Serve the servants: Wayward Wife & LRT (7)

[asitis]

Sounds like you had a great couple days.

I would consider taking D4 to a clinic to have the wound looked out. Your W's taking a picture and then wanting to take D4 to doctor tomorrow sets off some warning lights in me. It didn't help that she talked to OM and they was so nice to you. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'd want to show that you took care of this rather than having your W do that side.

What am I paranoid about, in many places one of the only reasons that the court will not award joint custody is that one parent has been shown to be unfit. I hope I'm wrong, and suspect I am, but I'd want to make sure that you have taken care of this so the W can't build a case that either (1) your neglect lead to this injury; and (2) that you weren't responsible enough to have it seen to in a a responsible manner, but she did. By itself, it wouldn't be a big deal, but if she starts doing things to twist such events, it becomes more of a big deal.

Lousy thing to waste your time on, but often the urgent care clinics are fairly fast in and out. You know your W better than us, but just food for thought.

[Defacto]

Asitis,
Totally see your point and I appreciate your good natured paranoia. I never considered that angle in the heat of the moment. That's exactly why this forum is so important, a fresh and objective perspective.

I would find it hard to believe that the court would find me at fault for neglect when I called a nurse after the injury. It just happens this nurse is also D4's mother. STBX met with me and decided it was ok to wait for treatment. If anything, she would be complicit in the neglect, especially if she was off to see OM.

Either way, it's all academic. I'm dropping the kids off with STBX in 45 minutes.

[asitis]

Just write it up in a private journal while it is fresh in your mind. You don't know how she will spin it, with the only documentary evidence being a physicians visit. Then put it aside, as it sounds like I was just being overly paranoid (still why take a picture?).

Cheers.

[Defacto]

I feel for you man. I was served papers on the 6/19/15 as well. If you don't mind me asking, what is you plan going forward with the divorce? Do you have an attorney? Do you plan to drag things out in hopes of your W coming to reality?

I wish we were linked for some other reason LOL.

Yes, I have a L. I've told L that I would like to drag out the process in hopes of reconciliation.

[Defacto]

I'm so tired of STBX's lies. I push back my child drop off because STBX guilts me in to spending more time with the kids. I'm so thankful I got that time. However, I pull up to MIL's house and STBX isn't even there. She wanted me to keep the kids longer so her mom wouldn't have to watch them while she was out doing whatever.

To make matters worse, as I'm leaving, D4 comes running after me, crying and screaming, asking me not to leave. I held her and kissed her for ten minutes but she wouldn't let go. I looked over and saw FIL with tears in his eyes. MIL had to pry D4 out of my arms so I could leave. It took every ounce of my being to keep from breaking out in tears.

I'm devastated.

Then STBX calls. I answer because I think she might have some news about D4. Instead, she calls to thank me for being so good with D4. She knows something is wrong and asks if I'm mad at her. I say no and tell her about D4's meltdown. She proceeds to ask me if I blame her for this.

STBX starts to say how she has questioned this process many times and she has tried to call and talk to me about changing course. I ask her why she has had doubts. But then she turns on the spew and blames me for slandering her to all of her friends and making it uncomfortable for her at work. "This is on you." Etcetera etcetera.

I try my best to validate but she is only interested in shifting all the blame to me. I try to cordially end the call. I just don't have any more energy to listen to it anymore. I ask for her to take care of D4 because she has had a tough day.

Aargh. This day has went from bad to worse in a hurry.

[mahhhty]

I'm sorry about D4. I've been there. And there is not fun. It [censored].

It sounds like you did well on the phone. What do you think? When she starts the spew, I suggest you have a predefined response to say right back to her. This response should be direct clear and should break the conversation in its tracks.

[Ripken8]

Defacro. Stay the present course. Your wife is still initiating contact with you and whether it's positive or spew, it's still emotion because she cares. Mine is indifferent and with om. So, really not much hope for me on that front.

Hang in there, keep the pma and gal. You've come so far already!

