Rebuilding my castle...foundation is halfway...

[LoisB]

One last thing. This fits into the relationships after MLC category.

So... The Forester comes out of the wood work again. I, purposely, didn't contact him. He seemed out for only some distraction, not a relationship. So, I left him to his own whatever.

He reaches out to me after a few weeks of nothing.

I respond. We talk about nothing and just shoot the whatever.

Then, he starts or I start... someone starts with the sexual innuendos.

Now. I've had this weird whatever this is with this man for over a year. We've been intimate. We have things in common. We definitely have chemistry.

I realize he is in Ohio and I'm in NY. But, one of us always reaches out to the other... so, I say, what if we make this something more?

What if we try a long distance relationship? He seems open to it. I lay some ground rules and describe what I'm looking for... maybe not exclusive at first, but we could meet here and there when I go to Ohio to visit family. He could come here from time-to-time.

I'm honest that I'm not looking for a relationship with someone right here, right now anyway. Can't do it with D12. Maybe we could figure this out.

Sounds like he is up for it... then, I say... "I need to feel special to someone, like someone has my back."

He responds with... "Well, until that happens, we can have fun."

WTF.

Then, he sends a couple stupid texts with things like... I'm a bad influence, but I'm fun.

That was enough for me. I've been around the bush with this guy plenty. So, I unfriended him on FB. Thought that would make my point.

He contacts me via text and asks why?

I tell him and it leads to this long, ridiculously drawn out conversation where he says over and over how he is just after fun. As the day wears on, he gets meaner... after I confront him that I've been honest all along and wanted more.

Somehow, this asshat turns it all around and makes me feel like I'm the weirdo for asking for more.

He gets all dramatic and says he's going to delete my contact information so it will be harder for him to contact me.

As I type this, I see there is something weird here.

Why do I attract psychos? Or, why do I find psychos so attractive.

I mean, after this conversation with this man... I, honestly, was questioning my sanity, I was feeling overwhelmed with rejection... again... and I had this sorta sick feeling in my stomach... it was very ewwww.

One of the few boyfriends I ever had turned out to be a compulsive liar. What the hell is wrong with me?

[bustingout]

Hi Heather

I'm glad to read that you are posting and working through this journey with your continued grace and self- reflection. It twists and turns and gets more interesting. Continue to detach and focus on yourself and your own well being. I find detachment to be the best medicine really.

Thinking of you (((((()))))))

[kml]

Sounds like he is up for it... then, I say... "I need to feel special to someone, like someone has my back."

He responds with... "Well, until that happens, we can have fun."

WTF.

What if we try a long distance relationship? He seems open to it. I lay some ground rules and describe what I'm looking for... maybe not exclusive at first, but we could meet here and there when I go to Ohio to visit family. He could come here from time-to-time.

Ok - reality check here. This guy has NEVER given you ANY indication that this was anything more than a fling to him. You then try to shoehorn him into a relationship by faking casual ("describe what I'm looking for... maybe not exclusive at first") but what you really are looking for is a real, committed, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Stop going to the hardware store to buy oranges! He doesn't offer what you are looking for, and no amount of wishing, hoping, or twisting yourself into a pretzel is going to change that. (And sure, he's confused - you just told him it didn't have to be an exclusive relationship - which he took to mean "fun, no strings" then you snapped on him.)

Trust me - a guy who WANTS to be in a relationship with you, will not require you to coax him into it. You need to be looking elsewhere.

The boyfriend I am with now has made the effort to be with me from day one. He calls frequently and is completely transparent about his day to day activities. He is empathetic and always offers a shoulder to lean on when I have troubles. He's kind to my mom and my kids. No coaxing required, no half measures.

Go out and look for that. You should not be SETTLING anymore! Go find what you deserve!

[LoisB]

Thanks Ellie.

I don't actually think I'm ready for a relationship. I'm still all over the place with my emotions. I'm lonely, but not where I want to be with me yet.

