The Bird, the Cage, and the open door.

[ForeverYoung]

During this entire crisis ... just a handful of times she would do this. Call me nuts ... but if anything it was that little thing, that action that made me feel the girl I knew and loved was deep down in there some where and this was her way of saying 'hi, don't give up on me'.

During our heart to heart .. she brought this section up (I just mentioned the toe thing and how it was 'ours' and I found it endearing), I shared with her that in the past 2 years ... when she did that it was one of the things that stopped me from dropping it all, I felt that she was trying to tell me something even though she was lost, she smiled and told me "Yeah it was excactly like that, I remember doing those things wanting to tell you so many things but not able to look at you ashamed of what I've done, and in a way that was me telling you I Loved you"

I love this! See, this is why you haven't given up on her... Nor her on you.

Quit doubting your patience, Cali. If you weren't a patient man you wouldn't be where you are now.

Continue to look for the good... Then take it, and run with it.

Reading SSM together? I'm envious.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you everyone.. sincerely

Last night I did my usual routine, W had been TM quite often, she called me right as lunch hit and we met up for an 'out of the blue' lunch which was nice.

I have been working on my PMA a bit more, trying to focus more on the good things rather than the things that are lacking ... realizing I would rather be where I am ... than where I was last year, 3 years ago, even 5. Looking at it my PMA has been solid, just not around W as much ... most likely guarded in a way ... but thats not who I am nor who I want to be.

The original plan was for us to cook dinner together, however W TM she was at the gym so I decided to cook S dinner as I ate left overs. W TM she was on her way around 5:45, I told her to take her time as we were all set. She seemed a little upset we were not over at her place but I did let her know she had changed what we had planned, no big deal we would be over soon.

Arrive to W's got S in the shower and W and I did homework, chatted a bit. I read the new book some then S jumped into bed and all 3 of us were reading Snoopy taking turns reading a page and really having fun, enjoying ... dare I say Real Family time.
I got up put S to bed, he was all boyish and happy, took the dog out for his walk, cleaned up and jumped into bed, continued reading the new book some as W was watching a show on the iPad. I set the book down and turned off the light, leaned over and kissed her goodnight ... was at peace and relaxed. Well .. one thing lead to another and there was some heavy petting going on again .. .she had mentioned the STD flare up ... so we just messed around some. She was frustrated ... I was caught off guard, we talked some about it but she was upset as she felt cheated and things were one sided like the old M. I did talk to her about my concern with the 'issue' but she was not going to be talked off the ledge. We chit chatted about some other thigns .. nothing important and ended up going to sleep.

Middle of the night S wakes and has somethign in his eye ... I am a deep sleeper .. was of little help. They end up getting him all set and he jumps in bed with us, W jokingly gives me a hard time about how I was no help.

Wake up and take the dog for his walk, W asked me to get S breakfast as she had a busy day scheduled ... again .. frustration in her tone, I took care of what she asked, told her goodbye and she snapped about some other things that needed done, I calmly ask her what ... do them .. but did tell her I realized she was frustrated but its no reason to get nasty. I return to say goodbye .. .her tone was better, but not all loving.


So thats the daily report. I will put on the mindreading cap. Some of the Old M stuff showed through last night and this morning, along with the fallout of the A and what it left behind. I am not sure which of the 2 she is upset with, more likely the former as I do not think she wants to really face the later and realize it is an issue, one we will have to address. I was calm, understanding to a point but did stand up and let her know I was not going to be the punching bag, this did change her tone some .. and would never have happened in the old M. (Progress)

I expect a bit of dim on the TM front today, I could contact her later I am thinking about this, she needs time to process things I think.

[Zephyr]

During our heart to heart .. she brought this section up (I just mentioned the toe thing and how it was 'ours' and I found it endearing), I shared with her that in the past 2 years ... when she did that it was one of the things that stopped me from dropping it all, I felt that she was trying to tell me something even though she was lost, she smiled and told me "Yeah it was excactly like that, I remember doing those things wanting to tell you so many things but not able to look at you ashamed of what I've done, and in a way that was me telling you I Loved you"

Crazy as it seems how close we get to just saying 'I am done'.
what causes the WAS to do these little endearing things even though it feels like they are miles away. It could be they are just trying to keep us hooked. it could be they are trying to hold onto us, even though they want nothing to do with us. I would imagine that they have to know how close WE are to leaving. I would love to ask my wife this one day to see if those couple of things she does (and I view them as a gesture of love - even though nothing else seems that way) are in fact a sign or just me seeing what I want to see. IDK.

I realize that I still need hope to keep me going through with this process. Hope that this is not a huge endeavor of futility and that all these efforts are not just 'postponing the inevitable'. Hope that there is a future together.

I want to believe that this hope is not me still holding onto a dream and I am not a naïve little boy who still wants to hold onto something that truly will never return. Those days when I see there is little hope are very hard. Just yesterday I was thinking for the very first time in my marriage that maybe it is time for me to just be done with this. There are lots of signs of improvement, but lots of signs that her position of one foot out the door is getting closer to the reality of the second foot following.

Thank you for sharing Cali...this little anecdote was very much needed for me today.

[AJM]

I expect a bit of dim on the TM front today, I could contact her later I am thinking about this, she needs time to process things I think.

Why? Why, if she is actually dim, would you want to interrupt that. Have you learned nothing? And why oh why are you mind-reading and anticipating her actions? Wasn't that a problem before??

I realize that I still need hope to keep me going through with this process. Hope that this is not a huge endeavor of futility and that all these efforts are not just 'postponing the inevitable'. Hope that there is a future together.

Perhaps Cali can comment on this, but it seems to me that you can only control what you can control. And *somebody* has to have hope. Why shouldn't it be you, Zephyr?

