A year on and tootling along

[Pink17]

Hi Gorgeous,

This is a long and painful list and it's hard to read it and not feel sad alongside with you.

I like the way you recognize and is using a technique to solve your issues with anger and pain. Of course it won't solve the problem over night, but taking one day at a time, will allow you to feel better and better.

You are a decent and lovely person Toots. All your H did and is doing is just going in circles thinking that life will be better somewhere else. The only thing he will figure is that he will still have himself whatever he goes. And he can't hide from himself.

I wish you can find some comfort during this difficult time. And about what some people think or have an opinion about people's reconciliation. Well, in my case I don't give a damn. Some people say to me that I am crazy thinking I would give XH a chance to start over, and I say that if it happen and when it happen I feel the same love for him, then I would do it.

If they insist I say: My life is mine to live and I have only one, so be what makes me happy.

The reality is that no one is paying your rent, your food, or whatever. You are the owner of your life and the only one to decide what you want. It does not matter what other people say or think, it is only about what you want.

If it gets hard, and harder, it would also be a good idea to see an IC. It has and is helping me with betrayal, rejection, self esteem, abandonment. I feel it is important to work on the anger and pain, but it seems superficial when I think about the real wounds that makes me angry and gives me pain. Sometimes we need to treat the source of the problem.

Toots, beautiful... you are a brave woman and is dealing with all this mess with tremendous grace. I admire your courage and I think you need to be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time.

We love you,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Bea and Lois - it's good to hear how it helps to get angry. I'm not there yet, but I do notice I feel calmer when I have been able to let some things out. I don't always feel angry as such, but I generate a bit of anger and release it. I'll keep doing that I think.

Thanks Jim and Pink. Jim, I think you may have said before, but why do you feel sorry for my H?? And Pink, your words helped me. I do need to just think and say - hey, it's my life and I'll live it how I want.

It's been a nice weekend. Not a busy social one, but pleasant and I've been feeling pretty chilled. I volunteered at the bookstore yesterday, and then helped my Dad in the garden for a couple of hours. In the evening, I rewatched Schindlers List - been wanting to do that for a while.

Today, I cleaned the whole flat, did some washing and cooked lunch for the parents. Spent some more time in the garden with my Dad. They have a big garden and he's been getting worried about it - I'm trying to give him a boost until he can get his gardening hours increased. Tonight I'll be off to aqua aerobics.

Since I wrote that big list on Friday, I have been wondering why I would want to remain married to H. Given what has passed, I just don't know that I could be happy with him again. Although I'm still sad, and I still think of him more often than I'd like, I'm feeling more and more ready for him to be further removed from my life. At one point I found it terrifying to think of D. Now, I'm calmly waiting for things to unfold - progress I think.

Thanks for stopping by xx

[Pink17]

Toot my dear,

Why would you want to be married to him? Let's just say you learned about the flaws in your M. You recognized the solutions for many gaps. Your R was shaken and you found a strong love inside of you.

That's is simple, understandable and that's why many couples do get back together even after the D.

The same way that things settle in a M and the spark is lost, it also happen in the new life we built for ourselves once we are apart.

Some people are very stubborn and once a decision is made they won't go back and they keep looking here, there and somewhere else. But, some people do think about and understand that they can go back, rekindle and rebuild a love that was lost somewhere in the midst of temporary difficulties.

Is this what will happen in your M? No one knows and that's why it's important to built a life you enjoy, to meet new people and be open for your own adventures.

It's just too much pressure right now, to think if you want or don't to be with your H. Let this thoughts on the side and think about them later on.

Try to deal with what is really important, give yourself time to griev and recent. Give yourself time to rebuild Toots.

I admire your activities, but yet they are all very safe. Did you think about towing yourself into some kind of environment where you can flirt?

What if you start exploring who you are now after a year on this nightmare? You are obviously not ready for any R. But give yourself a chance to find the woman that lives inside of you.

Take your head from your H a bit and focus on you and how to find Toots again. You may be surprised that you will start seeing that you have a lot to offer, that there are many folks out there with the same issues, that your H is not the center of the world and that you are worthed more then you even imaged.

Start dreaming, laughing. Cry hard when you need, feel sorry for yourself when the pain comes and then shake it all off, put on some nice clothes, makeup and your hills and show that power girl.

It's not easy, it may be harder then you think at first, but it's all inside of you. You control it, you are in charge.