But, in a strange way, it's good to know he isn't a psycho. Maybe I am. But, that's just a given. ;-)

[job]

Heather,
You need to cut this man loose. He's not looking for a real relationship...but he's definitely looking for a booty call and to have nothing but simple fun. Besides, you truly aren't ready for a serious relationship. You still have moments on the rollercoaster w/your emotions. Besides, you are still married and haven't resolved the divorce issue yet.

God has a plan for you and when the time is right, the right man will come along and cross your path...but until then, continue to work on you, keep the focus on you and your little family and leave the man in OH in OH. He does nothing but mess w/your emotions and brain, which causes you to second guess yourself.

You want to continue moving forward, not backward.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job.

Yep. He's gone. He made a big damm deal about deleting me after I had already made it clear I was cutting our ties. Whatever.

So, yesterday, D12 was telling me how lonely she is. I've reached to umpteen homeschool groups. It's just not happening.

And, she said she is having dreams where she is telling me/begging me she doesn't want to be here for another snowy winter. Her unhappiness is breaking my heart.

I had an editor from Asheville reach out to me last week. We spoke over the phone. The position is for a reporter/assistant editor. But, the conversation was brief and I think she may have gotten the wrong impression about my experience about an editor. I think I will write to her and detail my experience a little more clearly so she has a better understanding of who I am and what I'm looking for. IDK.

The newspaper goes to press three times a week which scares the heck outta me. Three deadlines each week, instead of one.

Then, there's a house for rent much closer to work. We'd be closer to stuff to do. But, the area is pretty depressing. IDK.

I really wish my mom would come and help just for a few weeks. But, I know that's not reality.

It's been very lonely here. I'm very tired and just want to feel settled where I am.

Yesterday, we bought two cheap tennis rackets at Walmart and some tennis balls and took the dog for a fun time playing tennis badly. It was fun.

[LoisB]

D12 and I went to the July 4th parade in the village I cover. It felt really good. I felt a real part of things. People were waving to me as I took photos and smiling for the camera. I'm being identified as the newspaper and it's nice. And, people like me and like the work I've been doing.

Shortly before the parade, D12 and I looked at a house for rent. I'd be 15 minutes from my office, as opposed to 40 minutes. It's a 1950s ranch and reminds me a bit of the home we left in Ohio. That part is hard. I felt so trapped in that house... trapped by repairs needing attention.

However, it's in a neighborhood I cover where I have a few friends. The neighborhood is a small hamlet and there are some really impoverished houses... like a junk yard sits down the street. However, there are some beautiful homes too. Right across the street is a beautiful view... not the Adirondacks we have now... but pretty rolling hillsides and an old well-maintained stone farm.

The house is weird because it is a bit dilapidated on the outside and has Viking appliances, newer furnace, clawfoot tub... but the outside has been neglected. The basement smells really moldy. The windows have paint on them and dirt.

The rent is $350 cheaper than what I have now. But, I'd be responsible for yardwork and plowing... which I am now... I'd have to find someone to mow and plow. However, it's more like the home we had in Ohio and there's a yard with a garden and woods in back. D12 and the lab could explore.

I'm torn. The house doesn't have nearly as many windows and it's not as bright as where we live now, but it has some potential. Still, it needs some cleaning. There wouldn't be tennis courts and the prettiness we are used to now.

But, it's much smaller. Two smaller bedrooms and one bath. Having D20 home and visitors wouldn't be as easy. But, we don't have visitors from home anyway.

I'd be about 5-10 minutes from Lake O. Much closer to things like Target... homeschool groups in the bigger city. Half an hour closer to Syracuse, so I could try to hook D12 up with those homeschool groups.

Plus, the tutor we have now is the special ed teacher at the local school I cover. She has mentioned before she could put in a word for us if we tried to get D12 mainstreamed for a half-day. D12 loves this tutor. The school district we have now doesn't do half-days. And, the tutor thinks D12 would be overwhelmed with a full day and full classroom.

