CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? #2588331
07/15/15 07:28 PM
07/15/15 07:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
Member
HPoirot  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
My Journey So Far.

Hello again. I hope you have all been well considering sitch.

I've been away for 5 months (I'll get into how bad a mistake that was in another post) and it has been mostly good. While I did not do GAL as I promised, I feel much happier everyday. I'm no longer taking anti-depressants nor sleeping pills. I have a tiny bit of social life around the gym I go to everyday. I'm moving to Florida in December and, baring any surprises, my S12 will move with me to Florida next summer. S12 is doing very well too.

As far as XW, I went completely NC with her. I may have over done that to the point of ignoring her...

I saw her in person 2 times during those months. Not friends... just barely friendly. She has sent texts and left phone messages about various things almost every day, including apologies and "I wish things could be different" type speeches. On the rare times I responded, I only responded by text and only briefly and only about S12. She has continued to complain about my not engaging her and still asks to talk about school tuition/schedule/etc.

I did start the divorce process but then stopped without filing to pay school tuition. I did not tell her I was filing. Then XW did file. I have not acknowledged receiving the papers.

A few weeks ago, she sent a text to me that was intended for her OM about spending the night at his place. I did not mention it but, after a few hours, I texted her that I would not be available to her via phone or text for the time being and that she should email me when needed. I then blocked her from my mobile phone.

Then came today and this email from her sent at 1AM...


Hi HP,

If you are willing, I would like to talk about us, our marriage and how we can become a family again.

Are you willing to see if we have a chance again?



7 hours later I test with... What has changed XW?

She replies an hour later...

Hi HP,

I had a very intense session with IC yesterday and I realized that I haven't fully thought through our relationship and that I have a great deal of sadness and anger about us, our marriage, and the impact of our marriage and separation on our S12. I have filed for divorce, and it struck me as the most insane thing to do given that we have not fully talked about us, and that this is a decision that will have a tremendous impact on our lives.

I have also been feeling an incredible amount of depression and sadness about the way we ended, and the impact of this on S12.
I want to make sure that you and I truly do not have - or maybe we have - any foundation to stand on. I don't know. I am not sure. Our separation has been difficult and a bit different that that for most couples, given that we haven't talked about us or engaged in any real significant manner since you left in Dec. To complicate things even more, I began seeing OM on a very regular basis after you left and have developed a relationship with him. What should have happened was that we spent more time talking, and me less time seeing him. But that is not what happened. I did not handle any of it the right way. Instead, anger ruled both of us, and now we are in this place.

What I do know is that we owe it S12 and to ourselves to spend some time together to see if we have anything more to give to our marriage. If we determine that we don't, I will respect that and move on, as I am sure you will also.

HP, I know you don't believe me, but I have thought of you each and every day and I have grieved tremendously over the pain I have caused both you and our son. I am not sure what the future holds, but I believe in my heart that we must talk once more and make sure that this is the right thing for us.

I will understand if you are not interested to talk to me. Whatever happens moving forward, I pray with my entire soul that one day you and I will have a friendship based on our bond with S12.....he is going to give us beautiful grandchildren one of these days and I want to share his life and his future in such a way where you and I can be comfortable and loving with one another.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


Then, 4 hours later she sends...

I'm really sorry I even sent you this email. it was wrong and probably not the best thing to do given your silence. I guess I was simply having a moment of sadness after my session yesterday and really shouldn't have dumped anything on you. I have no right to think that you would ever want to remotely talk about us and since I'm certainly in no position to offer you any guarantees ... why would you want to.? I won't reach out to you and bother you about any of this again. take care of yourself.


I was going to parse all this with plenty mind reading in a long email like I used to. I recognize her testing my boundaries and keeping me in her drama. It's like the time she pushed marriage counseling while not being willing to give up her A.

But then I remembered I have goals...

  • I'm moving to Florida by December.
  • I'm building a home there for S12 to move to next summer.
  • I'm improving myself, my finances, my health, and my happiness everyday.