[asitis]

Sorry Defacto,

It's hard to watch the kids suffer, but she could have had that reaction if you and your W were dropping her off at your iLs for a date. So, don't read too much into it. Your iLs are clearly troubled by the pain your D4s is going through and they know who is walking away from the M.

You did well w/ your W. Keep doing what you are doing. Her spew doesn't mean that she's not considering moving back toward you, so don't read into it. For instance, it could be that she's been thinking this and it scares her to feel this way. Or she could be ashamed of what she has done and is dodging the pain of that by acting out against you. If it allows her to take that step weather the storm as you did. If it was genuine spew, then it just means that she's not ready yet.

You've been doing the right things. Things aren't deteriorating, and may be thawing a bit, despite the spewfest.

Keep going forward. Children are resilient. Ds hurt them for sure, but you are doing everything to change that future, and you are in a lot better place to be there for her no matter which way the M turns.

[Defacto]

Just write it up in a private journal while it is fresh in your mind.

This is great advice. I did it.

When she starts the spew, I suggest you have a predefined response to say right back to her. This response should be direct clear and should break the conversation in its tracks.

This is also great advice. I don't currently have a predefined response. Any suggestions or examples?

Hang in there, keep the pma and gal. You've come so far already!

Thanks Rip. You're right, I have come a long way so far. I've come too far to give up now.

You did well w/ your W. Keep doing what you are doing. Her spew doesn't mean that she's not considering moving back toward you, so don't read into it. For instance, it could be that she's been thinking this and it scares her to feel this way. Or she could be ashamed of what she has done and is dodging the pain of that by acting out against you. If it allows her to take that step weather the storm as you did. If it was genuine spew, then it just means that she's not ready yet.

You've been doing the right things. Things aren't deteriorating, and may be thawing a bit, despite the spewfest.

I think you're right. Not to mindread, but I think STBX is conflicted. She's definitely not ready and I just need to stay the course.

Journaling:
After getting off phone with STBX last night, I headed over to a friend's house to hang and watch the World Cup final. We fired up the grill and enjoyed a few beers. Afterwards, we watched True Detective. Full disclosure, there was a girl there that I kind of flirted with off and on. She sat next to me on the couch while we watched TV. There is nothing there but it felt good and weird all at the same just to engage and be interested in anyone besides STBX. Don't worry, I don't plan on pursuing any romantic relationships at this time.

At halftime of the soccer match, I FaceTimed with D4 and S1. It was good to talk with both of them and it appeared that D4 had recovered from her earlier meltdown. STBX were cordial towards each other in our limited dialogue.

This morning, I woke up in the funk and realized that I never really had adequate time to decompress from the maelstrom that was Sunday. I decided to take a mental health day from work. It will do me some good to run some errands, straighten up the house, and I even called the plumber to take care of an issue I had been putting off for years. I also need to start getting all the documents together for the financial affidavit, etc.

I haven't heard from STBX about D4's appointment yet but I don't plan on taking any of her calls today, unless it is an emergency. I'm sure she will send a TM with an update when she has one. Either way, I can ask about D4's appointment when I talk with the kids in the evening.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

STBX starts to say how she has questioned this process many times and she has tried to call and talk to me about changing course. I ask her why she has had doubts. But then she turns on the spew and blames me for slandering her to all of her friends and making it uncomfortable for her at work. "This is on you." Etcetera etcetera.

I try my best to validate but she is only interested in shifting all the blame to me. I try to cordially end the call. I just don't have any more energy to listen to it anymore. I ask for her to take care of D4 because she has had a tough day.

Aargh. This day has went from bad to worse in a hurry.

I still think you have missed and keep missing opportunities and it's frustrating to me to watch you miss this under the banner of detaching.

