10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us?

[Train]

I like Starsky's pitched reply. A lot.

I'm as hard-lined as the next guy so I may be missing something here, based on my reading of some of the other responses.

Maybe I'm a bleeding heart or an eternal optimist. Maybe I'm just "a girl." But if there's a chance that a M will be reconciled - especially if there's been little-to-no physical contact for months, as in HP's case, and HP is detached (as he obviously is) - I don't see a thing wrong with cracking the door open as long as it's a response and not initiated. Just a crack.

I think there's good cause to be cynical, of course. But to just not respond to an email like that - or to be pis$y in a response - seems, well, frankly, cruel and vindictive. And careless.

Maybe it's because I'm not reading too deeply into her letter to discover hidden meanings and agendas? Because it seems to me, as I think it was Toots who said, she pretty much laid her heart out there. Okay so a half-cocked heart. She clearly isn't making a commitment. But she has to start *somewhere*. Why not be humane and respond?

Again, I really REALLY like what Starsky pitched.

[CaliGuy]

I agree ... and that follow up 4 hours later looks like a Pursuit tactic we all would be water-boarded for.

I might crack the door open but with a very stern voice ... at least to get it to the discussion table, its not like in one email you will 'be happily ever after' ... I would at the least be open to talking, restating your terms and conditions and if she can not live with that ... its all on her.

[Vanilla]

Lovely to have you back HP.

I can't help with this one except to say this email of WW does not surprise me, not one little bit.

HP a man and father only a fool would leave.

V

[gogofo]

HP

I had a similar conversation with my XW last night. She had been trying to get me to talk with her and tried to open conversation with me a couple of times. I finally agreed to talk with her.

I left her to show me action if she wants to fix what has happened between us. I am not going to stall out and wait around hoping or wishing. She needs to start with action, which I told her.

I did press her and ask if she wanted "me". She skirted the issue and said she wanted to be happy, optimistic, etc. I pressed again and she said she wanted "me". I need to see action to back up the words. Until then I am staying dark.

Hope your life continues well for you, you seem to have a good plan going to you in the next 6 months.

[HeavyD]

Wow! HP - just wow!!!

[SunnyB]

HP, thrilled to have you back on the boards. You are in good hands here, just wanted to say hi.

sunny ( rppfl)

[HPoirot]

Hello Toots, Cadet, Starsky, TenBook, PigPen, Train, CaliGuy, Vanilla, gogofo, rppfl, and the Overweight Lover HeavyD. It's really wonderful to hear from all of you on this new thing with XW today.

I've been doing very well being pitch black NC with the XW. She has said I'm punishing her... but I do it for me. So that I can get my mind back and move forward in a big way. To detach. To be the big planet moving in his own direction... she the little planet orbiting me.

There is really nothing I need from her. I ask her for nothing and expect nothing from her. It is opposite for her.

I think I am detaching well but I am not yet detached. She can still affect me like she seems to want to but she has to do something big... like send me a text intended for her OM calling him sweetheart then texting it was a mistake and then continuing to text me in a friendly tone about S12 like it didn't happen.

Then she expresses "frustration" that I don't respond to anything and tries to guilt me about it.

That is her word with me... "frustration." I have not done anything she has hoped or expected me to do apparently. Not like other couples she knows where the man bent over backwards to appease and keep the WAW close. Not me.

So then today... yes Cadet I want a woman who answers "What's changed? I realized I've done a terrible thing to you and S12. I've stopped seeing OM and want to see if there is a chance for us. Can we talk?" That is the right and only and obvious answer you give to an XH who left you and does not answer your calls after your A.

To send the answer she sent was kind of unbelievable. I know from my reading that her answer is common cake eating. But to try it now after everything that has happened... to think that I would say "sure let's talk" when you say you've been seeing OM "very regularly" and you were wrong to do that but still apparently have not stopped? Does she want me to compete to get her back like in the movies? She wants me to make her stop seeing OM and is frustrated I won't play along? Wow.

I should not have to reiterate my position. She said in her reply "What should have happened was that we spent more time talking, and me less time seeing him." Yes! That is what I told you then (just no time with him ever again)! That's why I left you and took S12! Wow.

But that's how it is with WAS and I know that now. So I'm not surprised... and I was going to ignore it b/c silliness.

But, like you said here, it's a chance to open a crack while still staying firm. That's what I wanted. Thank you for expressing it better than I could.

So, when she has done work with the IC, when she accepts and acts on what she already knows... I'm not having anything to do with her while she's involved with OM... then I am willing to talk.

(Note on the IC... it is the same excellent woman I started seeing during the worst of this. She knows my side of this. I stopped going and gave permission for XW to see her. She is a tough "harsh reality" lady and I'm not surprised XW was shaken by their meeting. If I do ever speak with XW, it will be with IC present.)

Her answer is also her pattern... if I push back on what she wants to do (e.g. asking "what's changed?"), she sends back a long explanation type answer that doesn't answer my question at all. Then, later, she'll walk back some of what she said or offer a compromise that she doesn't expect me to take. She does it every time.

So no, she's not really ready to do the hard work of R. She wants me to play along again... holding out a bone she doesn't seem to realize can be hurtful to me. I'm not jumping.

But I did jump a little didn't I?... I asked myself "why is she doing this?" Would she really offer talking about seeing if there's a chance for us just so she can feel in control of the situation? Wow.

Even so, Train, I agree with you that this is an opportunity to "start somewhere." It can't hurt to try as I am already out the door.

One thing I have been working on should "starting somewhere" ever happen with XW (or some other lucky lady) is being present. Fully listening. So, I have found that validating what XW says works in that it creates connection and that is what she really wants. It's what I want too.

So, instead of reiterating my boundary which she knows or ignoring her again... Maybe I'm going to show her curiosity.

Maybe I'll reply... "XW. You seem upset. Are you OK? "

I can always reiterate my R talk boundary as Starsky suggests later.

I remember when I used to spend everyday like this... calculating every response. Day after day. Not healthy.

Anyway... we'll see what happens.

Onwards.

[TenBook]

Great to have you back HP.

Well spotted on your XW's behavior.

Keep us informed.

[HPoirot]

Hello again. Just to hopefully close today off XW replies...

Hi HP, I am OK. Thank you for asking.
Sorry to have bothered you.

Again with the bothering me.

Thing is... it would be nice to talk with her. I would like to tell her that it was no bother and yes I would like to speak with her about being a family again. I want to be a family if it can work and be wonderful.

Still, I know better to jump at things like her email or to let her affect me even this much. I know that her last temper tantrum email and the "sorry to have bothered you" is designed to make me feel like reaching out to her. To feel sorry for her.

So, if you're new at this... listen to vets... decrease contact with WAS... NO R TALKS... move forward bravely. It gets better.

A few months ago, a day like today would have been devastating. Now it is a groan... some pacing... and finally a shrug.

I have made bad mistakes and had my XW cursing screaming at me. I still get to the day where the XW reconsiders a little and says so. Maybe it gets better.

Even if it doesn't... I keep going.

Onward.

[HPoirot]

I have decided I will reiterate my boundary to XW in the morning just to let her know the crack is there. Something like...

XW. I appreciate your being open with me yesterday. I thought about what you said and, if we did talk, I wouldn't expect you to guarantee anything to me for quite some time (and it would be difficult for me to guarantee anything as well). But, the actions I would need to see before we talk have not changed. If you're ready to commit to those actions, then I am willing to talk with you about us. Just let me know.

Is that good? Reading it I'm not sure. I'll sleep on it.

Good night.