Six to Nine

[mahhhty]

1st: New England Newcomer
2nd: So I am divorced.
3rd: I hucked a waterfall.
4th: Just Fishin'

It's been over a week since my last post. I believe on some level I just don't feel like posting. The idea of jotting down meaningful thoughts to decipher how I feel and where I should be going has felt exhausting. But I did have my kids for 11 days as a solo parent so maybe that had something to do with it. We went camping and rafting for the first time, did a lot of puzzles, playing and had fun. I think a lot about what GB said about the 6-9 month PTSD-like window (6-9 months after D), and I definitely feel that. Time to step up and move on.

Towards the end, I felt bad for the kids as she did not reach out to call them Fri, Sat or Sun. I realize I shouldn't be mind reading or guessing, and I try not to, but I find it very disheartening for them. She did send me a text last night in regards to D4's health. I responded and kept it short. She did not respond.

I'm doing well on most levels. I met a congresswoman the other day in regards to a startup. I also met a very pretty lawyer intern, we had good conversation spread over about 3 hours. It is fun to meet new people. On the other side, I have to pick it up in regards to keeping up with the house, more importantly working out, and getting into a better routine when working from home without the kids. Also, money is tight and I've been feeling that crunch lately. To compound the money issue, vacation with the kids and family start Saturday.

It was disheartening to read about Matt tonight and how his STBX felt manipulated. I think if I didn't read that I wouldn't be writing now. I can see how the X/STBX would feel manipulated, b/c we (the hopeful) are devoting so much thought and effort to something that hinges around their life. HOWEVER, the end goal we are pursuing is mending a family, which I believe is a noble cause.

People who have followed me, know that I struggle with STFU. And often feel the urge to be heard via writing letters to X. I have written many. Most of which are burned now or logged in these threads. I've been really contemplating writing one, but honestly see no benefit. Approaching her on any level just seems futile (whether to discuss coparenting or give her a letter).

[teach3]

Camping and rafting sounds like so much fun, I bet your kids had a blast with you!

It is hard reading about Matt. I was shocked, but you are right...fighting for your family is a noble cause. The most noble I think.

I am always touched when I read posts by the men on this board who are trying their best to save their families.You are one of those men.

Mahhty, you have worked hard and it's evident how important your family is to you. Your a better person for all you have done.

[mahhhty]

Thanks teach. That is sweet of you to say. I'm sure I haven't said or done all the right things at all the right times but I have tried the best I can.

[dwh15]

Hey mahhhty, just wanted to drop in real quick and say Hi. I read your entire thread over last couple of days, and find your personal progress inspiring. I'm working on GAL myself but afraid I haven't been quite as successful as I would like. I'm sorry to hear that things between you and XW haven't improved at all over past few months, but you seem to be doing so well for yourself and your kids. Keep at it brother - you are an inspiration to those of us earlier in the journey.

[mahhhty]

dwh... thank you. I am flattered that anyone would like to read my ramblings. It is a roller coaster, and one thing I have learned is that no matter how much I do or don't do I always expect myself to do more... perhaps slightly type A personality there. I don't beat myself up as much anymore. I'm trying to learn to go with the flow.

Thanks again.

[mahhhty]

Vacation starts today. 1 week in a mountain retreat with the entire family... Well my parents, my sister and her family, and the munchkins and I. I'm picking the kids up from her place this am. It'll be the first time I see her this month. I'll do my best. I'm excited to see the kids.

[teach3]

Have a great vacation! The mountains sound wonderful. It was 101 here yesterday!

[mahhhty]

Thanks teach. It's humid but we had a pretty awesome first day.

The mountains are calling and I must go. J. Muir

[mahhhty]

Vacation has been a blast as vacations normally are (except for a bout with food poisoning). I'm lucky and grateful for having this opportunity to get away and to step out of the normal routine.

In stepping out, pushing yourself, or getting out of your comfort zone, I believe you have the opportunity to find yourself. I'm looking at things much clearer than the fog or funk that had been around me.

What I have learned is that my life is still fun, still has meaning, importance and vibrance. I am still a father, uncle, son, brother, friend. I am still one part the guy I was, 1 part the guy I am, and 1 part the guy I want to be. I have a long way to get what I want, to be the person I want to be. But I know I can be.

2 more days. Home Saturday night.

[PigPen]

What I have learned is that my life is still fun, still has meaning, importance and vibrance. I am still a father, uncle, son, brother, friend. I am still one part the guy I was, 1 part the guy I am, and 1 part the guy I want to be. I have a long way to get what I want, to be the person I want to be. But I know I can be.

Love this Mahhhty, I think this is the place all of us get to at some point and it's a turning point in the whole process. You're getting back to whole, all the while knowing that this experience, and how you've used it, is making you into a far better man than you were before.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and staying grateful. You're well on your way to being the man you want to be and know you will be.

Cheers,
PP