seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[Vanilla]

You ok Help?

V

[help67]

HI V,

Been reading a lot about emotional abuse, hurts so much to know the pain I caused my w. She said she thought I was trying to charm her these last 3 months, and she was right as far as me trying to show her I changed, but a lot of what I wanted to do was just be kind, compassionate toward her.

My w sent an email to me about someone trying to adopt out there cat. She said I know you have been wanting a cat for awhile, we never had one because my w is allergic to them. It hurts to read stuff like that, which says I am not coming back. Maybe one of the many tests I will face. At least the cat was 16 yrs old, so wouldn't live much longer, not like w would be coming back any time to soon anyway.

The other day when we talked, my w told me how she was standing up for herself more, she didn't do that in our m nearly enough. It's good that we are both doing the things we needed to.

[Vanilla]

Just keep being you Help, charm is a lovely attribute as long as it is genuine.

Remember much of what WAW says is testing you and temp checking, just so with the cat.

If you want a cat get one, personally I'd love to internet proxy a meow type feline. It sounds like WAW is growing and changing as are you.

Could be good news too, as realistically would you want your old M back?

Don't you want a brand new start with WAW in a new version of your M?

Treading your own path and growing into a man only a fool would leave seems terrific idea to me.

At this point Help sounds to me like you are doing great.

V

[help67]

Hi V,

Hope everything is good with you.

The charm thing is good, I was generally kind, interested, and loving towards my w these last 3 months because that is who I really am , but I think the expectation of r is what came across to my w , and she thinks I did it to win her over. I realize that and so am going to keep that in mind, but I will still be loving toward her.

Lots of testing & temp checking, she wants to see that I have moved on otherwise if she did come back it would be the same old behavior. She is changing, and in a good way.

I read about it taking a month for every year you were together, and I see why. We were together 27 yrs, married 17, and it took me 9 months just to start to feel comfortable. Things are starting to make more sense to me, I am starting to feel happy with who I am, to be less afraid to be me.

[help67]

Hi V,

Hope your enjoying the weekend.

Yesterday my w had a bad headache due to allergies, she left work early to rest, I did her a favor and dropped d at her place after a dentist apppt. Anyway, I wanted to ask you what you thought of me emailing her asking how she is feeling today, she is taking d to an outdoor music festival and it is hot, humid, and this is not weather my w does well in.
Is this pursuing, or anything else, I generally want to know how she is because I care, but after she said it felt like I was trying to charm her, i dont know if I should.
i read some info about controlling behavior, it was alll about me. Its good to be able to see my issues, and work to change. The control issue seems to affect everything about me, letting go seems cosmic to me, but i guess it will all click soon enough.

[help67]

So I know I failed miserably at temp check, testing for awhile, but I understand it now, and am not bothered by it, I guess that's part of detaching. What I don't understand is why does the was do the temp. check and testing to begin with, do they even know they are doing it.
If someone is truly done with the r, then why would they do the temp checks, testing then.

[dwh15]

I'm confused by the temp check as well, Help. My best guess would be that your W is not necessarily completely over you, whether she realizes it or not. I was getting those for a while from my own WW, but came to realize that in my own sitch, she was using me for financial reasons, and emotional support. She really did want to be best friends, with no interest in a romantic R with me. That was 2 weeks ago, and since then, I have cut off all support and most contact. She seems fine with it, and hasn't really bothered to try and re-establish any sort of communication, but again, it's only been 2 weeks.

Like others have said, it's impossible to mind read, so don't spend too much time worrying about it. Keep doing what's best for you, and don't fall into any traps. Keep oozing that self confidence and your W will notice. It's not over until it's over so if D isn't final or papers haven't even been filed yet, I would say you've got a shot. Hang in there. I'm right there with ya man, just a few months behind.

[Vanilla]

Help

Apologies for not responding sooner. I had my Pollyanna phase going on.

Yes, I think it's perusing, although next time you have admin you can mention it.

Others temp check generally because they like to keep their options option and you represent a resource. I long ago gave up worrying or even pondering why others do what they do. it makes sense to them.

Help, if charm is part of the package you offer to your partners then it's authentic for you, your W has thoughts of her own.

Can we explore the control issue? What were you reading and why did it resonate?

What does control mean to you?

V

[help67]

Hi V,

My control issues come from childhood issues I never really worked on and resolved until now. My family was dysfunctional, my father physically abused me, lots of verbal abuse in entire family. No real communication, lots of fear. I also have abondonment issues, and so in order not to lose my w, I controlled everything and of course this is why I eventually lost her. I have very low self esteem, and never felt worthy of my w love.

I am not this person, but I was to fearful to look inside, and instead buried everything and made myself numb. So now I have dug deep in IC, and am learning to like who I am, the real me. I am kind, caring, empathic, funny, generous, and still learning. I am also working on forgiving, myself included.
My w is similar in her upbringing, but she became the caretaker, and she wasnt good at setting personal boundaries, and so I broke many. She buried a lot to, but somehow stayed away from being resentful. I hope we get to have these deep connections and conversations one day, I know there is still love between us.

I almost wish she would get mad at me, but maybe she isnt because I have changed my behavior. In the last two days she emailed my about our dauhter, but also wished me a good day at work, and to be safe because there was a bad storm coming.
I dont know if her being nice is crumbs to keep me hanging on or something else, I am trying not to mind read though.

[ralphy]

Help,

it's amazing how we hang on those little "crumbs" isn't it? I posted today about what a difference the little greetings and niceties are in texts, etc.

I think what I determined today is that I tend to forget that W is also going through emotional ups and downs, and some days, she may feel like being nice, and other days not.

She may or may not be thinking about it the same way we are, and the fact that I am hurt when she doesn't do it, and I feel better by something as simple as a good morning or a thank you or a hello shows that I'm not truly emotionally detached yet.