After you tell W all of that ^^, you might want to show a bit vulnerability by stating that you did this out of fear of being the "real you" because you were afraid she'd reject you after 'seeing' you. Close it out by saying how wrong you were all along and you're determined to live your life clean along with your core values.
Perhaps invite her to go to the pin ceremony. No expectations.
I think you've got this...you've done your own research and talking to the right people in the field. You'll be just fine.
Thanks Wonka, I just finished a second session with addiction counselor to go over everything on Thurs. He agrees that it's ok to let her know how much fear I had over abandonment and rejection, that it's not justifying the behavior but letting her see that I was scared and hurt myself.
It's the truth, I used to "joke" with my W that she married me because I was the last man standing. She had rejected me over and over in my mind by dating my friends, online dating, and then dating me and breaking up with me numerous times. All the while knowing how I felt about her as I had taken the risk and told her my true feelings for her early on.
Just the exercise this week of putting myself in her shoes and feeling how she felt also put me square in my own shoes and I was honest with myself about how much fear I had through out my marriage that at any point I was going to be rejected.
Of course, I shared none of this with my W except through passive jokes like the one above, but that's how I felt. Had I been sober enough and centered enough I would have sat down with her and asked her questions about our early times and shared with her the pain that I still carried from them. Instead I buried them and they came out in bad behaviors and self protection.
I'm not justifying anything that I did, and know that there was a much more authentic way to be in an adult relationship. I know this now, and feel that part of this meeting on Thurs is going to be the first time that my W has ever seen this level of vulnerable authenticity.
Now just to GAL for the next two days I don't go crazy in my own skin.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I'm forecasting out a week. A week from now I'm going to have a lot of clarity. I'm going to feel like I was heard, I listened with an open heart, and have a clearer understanding of what's happening in my life, and what I want to do moving with it forward...
This afternoon I'm meeting with my business partner to continue negotiations on my new role in our business. He was not happy with my last proposal and this has led to a lot of tension in our office. Tension I could do without this week.
Tomorrow I meet with my WAW for the first time in three months and a counselor. I've been taking deep breaths for the last two weeks knowing that this meeting is coming. The combo of having these two back to back is one of the most intense feelings I've ever had to deal with.
Fortunately, I have not wanted to disappear into drinking, smoking pot, or numbing myself in any other way and have felt there are immense lessons to be gleaned from the pain and uncertainty of it all. I also believe with all my heart that both are necessary parts of my own individuation and growth. If I want big changes, I've got to be willing to go through growing pains.
Deep breaths, lots of them today. Trust in my higher power today. Lots of it. Gratitude for all of the positives today. Immense amounts of it. Gratitude for all of the advice and support I've gotten on the DB board. Worlds of it.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Just go in remembering that whatever she says, when you let it sit afterwards it may not be as good or bad as it struck you on first hearing it. I know that sometime my W will be really disrespectful, full of revisionist history, and hurt that she will lash out (see my meeting with her yesterday in my thread for an example). Felt crappy, initial reaction was, Oh sh*t, this is not where I was hoping things would go, she's made up her mind and isn't going to change it ever, yada, yada, yada.
After meeting, start processing the feelings. Realize, yes she is still really angry and wants to be heard and listened to. Wants to be acknowledged and respected. Damn, you did exactly that. Great job. This was something that needed to be done. It showed her exactly that I wasn't that old as_it_is that she is so angry. Came back the next morning with the "I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday, and ..." which built on that and really showed. Do I think that she will now start really reconsidering the sitch? Do I think we have it all out and she'll now be ready to move to stage 2? No.
Did what looked like a set-back really turn out to be one? No.
So, go in there knowing that you won't know in the moment whether what is going on is good or bad. Pay attention to your feelings, but don't let yourself get too reactive. Think, is what she is saying good or bac? "I don't know." OK, validate, ask questions, don't be bashful about feeling your own anger, as long as you keep it in I statements. Look at her and listen to her with curiosity. Give her your full attention without trying to think about what you are going to say.
You'll be stressed, but you can manage it with that I won't know how things are going until afterwards, if then, so no big deal.
Breathe. You're doing good work.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
That's great advice As, I have no idea what the real meaning of anything is tomorrow. On Dif's thread we're seeing the power of seeds being planted. All I can hope is to do the same. Or even if not that, just to be heard. If my W hears me, sees me for who I am and still wants out down the road, at least I've put all of my cards on the table.
I've got the morning mapped out with meditation, a hard workout so I'm flush with endorphins, a review of my notes, and only a half cup of coffee.
Appreciate the support from you both.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Pigpen, I'm sorry to hear that. I know you have put lots of effort into this. There's not much you can do about your W's decision. She is where she is right now. You have come a long way and I think the main thing is to focus on your own path, your own progress and maintaining what you have achieved.
Yes, this is a setback, but try and see it as a stumble. Thank her for letting you know and go make the most of the session yourself. You can do this my friend.
(((Pigpen)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This was not what I was hoping for, but is very consistent on her end. She's terrified of dealing with this on the ground level and has been since day 1. I don't know if that's a fear of hurting me, or admitting to herself that this wasn't the right decision, or something all together different. I just know there has been reluctance to have a real conversation after BD.
From day 1, this has all been about a spiritual contract that has expired, and the Universe's decision for us.
I will respond as you recommend Wonka. Thank you very much.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