Right now you have this D agony sindrome. Which by the way, many people go through in this forum. We will survive this and have some more life left to live, it's up to us to live it in fool or live as a fool.

Try to think that all what you are feeling is just normal at this time. The anger, the pain... it's all fear. It's like being in a top of a mountain, full af snow and knowing that a huge storm is upon you.

Breath... and take the focus from your H. Put all this energy into the new you.

By the way, who are you now after a year of learning? What are your goals moving foward. What are the countries you will visit? Are you settle in your job or you want to do something different in two or three years? Do you have your place the way you want? Or maybe you need to look for something more secure and permanent?

Did you loose the weight you want? What are the next adventure you want to risk yourself?

Toots, the world is a huge place and is an amazing teacher to us all. Let life flow and take it slow with the bad.

It will pass, will leave wounds as a big fall would leave the scars on your body, but it will pass and it is up to you now to open your eyes and see this world.

You will do this, you will be you again and you will smile with joy again.

Since Brasil is a messed up country, we learn this since we are born:
"There is no good that last forever, but there is no bad that won't end"

It sound a little funk in english, but it makes sense.

Write to us about something that is Toots. Stop focusing on that jerk H of yours. He does not deserve so much brain time right now. Maybe down the road, but not right now.

Many people here and I included, learned to love what you have to offer. Get it?

Love and big hugs for my sister in this journey.
Pink

[jim0987]

Morning Toots,

Firstly thanks for always posting on my thread when I do update, its much appreciated.

It sounds like you had both a pleasant and productive weekend which is always a good thing. And your Dad must be really grateful for the support. I don't know if its true in your case but it seems that others in our lives often benefit from our situation because we have more time and freedom to give to them.

To explain the feeling sorry for your H...

well the short version is that he is chasing a mirage, a fantasy that I just don't believe exists for a whole bunch of reasons. chief among those is that you get out what you put in. He's had 2 wives and he has a son, and yet in both cases he's thrown that away because 'next time it will be better'

And lets say he does meet someone who wants to have a family with him, he will find that full-time parenting is time-consuming and hard and has all kinds of stresses and strains, probably the same stuff that caused issues in his first marriage. Yes its incredibly rewarding but its not easy. And besides there's more than one way to have a family (OM1 is enjoying mine for example )

And that's before you get into the issues over what age he would be when any child he has now finishes school or gets married or has his grandchildren or all those other things that may follow.

He's chasing fool's gold, when he already has a son that he should be trying to build a strong and fully involved relationship with. He already has a marvellous, intelligent, caring and incredibly supportive wife who he already knows is great to be married to.

I don't advocate that people should settle for whats not right but I do believe that people don't have enough appreciation for the good things they already have in their life (especially given the reality of the world we live in)

So i know I've said i feel sorry for him but pity is the right word, he is giving up so much good for something I don't think he will find. He's just restarting his cycle.

There's an old joke that comes up in my line of work quite a bit but it seems an appropriate metaphor here

'A great flood was approaching a small town and all of the people fled the homes to the safety of shelters on the high ground. One man stayed behind convinced that his faith would save him.

A police officer visited this man and said 'please, you must leave or else you will drown'

The man refused to leave saying 'fear not, for I have faith and my lord will save me'

as the waters rose a boat came past the house, the crew called to the man and said 'please, you must leave or else you will drown'

The man refused to leave saying 'fear not, for I have faith and my lord will save me'

the waters rose further and the man had to climb on to the roof of his house.

A helicopter flew over and offered to rescue him, the crew called to the man and said ' the water is still rising, you must come now or else you will drown'

The man refused to leave saying 'fear not, for I have faith and my lord will save me'

the man drowned.

As he approached the gates of heaven the man was confused and spoke out

'Lord, I am a man of faith and I have served you well, why did you not save me when the flood came?'

The Lord replied

'I sent you a man, a boat and a helicopter. what more do you want?'

I guess my point in all of this is that he already had what he's seeking he just refuses to recognise it and is throwing it away. To me that is something I find quite sad and hence I feel sorry for him (Ditto Pink's H and RD's W by the way)

I will just quickly add for the sake of clarity I also can manage to think a number of decidedly derogatory things about what an idiot he's being and on the whole I am far more concerned by the collateral damage of his choices and in particular the affect its had on you.

I hope that all makes sense.

