The road less travelled....

[Bob723]

Jelly,

I hope you are continuing to feel better. I am going to dedicate a prayer for you after this short post of mine.

Thinking of you...

Bob

[JellyB]

Jb

If your tummy is a confidence downer have you thought about having remedial surgery?

I have had that on the collapsing Swiss cheese jaw.. Dental surgery for my confidence.

V

Lol you always tickle me with your use of language Lady V, it feels to me their is a quiet love affair there.

Yes I have been planning of plastic surgery to have the excess skin removed for the last 8 years. Every time I have been close to following through I have put it on the back burner, to support my then partner in his dream and aspirations. Meaning i put my savings into supporting them and not into this dream.

I have made a decision that the surgery will happen in the next 12-24 months. This is something that I really want, and I feel it will change the view of myself considerably.

Has your dentistry changed how you view of yourself?

Look forward to hearing from you Lady V.

PS:. I would love to get arms around you for the most awesomest of squeezy hugs. ((((((Lady V))))))))

[JellyB]

Thanks for the hug PP...I never turn one of those down, particularly from an awesome man as yourself. Fingers cross about your woofie!

Jellybxxx

[JellyB]

Lovely U,

Come to Auckland and I will show you some awesome rides and amazing scenery. And I am not sure if you are a coffee guy but I love to share a coffee with my cycling buddy. Not sure what kind of bike you ride, but mine is an Avanti Questa 2013 model, its black, white and neon pink. Its a woman's specific road bike made by a NZ cycling brand.

As for packing up and moving to NZ, well the possibilites here a quite good. Auckland is in the middle of a housing shortage and govt are looking to create more housing. Christchurch is also an option. And NZers love architecture and design.

Thanks for your kind words about my insecurities. In the past when I have dated I have put the weight issue out on the table right from the start and discussed it. I think I do that so I feel like I have control over it, attempt to give some indication that I have my head around it and that i have good self esteem in spite of it.

This time I have decided not to raise it at all, until something comes up. I want to see what happens. The man I have had a couple of coffee dates and one dinner with, appears to be a very sweet man of an introverted nature so I think I can pace myself, which is good. Historically I have moved things quickly physically to get past my anxieties, and I think too, just quietly (and with some shame) to test their willingness to stay. I have decided that I am just not going to make this a defining feature anymore.

Anyway I will stop rattling on. But thanks for being a friend U-turn.

JellyBXXX

[JellyB]

Hey Mr Z, Zuesy Boy. Don't think I have forgotten you and your posts on my thread and those on your own. I need a bit more time to digest a few of your comments. It's funny a couple of comments you made on my thread stung a bit and I am wondering why.

With regard to your comments on your own thread (or your book rather), your vulnerability is admirable, you are so brave and an example to others to dig deep. Im still figuring out what I want to say, because I was left with a feeling of sadness, Im not sure if its sadness for myself, as your words often speak so much to me or if it is something else, about a significant sense of empathy related to the - I want to say demons, but it is not my place to put that on you.

Give me sometime, my brain and heart need time to consider and filter.

As always my thoughts and heart travel with you on this journey

XXXXJellyB

[Zues126]

sorry to step on your toes JB, just glad you know where my heart is. I think it's impossible to talk about all of this stuff and not get stung sometimes. For me it's usually being misunderstood or misinterpreted that leads me to feel that way, particularly around a sensitive area.

As for me, demons was accurate during my M. Definitely. I think I've calmed them down by about 80-90%. How? Because I had to. The test will be if I can manage through a R.

I think I will be able to. I think that I've learned what doesn't work, and M is too important to me to fall short again. The same competitiveness that has driven me borderline insane and made me hard to live with...that has also driven me to put in the work on myself over the last year. I am determined to be a good H, and I think WAW made a mistake. It's like when I play pool...I win an awful lot of the time. Sometimes when people bet against me I just shake my head and think to myself 'boys, you're betting against the wrong person'. My STBX bet against the wrong person by writing me off as garbage.

Thanks for the reply, talk soon, and have a good day.

[Vanilla]

Jb

If your tummy is a confidence downer have you thought about having remedial surgery?

I have had that on the collapsing Swiss cheese jaw.. Dental surgery for my confidence.