Everything I do must move me in that direction.

While I do not need to, I'm still open to working on our M, but it has to be real and right and in line with my goals. So my thinking the only email answer to the above is something like...

XW. If you end your relationship and all contact with OM, I think you will find me willing to talk about and work on any and all issues -- including my own role in the prior problems we had in our M. But that ball is squarely in your court.

Except she already knows that. I made that clear in December. And I prefer to not mention OM.

So maybe I'm back to repeating the action that got me here... doing nothing.

What do you think? Is there a loving way to answer saying I would talk about R under the right conditions and before I leave for Florida without being controlling or compromising my goals? Can I make the road home smoother today?

Thank you again for all the help you give me on the board. It does feel nice to be back considering.

Last edited by HPoirot; 07/15/15 07:31 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2588349
07/15/15 08:23 PM
07/15/15 08:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline
Member
Sotto  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Oh golly! I think you need a vet HP.....

I agree, it probably isn't best to go straight back in with the OM thing. She has laid herself pretty bare in that email to you.

Might it be best to suggest meeting up for coffee or having a phone chat and hear more about where she is at with things? Of course the killer question for you is always going to be 'what's happening with OM?' And you would need to ask that at some point of course.

You could always send her a holding email along the lines of - W, thanks for your email. I appreciate your honesty and truly I need to think about all you have said before I come back to you. I'll reply as soon as I can. Take care, HP


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2588359
07/15/15 08:52 PM
07/15/15 08:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,115
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,115
NY
Originally Posted By: Mrs. HPoirot
I'm certainly in no position to offer you any guarantees ... why would you want to.?

Sounds to me like she is continuing to be the VICTIM and YES she is testing your changes to see if they are real.

Maybe she senses that she is losing her grip on you.

Would you want her back in this broken state?
That is the real question, IMHO.

Maybe all is not wonderful in paradise - and you are the first candidate for being OM #2.

What do YOU want?


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Cadet] #2588368
07/15/15 09:11 PM
07/15/15 09:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
IF you even want her back in her current state (and I agree with Cadet, she still sounds pretty "woe-is-me," and I wonder how much work she's REALLY done on herself these past several months . . .

I would respond with something like "You know what my conditions are for a reconciliation; they haven't changed. If you're ready to commit to that, please let me know. I don't expect you to be able to guarantee your FEELINGS for me for quite some time (and that will be difficult for me to guarantee as well), but the ACTIONS I would need to see have not and will not changed."

Something like that?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: HPoirot] #2588373
07/15/15 09:20 PM
07/15/15 09:20 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
T
TenBook Offline
Member
TenBook  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
Hey HP,

I don't think we need a vet to say that there cannot be a reconciliation with OM present in her life. Otherwise both you and the OM are just backup plans while she enjoys both worlds.

Let's skip mind reading and look at what she wrote specifically.

I have a great deal of sadness and anger about us, our marriage, and the impact of our marriage and separation on our S12.

I have also been feeling an incredible amount of depression and sadness about the way we ended, and the impact of this on S12.

HP, I know you don't believe me, but I have thought of you each and every day and I have grieved tremendously over the pain I have caused both you and our son.


I found her email full of guilt. Guilt that she has broken the family and her trouble in dealing with the associated misery. But nowhere HP is any indication that she feels her actions against you and S12 were wrong. Remorse is missing from her email. No apparent desire to reconcile her actions against what has happened isn't there.


To complicate things even more, I began seeing OM on a very regular basis after you left and have developed a relationship with him.


No indication of an end.

I will understand if you are not interested to talk to me. Whatever happens moving forward, I pray with my entire soul that one day you and I will have a friendship based on our bond with S12.....he is going to give us beautiful grandchildren one of these days and I want to share his life and his future in such a way where you and I can be comfortable and loving with one another.

I have no right to think that you would ever want to remotely talk about us and since I'm certainly in no position to offer you any guarantees ... why would you want to.? I won't reach out to you and bother you about any of this again. take care of yourself.