And just in case it got lost in all of that. Toots, I think you're brilliant and I really wish nothing but good things for you.

[Pink17]

Wow Jim,

You should be a writer, it's delightful to read every and each word. You amazes me with such use of words. Well done, well said.

Toots I agree with Jim!

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Jim, thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful post. I was so touched by it. Your words helped me a lot today and I so appreciate you taking such time and care to post. I kind of knew the answer, but I guess I needed to hear it again - and you did put it so eloquently.

Yes, I think fools gold is apt. And it is true of many sitches on this forum. The irony is the stats say next time it's unlikely to get better. Divorce rates are around 50% for first marriages, rising to around 60% for second and up to 80% for third. I'm not sure I would get married a third time round with those odds!

And Pink, thank you for your kind words. I do still focus on him way more than is good for me or he deserves. Something to keep working on. As for GAL - certainly this weekend was on the quiet side. And I agree that I could be a little more adventurous. I'll have a think about that one some more. I do like putting on heels and a pretty dress - though I mostly seem to do that for work these days! I bought a pretty chiffon dress this week - it is pink with white spots - fitted on top and with a full skirt...Pink, I think you would approve.

Thanks so much for your support my friends. It is a dream of mine that we will one day sit around a dinner table and enjoy each other's company for an evening. I used to want to invite the Dalai Lama for dinner....now I would just like to have my DB friends over,

Take care, Toots xx

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Jim and Pink said it all

Your a fantastic lady that has been treated incredibly badly by H You have stood tall , stuck by your principles and given H way more chances than he deserves

Thanks for being Toots , the most agreed with person since Budda said chillax !!!

Take care. Rd. xxxx

[Vanilla]

Toots

You stand until you decide it's time. It's OK, even D doesn't stop you from standing.

That's OK you know, to stand.

V

[Sotto]

RD & V, Thanks for stopping by. RD...I'm not sure if Budda actually used the word 'Chillax'

Well, it's been a busy couple of days at work and I had yoga GAL this evening. Tomorrow night I'm going out on a boat trip with a social group - wish me luck!

Feeling pretty good in myself. Radio silence between H & I last couple of weeks. As far as I know he is pulling stuff together ready to file. We'll see. I know he's going away for a couple of weeks in early August, so I'll be interested to see if he gears up before then. I know I'm posting about it, but I'm not obsessing about it. I feel pretty peaceful actually. It's done me good to release some emotion recently. I'm still doing a bit of primal screaming and pillow bashing when I get chance.

Working tomorrow, then charity bookstore on Friday. Calligraphy workshop on Saturday, then off work next week & I go away for four days with a friend - looking forward to that. May take a break from posting while I'm away.

Today, I had another nice convo with a guy at work. I've actually known him for years, but he was M the whole time I knew him. He D last year though. He seems a little interested in me...and he's a nice guy - attractive. I'm not going to pursue anything with someone right now, but it might be nice to get to know him a little better....and who knows in the longer term? Nice to have someone seem all pleased to see you anyway...

Take care all xx

[Sotto]

Having a bit of a rough day today. Woke up with a sore throad & feeling worse as the day goes on. Just cancelled my boat trip GAL for tonight, which is a shame. I have also been obsessing about my sitch in a way that I haven't done for a while. It's a good and bad thing. Good that it makes me realise I haven't felt like this in a good while. And bad that I'm feeling like this today.

What's led to this is I sent a text to a mutual friend of mine and H last week to see if she fancied meeting up over the summer. MF has kept in touch with us both and was the one who actually told me H said our R was over before he told me. MF hasn't replied to my text and it worries me that she hasn't replied. I sent a follow up text 5/6 days later saying hey MF - you doing okay? Still no reply.

Now, logically there could be a benign reason for no reply. But my mind has been wondering to dark places - mine to own I know. Is she going out with H now (she's recently D.) Has he got someone else pregnant and she's avoiding me so she doesn't have to tell me? Is there something else awful that I don't know? Does she not want to keep in touch any more? Why?

I know that none of it is helpful to me. And I won't do any more about it just now. And obsessing isn't helping me and I need to help myself. Also, I need to remember that what he may or may not be doing isn't really my concern as his life is his and mine is mine. So 2x4s welcome. As I say, I normally do pretty well and I don't get agitated about this stuff generally - which does make me realise how far I have come.

Hope everyone else is doing well today xx