V

Lol you always tickle me with your use of language Lady V, it feels to me their is a quiet love affair there.

Yes I have been planning of plastic surgery to have the excess skin removed for the last 8 years. Every time I have been close to following through I have put it on the back burner, to support my then partner in his dream and aspirations. Meaning i put my savings into supporting them and not into this dream.

I have made a decision that the surgery will happen in the next 12-24 months. This is something that I really want, and I feel it will change the view of myself considerably.

Has your dentistry changed how you view of yourself?

Look forward to hearing from you Lady V.

PS:. I would love to get arms around you for the most awesomest of squeezy hugs. ((((((Lady V))))))))

I would love that. I am going to be there to see the reveal. Jelly, the dental surgery didn't redeem, it restored and confirmed. Don't forget the vitamin E cream and Silcol gel.

Deferral is serving a purpose for you?

Time to go find the time. No deferral, after all those sitches hurt.......

V

[u-turn]

Hey Jelly - thanks for posting over on my story too.

I used to have a decent Trek road bike a long time ago, but had to sell it during the great sell-off (to pay for medical bills after S21 was born - like I said a long time ago). Currently I am riding a rigid frame mountain bike (old gary fisher frame) - kind of a mutt that I assembled over time with it's geometry tweeked enough to work with my odd geometry. It's heavy and sturdy and allows me to road ride ok and xc ride ok. I'm kind of a - I'm going there today - kind of rider. Been coming home pretty muddy the last couple days - I feel like such a juvenile sometimes, but riding has been one of my sanctuaries this summer (which ends for me this week). (S17 & I are building a high wheel bike for fun too (though he thinks it is kind of stupid, but likes to build/weld) - That project has stalled now that he's working more and school is starting)

I would love to see NZ - by pictures, it has always fascinated me. And coffee - yes - won't go without it - favorite most of the day beverage.

It's interesting to hear about your methods of revealing some of your insecurities. I think that I like that you can choose to protect these until it is the right time with the right person. I don't think that everyone needs to know everything - not to minimize it, but maybe equate it with - u-turn doesn't like beets, but the guy that doesn't like beets isn't who I am, so that is a conversation for another time - maybe later in the guess what you don't know about me stage. (but I don't really know a damn thing about dating anyway - so forget all that) .

Take care JB!!

[u-turn]

Kia Kaha.
Was going to add that the other day.

Hope you are doing well.

[JellyB]

Hey U, Kiaora ( Key-a-or-a- Greetings)

Yes feeling strong at the moment, but a little unsettled from the dream I had about ex last night. I haven't really been experiencing to many thoughts or feelings about him recently.

There is sadness, at the loss of the physicality of him and our life together, dreams for the futire, but not much more. The emotional pain and anxiety is gone. He has moved on to a new partner and I am here. What is to be done? Nothing!

Zues asked me before I had my surgery if I would ever have contact with him again. The desire is there, however the evidence of how he has managed our separation and from what I know of him, and our last contact means that he would likely be hostile and unkind. (to note that is not the man I fell in love with or would want to return to).

My ex has only stayed in positive contact with the mother of his daughter, because she is indeed the mother of his daughter. With his other exs he has completely exiled them from his life. So while I am more than capable of being friends with my exs, in this case he is not.

And quite frankly none of my friends would ever have treated me so unkindly or have had such little regard for me. So I guess the universe had made that decision for me.

I have wondered in recent times, if I was only in a "Imaginary relationship" (please see book "Mr Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl" - a good read for the female Co-dependent or The Too Nice girl aka emotional doormat - hard to read, it made me feel sick on first reading).

Where I was telling myself stories about how committment and how intimiate we actually were. I have talked alot in therapy about what true intimacy and true commitment are. In my opinion one without the other does seem to exist. True intimacy seems to follow from being truely authentic, the good the bad and the ugly and finding ways to accept that in each.

I know I am so fearful of being truely myself, but this DBing journey has allowed me to let go of the some of this fear. I feels good to step into my skin and see how it feels. It's not so bad, slightly tight and uncomfortable in some areas, but likely with a bit of time and some wear and tear, it will feel as if I was never without it.

Anyway a bit of ramble, sorry for the indulgent self anaylsis. Bit this was on top this morning


love to you all

JellyB