Reverse psychology at it's finest. She wants you as a friend and her relationship with S12 is troubled. You've denied all that to her over these months. She misses the consistency of your presence while indulging in her OM. The fantasy is breaking down because she needs HP as a part of that equation. She is now facing reality, but still desperately clings to cake eating. That email was a hail mary attempt.

XW. If you end your relationship and all contact with OM, I think you will find me willing to talk about and work on any and all issues -- including my own role in the prior problems we had in our M. But that ball is squarely in your court.

BINGO. Nothing has changed. Don't fall for the cake eating.

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: TenBook] #2588380
07/15/15 09:29 PM
07/15/15 09:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline
Member
PigPen  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
I have nothing to add other than the fact that you have one of the coolest names on this board. I imagine you walking out into knee deep water and "swimming" standing up.

Cheers.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: TenBook] #2588383
07/15/15 09:32 PM
07/15/15 09:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: TenBook
Hey HP,

I don't think we need a vet to say that there cannot be a reconciliation with OM present in her life. Otherwise both you and the OM are just backup plans while she enjoys both worlds.

Let's skip mind reading and look at what she wrote specifically.

I have a great deal of sadness and anger about us, our marriage, and the impact of our marriage and separation on our S12.

I have also been feeling an incredible amount of depression and sadness about the way we ended, and the impact of this on S12.

HP, I know you don't believe me, but I have thought of you each and every day and I have grieved tremendously over the pain I have caused both you and our son.


I found her email full of guilt. Guilt that she has broken the family and her trouble in dealing with the associated misery. But nowhere HP is any indication that she feels her actions against you and S12 were wrong. Remorse is missing from her email. No apparent desire to reconcile her actions against what has happened isn't there.


To complicate things even more, I began seeing OM on a very regular basis after you left and have developed a relationship with him.


No indication of an end.

I will understand if you are not interested to talk to me. Whatever happens moving forward, I pray with my entire soul that one day you and I will have a friendship based on our bond with S12.....he is going to give us beautiful grandchildren one of these days and I want to share his life and his future in such a way where you and I can be comfortable and loving with one another.

I have no right to think that you would ever want to remotely talk about us and since I'm certainly in no position to offer you any guarantees ... why would you want to.? I won't reach out to you and bother you about any of this again. take care of yourself.

Reverse psychology at it's finest. She wants you as a friend and her relationship with S12 is troubled. You've denied all that to her over these months. She misses the consistency of your presence while indulging in her OM. The fantasy is breaking down because she needs HP as a part of that equation. She is now facing reality, but still desperately clings to cake eating. That email was a hail mary attempt.

XW. If you end your relationship and all contact with OM, I think you will find me willing to talk about and work on any and all issues -- including my own role in the prior problems we had in our M. But that ball is squarely in your court.

BINGO. Nothing has changed. Don't fall for the cake eating.



whistle whistle whistle whistle


Great post, TenBook.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Starsky309] #2588387
07/15/15 09:37 PM
07/15/15 09:37 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
T
TenBook Offline
Member
TenBook  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
I've learned from the absolute best.

IMHO, I would not reply. Why give her the indication that HP is still waiting in the wings? To give her comfort that her indiscretions have no time penalty.

My response, if I even chose to say anything.

"I am sorry that you feel that way."

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: Cadet] #2588393
07/15/15 09:42 PM
07/15/15 09:42 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
T
TenBook Offline
Member
TenBook  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Mrs. HPoirot
I'm certainly in no position to offer you any guarantees ... why would you want to.?


Maybe she senses that she is losing her grip on you.



This.

This statement boils it all down. She is realizing that she is losing control over you.

Re: 10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us? [Re: TenBook] #2588394
07/15/15 09:42 PM
07/15/15 09:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Sometimes a short reply (and I like yours!) is better than no reply at all, much like leaving a DIME for a tip for bad service at a restaurant is better than leaving NO tip.

NOTHING makes them wonder if you simply forgot, or didn't get it.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004