Detaching, to me, means this "spew" won't/shouldn't really bother you anymore, not that you give her the silent treatment when she starts talking about your relationship. Your wife has months and months of rationalizations and justifications built up in her mind that she needs to work through before she can get to a place of being ready to accept responsibility for her choices. So what if she blames you and etc, etc, etc. Her words are only expressing her illogical "feelings" on the subject because taking full responsibility is just too hard to do at this moment. You are a logical thinker. She isn't. All you have to do is listen. You will get a lot of credit LATER for just listening to her say whatever mean thing she chooses to discuss with you. Half the time they don't even remember half the hateful stuff they say. They are just reaching for whatever they can, like a child, to make everything someone else's fault. She can blame you all she wants but your logic should be telling you "I'm rubber and she's glue, whatever she says to me, bounces off and sticks her".

Point is. Of course she's not ready. She's lost. She's not going to stumble upon the right words and give you assurances of anything. Even if she said "the right words" you'd be a fool to believe them YET anyway. As Michele Wiener Davis says "The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partners new interest, but not too responsive." Whereas you are being almost completely NON-responsive. You asked one question and she started spewing and you demonstrated your conflict avoiding/emotionally unresponsive stance by evading, getting off the phone ASAP and, now, giving her the silent treatment.

I suggest you apologize to her for skipping out on the conversation and tell her, as she's aware, that you are a conflict avoider. Tell her that if you two are going to figure anything out it's going to involve some conflict and you aren't afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. Then ask her casually if she'd like to meet you somewhere specific (a restaurant or park) "to talk" sometime this week OR NOT. You'd be approaching this as essentially saying that YOU are doing her a favor and finally willing to talk to her...if she wants.

Please see that her first big objection above was "I TRIED to talk you to". This is now her most current rationalization and justification. SHE has tried and you aren't communicative so it's again, your fault. By generally offering to talk...you take that away.


NOW...if she ACCEPTS talking. Go back to your MWD LRT techniques. Meet with her but HAVE FUN. Be more GAL than serious. When it gets serious....JUST LISTEN. I prefer to say "tend to agree" versus "validate" because validation of wayward spew is just so hard to do sometimes where it's easier to NOT buy it, let it fly past you and say "Hmmmmm, I see", while seeming to nod your head up and down followed by a poignant or misdirecting question instead of a "validating" statement. It's not your job to "validate" spew and a wayward doesn't need you to say "yeah, you're right, it's all my fault". They don't REALLY believe half the stuff they say themselves. Anyway, heres the LRT suggestions"

1. Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
2 Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
3. Do not ask any questions about your future together.
4. Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through.
5. Continue to be upbeat.
6. Do not say, "I love you"
7. Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.
8. Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.

You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold. Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. You can try discussing your future together and see what happens. If your spouse is receptive, you can continue to move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place. If, on the other hand, you're met with reluctance, backpedal just as quickly as you can. Resume your interested but distant stance until things move in a more positive direction. This might take a whole lot longer that you would like, weeks, even months. However, you must be patient. As long as your spouse seems to be somewhat interested rather than pulling away, it's okay for your marriage to be in a holding pattern. It will try your patience, but what else do you have to do right now that could be as important as trying to save your marriage? Be patient.

I certainly expect some detractors to come behind me telling you to stay the course you are seemingly already on. Keeping your distance and making her chase you. They care about you just as I do and want to protect you from further emotional pain but you've had a window of opportunity here to save the mother of your children from making the biggest mistake of her life for awhile now. I'm estimating that she's just about done "pursuing" you (way wards think THEY are the prize...she just had some big shot Doctor chasing her so she FEELS like she's the deal right now). I KNOW it's wholly inadequate. I know she's still thinking and saying very hurtful things right now. But detaching enough so you can get in there and hack the spew while BEING the cocky arrogant man who knows he's the best man in the world for her and she'd be a fool not to reciprocate eventually is the best way to go. On behalf of your daughter/children that you DO love more than life itself I urge you to TRY to win over your wife's cold heart by being a resilient confident man who's not afraid of a little conflict and complaining.

Turn your FEAR into FAITH. You can be her hero and save her...if YOU choose to be. Sure she can reject it but she'll never be able to tell anyone you didn't try or you gave up on her and your family.