Yep. Very. But you're 5 months in, post-bomb-drop. The "toughness" of it at this stage should be more in the execution of your plan, than in the adopting of the right mindset. THAT should have been set months ago (not to say you won't have bad DAYS keeping the right mindset -- you surely will -- but I don't even sense you're accepted yet where you are, and adopted the proper mindset for DBing.)
Are you familiar with "The Stockdale Paradox?"
Starsky
I don't mean to take over Sad in WI thread... But I think it is so difficult because we were working on the marriage for about 3.5 months & things were going along really pretty well. We were closer than we'd been in years and years. Only after I damaged his trust & hurt his feelings did he stop working on us. So really it has only been 5 weeks of trying to figure out how to divorce bust. But I do admit I do not have a concert plan.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Your right with the ups and downs with the spouse. I am trying to stay in the middle and be level. It is hard though I had a very weird day and the W and were talking and relaxing, she asked about ML and I turned her down due to my stance. She then blew up saying that nothing is going on and she hates me etc. etc.
The next day she is asking what I want to do this weekend and our future plans with the house/vacation. Truly confusing and a hell of a ride.
What criteria have you set up as far as intimacy goes? Just curious as I have no idea what guidelines to set up other than him working on the marriage, wearing his ring, & having transparency w/ his devices.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
My criteria was my unwillingness to be sloppy seconds for anyone. I will not ML with my W until I am certain that the EA with the OM is over.
I will accept a hug from her, but I do not initiate it.
When she asks why I am not ML with her I reiterate the above and she usually gets mad. However, that is one boundary I am unwilling to move on.
I think this is a good boundary. Last night my H brought up my refusal... he was hurt by it & took it as me not wanting to work on the marriage. it was like he saw it as him reaching out to me to try and work on the relationship. I explained that I wasn't rejecting him, I would very much like to ML w/ him & that he is all I want. But while knowing he is in contact w/ the OW, I have to set that boundary. Why did I leave that conversation feeling bad?! I guess b/c I do not want to reject him as he does suffer from low self-esteem... but at the same time, it is not ok what he is doing. He said that he is not one to sleep w/ someone who he does not have strong feelings for & has never been that way. I guess this was supposed to reassure me that he has strong feelings for me?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
My criteria was my unwillingness to be sloppy seconds for anyone. I will not ML with my W until I am certain that the EA with the OM is over.
I will accept a hug from her, but I do not initiate it.
When she asks why I am not ML with her I reiterate the above and she usually gets mad. However, that is one boundary I am unwilling to move on.
I think this is a good boundary. Last night my H brought up my refusal... he was hurt by it & took it as me not wanting to work on the marriage. it was like he saw it as him reaching out to me to try and work on the relationship. I explained that I wasn't rejecting him, I would very much like to ML w/ him & that he is all I want. But while knowing he is in contact w/ the OW, I have to set that boundary. Why did I leave that conversation feeling bad?! I guess b/c I do not want to reject him as he does suffer from low self-esteem... but at the same time, it is not ok what he is doing. He said that he is not one to sleep w/ someone who he does not have strong feelings for & has never been that way. I guess this was supposed to reassure me that he has strong feelings for me?
Sometimes our wayward spouses' WORDS are very reassuring. It's at times like those when you have to try to step back and look at their ACTIONS -- are they also meant to reassure? To add comfort and security and transparency?
My criteria was my unwillingness to be sloppy seconds for anyone. I will not ML with my W until I am certain that the EA with the OM is over.
I will accept a hug from her, but I do not initiate it.
When she asks why I am not ML with her I reiterate the above and she usually gets mad. However, that is one boundary I am unwilling to move on.
I think this is a good boundary. Last night my H brought up my refusal... he was hurt by it & took it as me not wanting to work on the marriage. it was like he saw it as him reaching out to me to try and work on the relationship. I explained that I wasn't rejecting him, I would very much like to ML w/ him & that he is all I want. But while knowing he is in contact w/ the OW, I have to set that boundary. Why did I leave that conversation feeling bad?! I guess b/c I do not want to reject him as he does suffer from low self-esteem... but at the same time, it is not ok what he is doing. He said that he is not one to sleep w/ someone who he does not have strong feelings for & has never been that way. I guess this was supposed to reassure me that he has strong feelings for me?
Sometimes our wayward spouses' WORDS are very reassuring. It's at times like those when you have to try to step back and look at their ACTIONS -- are they also meant to reassure? To add comfort and security and transparency?
Yes, you are right. I really need to get back to focusing on actions. So I wonder if an ok response to their words would be- you are saying these things but I really have to go by what you are showing me with your actions.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
