I continue not giving her any support at all. Right now, I'm thinking my personal deadline is around March 2016 to file. That will be a year since the first BD. If I haven't seen any changes in my sitch by then, I don't think I will want to continue waiting.

Regarding the Petrol, yes I get what you mean. It was a moment of weakness on my part. I saw her hurting and wanted to help however I could. She asked for the money, but I should have said I couldn't afford it, or wasn't comfortable giving it to her. Lesson learned.

[Vanilla]

It may not change your feelings now but I think it could change the way you look at it and help you detach.

The brinkmanship point was that you could not that you should or want to. Just it's an option, apologies if it was unclear.

V

[dwh15]

WW just sends me a TM: "What's up?"

That's it, after her life was falling apart just 2 days ago and I helped her as much as I could. Pretty much lights out yesterday, and then that today. Like all is right with the world again.

So I'm sitting on it for at least an hour. When I reply, I'm redirecting straight to kids. Something like "The kids asked if they would be seeing you tonight." Time to get down to business.

[Vanilla]

Dwh, it's temp checking.

I would choose to delete it.

V

[mahhhty]

YES. DELETE.

Remember being a strong man, and being a person who wants to save his marriage means you need to be a strong man, choose a path that works for you, for your kids, and that gives you the best chance.

That means, sometimes you have to do what does not come natural. Work on figuring out how you can drop the rope.

Money, gas money, tire pressure are some examples on how you are enabling her, or cushioning her fall. She is a big girl, making large decisions. One thing children learn is how to deal with the consequences of their decisions. Its time she did that as well, and you let her.

[dwh15]

Thanks guys. The only reason I mentioned replying about kids is because it is Friday, a night she normally takes them, and I hadn't heard a peep and neither had any of the kids. So here's the full TM convo:

WW: What's up?
Me: (hour later) Hey. Kids were asking about tonight. Did you have plans?
WW: Talked to S18. He was coming over after working out.
WW: Possibly go to my friends house.
Me: So are they set for dinner?
WW: Yeah

That was the end of it. I specifically asked about dinner plans because a couple of weeks ago, after the big money blowout, she had said that she would not be making dinner for the kids at all and I needed to provide it before they came over. So I basically confirm or have the kids confirm ahead of time on the nights they see mom. Yes, it's totally ridiculous, but my attorney recommended to let it go and let her just keep digging that hole. So if I have to make dinner for my boys 7 nights/week, that's what I'll do. Fortunately, she seems to have calmed down since then and is back to providing meals, but as usual, it's mostly just S8 and S18 that goes to see her. Tonight, I'm with S10 and S15, the same way it goes down 95% of the time.

[mahhhty]

dwh...

why did you say this?

Me: (hour later) Hey. Kids were asking about tonight. Did you have plans?
Me: So are they set for dinner?

[dwh15]

dwh...

why did you say this?

Me: (hour later) Hey. Kids were asking about tonight. Did you have plans?
Me: So are they set for dinner?

I explained why in the post. We have an informal arrangement where she takes the kids every Mon, Wed, and Fri. Seeing as how it's a Fri and I had not heard a word, I wanted to confirm if she was planning to spend time with the kids or not. If not, I needed to make arrangements for dinner for all of us. Over the past few weeks, WW has been unreliable so even though we have this arrangement, it's never 100% safe for me to assume she will follow through. She has cancelled on more than one occasion, and often with little notice. I don't see any problem with asking about the kids on a night she normally takes them. Am I missing something? If so, please let me know. I'm wide open to taking advice.