Lost & confused

[Sotto]

Hi Tweets, it sounds as though he is partly there, but only partly. Have you read Starsky's post about the four levels of remorse? it is worth having a look as it may help you see where your H is at. The levels go something like this:

1. I'm sorry I got found out
2. I'm sorry I've caused problems for myself
3. I'm sorry I've hurt you
4. I'm sorry for what I have done. It was wrong on so many levels - true remorse

I think WAS's need to really get to the upper levels before they are at a point that they can truly work on the M. Has MC started yet??

[Clairee]

No it hasn't yet. The MC we chose is off island. Our 1st appointment is July 22. I was able to talk to him this morning to schedule the appointment & some brief details. He is encouraged because H is the one who originally left the message to get an appointment. He said if he didn't want to work things out, he wouldn't have agreed to counseling & certainly wouldn't have taken the steps to make it happen. He said I should take that as a positive sign.

[Clairee]

The weekend was pretty good. D12 had a hula performance Saturday. The whole family went to support her, even her older brother who normally would insist on staying home. Saturday evening H & I went for a drive. He wanted to drive to the area we have talked about buying a house so we could really get a feel for the area, figure out the commute & see the neighborhood the house will be built in, On the way back, we stopped at the beach to watch the sunset. H's idea. I sat down on the beach, just close enough for the water to reach my toes. H sat behind me & pulled me back against him with his arms around me. It was really nice & felt like old times. Sunday we did yard work. In the past, he would have done it alone. This time I helped without him asking. It's been my job for the last 9 months so it didn't seem weird to me but H commented several times how much he appreciated & was surprised I was out there with him. The rest of the evening was pretty quiet.

Today H left for a couple of days for work. He's shadowing an inspection team at sea. He got up early so we could spend some quiet time before he left. We were having coffee on the lanai & he told me he felt everything was good between us & if we could just focus on the now & future we would be better than ever. I helped him pack & fixed breakfast. Right before he left, he gave me a long hug & told me he was really going to miss me. About an hour after he left, he texted to say ILY & miss you already.

Not going to question his moods/actions, living in the moment & enjoying the interactions.

[Clairee]

I was doing some reading last night & came across an article about male depression. Could this really be what I'm dealing with? H is military. In Oct 2012, he had a stroke or they think he had a stroke at least, no solid evidence of it but they couldn't find anything else it could be. Because of this, he couldn't continue his job & was put on medical light duty. Until Nov 2014, he has had no real job or purpose at work. During this time, he spent a lot of time diving & working part time for a dive shop. It seemed to help keep his spirits up & he was enjoying it. In Oct 2014, they finally gave him new orders for schools & a new job. He left Nov for California.

H hooked up with old friends of ours & was doing ok. I visited right after Thanksgiving & while not a perfect visit, it was good. We were arguing over this girl he was texting. Nothing intimate or wrong in their conversations, but the quantity bothered me. H wanted me to meet her so I could get to know her & know it was just somebody to talk to to fill the empty hours. I did. She was cold as ice to me. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't speak if I was around, etc. After H apologized for being so wrong about her intentions. He ended it without any hesitation. H graduated the 1st school & immediately started the next. This one was hard for him. He was struggling with the class work & becoming more & more angry, withdrawn & distant. I encouraged him to hang out with our friends in LA more on the weekends to relax & recharge. H was still really in a funk. He said many times he hated being there, missed me so much it physically hurt & if there was a way he could get out of this & not lose his retirement he'd do it in a heartbeat. He talked about being alone & lonely, talked about he couldn't sleep at night in this cramped little bed without me. That me needed me & didn't work without me. I tried to be as encouraging, supportive & uplifting as possible over phone calls.

Then February, you know what happened. After the reveal, H showed real remorse & said over & over he couldn't live without me. His reasons were loneliness & missing physical contact with me. Then he added all the negative about our M & me. We start to work through it. H is in IC. I'm in IC. We're trying. I visit in May. Things are rough at first. This was the 1st time we've seen each other since BD. We talk, things are settled & moving forward. A week later he starts getting messages from OW2. IMO, she's a predator. She saw us together & even commented how happy we looked & how lucky I was. She's miserable in her relationship & her BF cheats constantly. Next thing I know, this has gone from kinda friendly to ily's. H comes home just 4 weeks later. H says he didn't believe I would change, he still wasn't home & he was just having some fun. H has a new male friend who is in the middle of a divorce & is partying, loving being 'free' & all that. Tells H divorce ain't bad, it's freeing & he's never been happier. Cue H saying he would be ok if we divorced & he'd find happiness with someone else if it happened but he's not afraid of divorce anymore.

Now he's home. There's no contact with OW2 or divorcing friend. He's much more relaxed, sleeping every night, eating right & doing things he enjoys. H starts a temp job. He's really enjoying it. He likes the people & is excited about what he's going to be doing.

Over this last weekend, H hooks up with an old friend he hadn't talked to in a long time. I talk to him, but H hasn't. Friend is going through divorce. Friend is miserable. He hates everything abou divorce, even though he's the one who filed. Tells H it's hard, it hurts & he feels he failed. He's doing whatever he can to keep busy & not think about it but when they have to meet for mediation, he hurts & is lonely.

Now H is being very affectionate, present & loving with me. H talks about our future together daily. H talks about the kids going off to college & it just being us & how he looks forward to growing old with me. H is back to saying he needs me, wants me & doesn't work without me. H leaves yesterday for a couple of days at sea for work. H says he's going to miss me & loves me. Later that day, H texts he misses me already, loves me, can't wait to get home. He's out of contact due to where they are until tomorrow.