AJ

[CaliGuy]

LOL AJ ... I have learned a ton, one of which is I am an awesome mind reader .... you just rolled your eyes .. see how good I am?

As far as the Dim thing, I typically do not/have not initiated contact, so just figured I would toss a curve and in this case it we received warmly ... I did not make much of it nor did I have any expectations.

Zephyr ... I think there is always hope, you have to have something from time to time, the danger is putting yourself all the way on that thin ice. You do have to get to a point where that hope is more "I will be just dandy regardless M or no M, sure I would prefer the M, I think most here would and that's what the forum is trying to help ... but MORE importantly .. yes MORE than the M, is the individual. That's where the hope is ... hope we will all wake up and be better versions of ourselves regardless of the outcomes of the sitch.

[CaliGuy]

Just going to add a bit. Seems the updates are less and less as honestly there is not much going on.

Still have been staying at W's place, becoming more routine in a way ... but very different from old M. We eat as a family as we did, but with no TV (My doing) we talk, then S will go shower and W and I do our homework. We will either read or watch TV as a family then S goes to bed. Same as before with some subtle changes. Here is where things are different. W and I even talked about this last night. After S is in bed (we both put him to bed now) her and I get ready and jump in bed about the time she always went upstairs ... I would typically jump on the laptop and put on Sportscenter. she was out early and I would not go to bed till 11:30. Now we get in bed together, talk a bit .. just pillow talk .. light chit chat. Her IC instructed her no bad thoughts/talks at night ... do not bring up any issues, light hearted talks. So we do that ... we have read together (SSM by MWD or another book her IC gave her) .... or she might watch her shows on Netflix and I will read .... regardless we are together on the bed.

She asked me yesterday if it felt weird going to my place now ... caught me off guard and I shared I felt like I was homeless in a way ... not really moved in with her, but have not been at my place much at all. In the last 3 weeks I have slept at my place 5 nights 3 of those due to DJing Fridays and not wanting to wake her.(tonight will be the same) Was not much of a talk, I am good with the arrangement as me having that place as a back up puts less pressure on us, and I do not feel trapped knowing I can always go back there. Yesterday when I came in W did say to S "Daddy is home" ... I smiled and thought ... wow ... this time last year, no way were those words in her capacity.

So that's the update, now about some things I am wrestling with. The big blow up last weekend is still on my mind, not so much the OM stuff, I can understand her thought process on that and where she was with the depression spiral and all that. Its the OM2 who is in the friend zone and the fact she deletes the communication with him. I had a problem about 10 years ago with a similar incident, might have mishandled it but still stand by my though that there is a line, a boundary, with relationships outside the M especially when its the opposite gender. Given the OM and the A ... I might be even more sensitive to this, but I have not shown my hand.. but it is the elephant in the room. Currently I have approached it just as I did the A and OM, not much I can do .... however its the deleting/hiding/deceit that is stuck in my head, and is something I have told her I would not want in the new M, something I want to calmly discuss but waiting for the right time. I am ok with OM2 as a friend, provided she is open about it. Mindreading here .. I think she will assume I have an issue to the extent they talk. I do think her and I will have to redress the transparency/trust issue ... nothing has to be done now, but it is on my mind.

Tomorrow we have our 2nd Post session from Retrouvaille. I will say we did better these past 2 weeks, made more time to do homework, and have been communicating better. We drop S off early at his friends place .. he goes to a birthday Movie day, we are done at 12:30 but do not get S till 6:30 .... I might suggest a date after we finish the post (180) Sunday morning I have my football game, I am taking S so W can go run or do the gym, after S and I are going swimming and I think I will cook a nice meal that night, after I go for a ride on the Harley...something I have not told W but I will hand S off to her and GAL for a couple hours.

W mentioned this week in our hmwk that she really loved my 'kitchen skillz' and realized how much she missed them and how she really enjoyed dinner Wednesday night ... I did some corn, potatoes and steaks .... I kill the midwest stick to your ribs stuff.... she joked that I was trying to fatten her up for the kill.

So things have been going well, I find myself detached a bit, not in a bad way but more in control, not pursuing, not to up nor to down. Had a bad night the other night trying to sleep (mind racing about the A/OM) and just could not shake it ... got up and slept on the couch. W asked about it I just told her 'bad night' left it at that. I think the detachment stems from the OM2 stuff ... I truly know nothing is 'there' but its that deceit thing, she is not hiding the phone like she has done for the past 3 years or so ... but in the same breathe she does not really want me to 'snoop.

[HaWho]

Wow CaliGuy-just caught up on your sitch.

You are leaps and bounds ahead of me in this whole process. I am re-reading the advice you gave me pertaining to my H's possible EA/PA. I see the advice through a very different lens given the info in your last few threads.

Thanks for sharing, very helpful to read.

[HaWho]

Zephyr-so well said about these moments that lure us back. Each time I get ready to throw in the towel, some tiny gesture from S makes me dust myself off and start walking again.

I don't know if they are intentional or coincidental lures. But the fact that I see something in these moments tells me I am not ready to wash my hands of it all.

[CaliGuy]

Zephyr-so well said about these moments that lure us back. Each time I get ready to throw in the towel, some tiny gesture from S makes me dust myself off and start walking again.

I don't know if they are intentional or coincidental lures. But the fact that I see something in these moments tells me I am not ready to wash my hands of it all.

I had a few, looking back they were typically temp checks ... she would do things just to make certain I was just where she left me. Being the rock .. I was not to move, and for some time .. I was not able to move, was not strong enough. But when I did move and was strong enough ... There was movement.

[Vanilla]

Cali

I love your posts on newcomers. I have nothing really to say as I know very little of MLC. But thank you for your trips to the starter home section of the board.

I will read your thread so I can give a little nod of encouragement from time to time.

V