I don't feel even a hint of desperation. Not a bit. I could continue this conversation or not, but it doesn't have some enormous impact on the rest of my life.
I feel VERY different.
It's nice he recognized our anniversary and it's nice he said the things he did. But, I don't feel myself holding my breath.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
While it's nice to hear something positive, the odds are good that he's just having a momentary peek out of the tunnel, or the girlfriend is gone for a few days, or they had a fight and he's just checking to make sure if Plan B is still an option. You can be polite but never ever put any stock into words without actions.
Also - where are you at with the divorce? Could he be trying to butter you up to get something out of you? Is that property settlement done yet?
Heather, He isn't truly interested in the fishing up there. I might be wrong, but I think he's fishing for info and trying to find a soft spot in your heart to get something out of you. He's done this before and unfortunately, you do have that soft spot whenever he's showing interest or being kind to you.
I wouldn't address the deadline issue w/him. It's none of his business when it is. Also, if he's so darn interested in the actual past time of fishing, he could use the internet to search for the area and see what's biting in that region.
You do not need to respond. He's got the wrong kind of bait to hook you this time!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is so right - I have been there, done that and have the movie rights. They are past masters at manipulation and saying what they need to say. Actions matter more, and following them through.
My xh was just trying to reel me in again. Now I know the signs. It isn't about you, it is about him. Util that dynamic truly changeeeee be very very careful.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support and feedback.
One thing that came up in the therapy session I had recently was the fact I'm an empath. I'm very sensitive to the feelings of others. Matt isn't manipulating. He is very fragile and easily spooked right now. I think it took some courage to call D20 last weekend and to reach out with the anniversary message. I'm not saying he is super courageous, he's been super-dic, but I'm aware it wasn't easy to do.
And, I feel good about telling him his family didn't stop loving him and missing him. I planted the seed. Now, I will shut up. He can come to me if he chooses.
I think he will, but it could take months and years. He could, literally, be on his death bed. And, I'm aware that my feelings for him have changed. I'm not the same girl who is easily manipulated and terrified of abandonment. He doesn't hold the power over me anymore.
I'm amazingly OK. I know I've spent a lot of time dealing with the frustrations of this move, new job, settling down with D12, finances, etc... Where Matt is concerned, however, I'm in a really good place. I feel strong. The best way I can say it... I don't feel vulnerable.
Somewhere on this journey, I made God my God and removed Matt from that throne. He is just a fragile person who is missing his family. And, I do believe he is hurting and regretting his actions. I don't think he has reached a bottom and he may never get there. He has to face up to some wicked things he has done, especially with the girls.
I've had a sense for awhile that he is slowly coming out of the fog. He has taken small actions like texting D12 daily for six months, paid for the concert tickets, took some action to help me with the support payments and atty issues, telling me he has no plans to remarry... times where he called to get details and help me, paid for D20's car insurance-and did the foot work, called D20.
I realize, in the normal world, these are small, relatively insignificant things...but, for him, I see them as small steps.
But, the biggest change is with me. I ended the conversation yesterday. I don't feel that painful tug to remain engaged while I have his attention.
This last 8 months has been a boot camp of sorts for me. I've had to rise to the occasion when I felt like throwing in the towel.
When I felt that I couldn't take another step, I've continued to put out a newspaper and deal with the jerks at work and handle a limited budget and I've done it alone, dragging two cats, a dog and D12 in almost Canada.
I woke up last night thinking about what I expect from Matt. If I were to verbalize it... which I don't think he can handle at this stage... If I were...I'd tell him that I expect him to do the same. I expect him to rise to the occasion like I have, no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Matt doesn't do uncomfortable unless he is very lonely, scared and broken. Time will tell. Today, I find the situation he placed himself very sad.
And, I still feel some anger.
Also, saw a picture of myself. Ick. The stress has really taken its toll. I look terrible. Weight gain, acne, stress on my face. Something has to give. I'm not sure what. D12 told me again last night how much she hates my job. At 2 a.m. had a clear picture of the job I want. Just writing. No editing. Just writing.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/07/1512:21 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The adult children of narcissistic parents are attuned to the needs and expectations of self-absorbed people because this is how they survived childhood. They learned that to be accepted (if not truly loved for who they are), they must shape their behavior/personality to meet the needs of others. As adults, they naturally fall into the same pattern with other narcissistic people because it is familiar to them. They believe such self-abnegating behavior will earn them love and acceptance. Each new relationship revives the hope that this time, at long last, someone will give them the love and full acceptance they have always longed for.
For this reason, the adult children of narcissistic parents need to be aware of the ways they will sacrifice their own needs to serve other selfish people; they need to place a value on their own needs and develop a sense of self-worth apart from the approval they constantly seek from their partners, friends, colleagues, etc.