So was it depression that led to all this? Add new divorcing friend & predatory OW? Should I talk to H about this? Should I bring it up in MC? Advice, thoughts?

[Clairee]

I guess I should've added that the article I read talked about men with clinical depression ignore the symptoms & tend to selfmedicate. Alcohol, drugs, risky behavior, affairs, etc. As a way to escape the pain they feel. Since about January, H has been drinking more. A lot more. Before leaving for Cali, he would have a few beers. Since January, he's gotten knock down drunk more times than I can count & drinking everyday. He started being more reckless on the motorcycle. Taking bigger risks while riding. When he couldn't ride or couldn't go out with friends, he slept. He slept a lot during the day but had trouble sleeping at night. Everyday for weeks he was napping all day long. He got to playing video games all night. He hasn't done that since our 1st kid was born. Basically if he was standing still too long, he would sleep or drink. As I sit & analyze the last several months, I'm beginning to think he may be suffering from severe depression. And everything he has done was a way to avoid & escape his feelings. But he had guilt, so that's when I became the bad guy, the one to blame for how he felt.

My H is stubborn as a mule. He might admit & accept having depression but he'll cut his arm off with a butter knife before taking medication for it.

What should I do? I think the MC we will be seeing could help him if he were to talk about it honestly. But I'm afraid bringing it up could cause us to fight or him to start pulling back again.

[Cristy]

Oh Tweets,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Good questions regarding depression & should you speak with H about it.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Clairee]

So yesterday afternoon I decided to go ahead & broach the subject about his depression. H listened quietly as I talked about what I had read & how I can see the patterns in how he has been the last 8-9 months. I wasn't sure how he would receive or respond. Much to my relief, he was receptive. He admitted feeling all the things I had described & that I was probably right about it being worse than he allowed himself to feel. He acknowledged & even agreed that he had been self-medicating with anything external to avoid the internal pains he felt. He is worried about talking with our MC about it, fear of it getting back to the military & it putting his job at risk. He asked if I could research more into non-medical treatments or exercises/tools he could use to stem off the feelings if they started happening again. He also asked if I would help him stay more in tune with those feelings. That he never recognized it as happening & maybe I could see it before it became a big problem & help guide him away from the negative behaviors that led to poor judgement & bad choices.

Was kinda knocked off my feet last night by H. While H was gone, I sent him an email letting him know what I want to change in our marriage. A new contract so to speak. One thing I said was spending 30 minutes every day focusing on just us. No phones, kids, etc. Last night after dinner, I suggested we drive to the beach & just sit/talk/relax. We were strolling along, talking about work, changes with it, etc. We sat down at a beach by the water & H started talking about how everything happens for a reason. Then he said he was so sorry for having done anything that hurt me, that he had been thoughtless & insensitve. That he was wrong & regretted doing it. He then backed up & said 'I'm talking about all my infidelities'. This was a huge turn around from just last week when he said he was sorry he hurt me, but didn't regret this OW2 & what happened. I thanked him & told him how much I appreciated him saying that.

I have my IC in a little while, so I'll be talking with her about this. Feeling good today & finally feeling like maybe we will come through all this darkness.

[Clairee]

Good morning my DB friends! Quiet so far, enjoying the breeze & coffee on my lanai. H & I had a good evening. We went for shave ice after dinner, a new place I had tried while he was gone that I wanted to take him to. So we're sitting at the table & H says he wants us to get new family pictures taken. Could have knocked me over with a feather! He hasn't mentioned doing that in several years. We talked about what kind of pictures & the groupings. He said he'd like one of just us & one of just me so he could have me with him wherever he went! I told him I thought those were all great ideas & I would like to have pictures of us. I was doing a happy dance, in my head of course. I remained calm, showing enthusiasm but without looking like the crazy cat lady on catnip.

H decided to take the day off so we could have some alone time today. We have an appointment this afternoon for couples massages. A few days ago, I had an email for an local deal on couples massages. I left it open on my laptop & H saw it & said I should buy that for us. So I did. I'm looking forward to it, I could really use the tension relief.

Other than that, laundry as always & floors to sweep. Tomorrow I have lunch with my hanai sister & touring a chocolate factory. D12 has a make new friends brunch all morning & H plans to take D13 & S17 snorkeling. Sunday we have a motorcycle ride for charity we're going to & a party after.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

[Clairee]

Went for the massage yesterday. OMG did she beat me up, in a good way but man am I sore! She was a tiny Korean lady & so soft spoken, so when she barely whispered 'oh you really tight here' it didn't quite compute until I felt what I think was her elbow grinding into my shoulder...lol

Aside from the sadistic massage woman, it's been a good couple of days. H & I spent all morning clearing out the garage, then taking a truck load of boxes to recycle & another truck load to the refuse center. The garage still needs serious organizing but I can see almost all of the floor, so I'm very happy!

Quiet night. Enjoying some coffee & quiet time while H goofs off on a video game & D12 & D13 are at sleepovers.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[Bob723]

Hello Tweets,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. It was SO nice to hear from you...very encouraging to me.

I have done my best to catch up on your situation. I truly feel for you, Tweets, but you seem to be hanging in there. It's great that you went for a massage. It really can help reduce stress...and sometimes hurt a little...but it is worth it.

I hope you had a good day today and I wish you well.

I'll dedicate a prayer to you as soon as I complete this post.

*Hugs*

Bob