The guy who manages the home gave off a little bit of a creepy vibe... sorta like he was coming on to me. Told me about his impending divorce and wife who he caught cheating. Ick. But, he was really open to repairing things in order for me to take the place... new carpet for D12's room, painting D12's room. Whoever redid the house, replaced all the molding and the manager guy seemed worried about painting the place because of the possibility of getting paint on the molding. I understand that, but the place felt a bit gloomy.

Still, it means committing to staying here for another year.

I'm so torn. When I envision what works best for us right now, I see an apartment within a complex where things like garbage/plowing are included.

I wish I had been more careful about where we landed. But, I've learned a great deal and I seem to be getting quick responses to the small number of resumes I've sent out.

When I imagine the ideal place for us... I see somewhere like Asheville.

I feel cut right in half. I stay here. I see myself throwing myself into this paper and making it a little paper worthy of some small awards. But, it feels darker and less filled with light--does this make sense?

I see how D12 could make some friends.

I hate the fact D12 has lived with uncertainty for so long. And, the uncertainty followed us to NY. She needs me to make a decision and settle. She just does. But, she is torn too.

I know that when I'm stressed, I tend to overthink things and make things more complicated than they need to be.

I do see this house as a solution to some of that stress. I'd be 15 minutes from meetings and events and I could easily drop off D12 when I need to go somewhere. There are a couple of friends I have in the area who could help me. I could see myself becoming a part of the community.

But, if I hold out for another position in this rental I can't afford?? Will I find something with the same flexibility this job affords... albeit with some jerks I have to work with. They have still trained the hell outta me and I respect that.

I need D12 to be happy. That's my bottom line. I need her to be content. I dragged her away from a safe place with safe people. She is becoming increasingly frustrated and discouraged. She does not want to move to this little house and I'm not sure she could fit all of her stuff in that small room.

We're both sick of this transition. What's keeping my faith alive is knowing that I'm not only shedding a former life in Ohio, but a former self and that's not something that gets figured out in 8-9 months. I'm recreating myself and it's unrealistic to expect that I'd get it perfect right out of the gate.

When I think of it that way, I think why not hold out for what I really want? The finances, the details... none of it makes sense when I think about moving to Asheville. But, that's a lot more stress. But, D12 wants outta here. And, I've spent a long time NOT enjoying my life. I'm ready to get to it. Could I do that here? I don't know.

[job]

Heather,
You have several months before you need to make a decision as to whether you stay where you currently are located or to move. The house that you and your D looked at sounds like another dump. If someone is trying to rent the place, the least they could do is clean it up and have it looking somewhat respectable and inviting. Sounds like this is not the case. If the basement smells moldy, then I would be concerned about the dampness, etc. Not a good place to think about moving to.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't have the time or energy to work on this place. You need to be looking at places that are at least clean, good appliances and less yard work and snow plowing. I know you want to get closer to work and have some opportunities for your D, but sometimes we have to look at many places before the right one comes along.

As for the man managing the place, I would listen to my gut about him.

If you really want to move closer in, start networking w/people in the community and w/realtors. There has to be something out there that wouldn't require a lot of move in ready stuff.

[LoisB]

I think you're right Job. It would be moving backward, not forward.

I have been networking for months.

I think I'm going to focus on the job hunt.

Parts of this have been helpful to us...seeing what my skill set really is. If we can make friends here, I can make them elsewhere.

I'm going to focus on Asheville. And, I'm going to trust God will help me with the provisions... Somehow.

[LoisB]

I think you're right Job. It would be moving backward, not forward.

I have been networking for months. Everything is priced for military and dilapidated. We've looked at so many properties...most of which smell bad. If this was more than a stopping ground, I believe God would make it easier.

I think I'm going to focus on the job hunt.

Parts of this have been helpful to us...seeing what my skill set really is. If we can make friends here, I can make them elsewhere.

I'm going to focus on Asheville. And, I'm going to trust God will help me with the provisions... Somehow.

I told D12 we weren't moving to the little ugly house and she kept saying "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!"

I applied to an Asheville hospital, autism non-profit and the YMCA all in Asheville this weekend.