When H is in the country he lives at the marital house with me and the children. After BD in Feb he stubbornly refused to leave - his reasons were b/c he wanted to spend as much time with the children as possible, he didn't want to spend more of our savings and he had no where else to go. However in April and May he has been gone for 3 week business trips and just left again last weekend. When he is home, he now lives in the guest room on the top floor which has 2 twin beds. He acts as if "nothing" has changed - expecting to be integrated into the family routine of laundry and meals. We communicate very little except about schedules and I have no expectations of him, except his agreed child responsibilities. It is rather interesting to see when he comes seeking my attention about things - usually to get an attaboy or a gold-star. He offers me very few opinions and no emotional support. I more/less have to sort out all the problems. When I have big issues/concerns I decide my position first and then ask his opinion knowing he is going to immediately ask my opinion. He won't give me his opinion or thoughts on most things. It is all rather odd. I am sure the children see what is happening; however my oldest daughter has developed a better relationship with her dad over the last month. I had him take her to sports practice which was 1 hour /each way. It gave them car time to talk. They are now communicating on their own. My son loves having dad at home and really enjoys the extra attention. My middle on is going thru a hormone induced anger and grumpiness phase. I may have something to do with dad, but more to do with her impending change. I have acted more/less like a single mom for the past 3 years as H was working away from home most of the time. This time together hasn't really changed the routine too much. I just worry that H is setting the children up for a huge emotional loss/disappointment as he is still talking about moving back to the USA ASAP.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Thank you Beatrice for the added info. I had not yet heard the term "drop ins."
The MLC script similarities are fascinating given the range of strangeness to their childhoods.
Months after BD #2 as H seemed to "see" the kids a bit more and wanted to be present more, he tried to finagle it so that I wouldn't come on family activities. He shows repulsion towards me so they can live with you and still give you the plague treatment.
Now he includes me in these activities but always prefaces it "what do you kids want to do today?" He never asks my opinion on what we should all do. He treats me like a tag-along.
I think about the strangeness of my sitch now and wonder if living through this/witnessing H's behavior will repeat the cycle in my kids' lives.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yes, my sitch is awfully similar. Although my H doesn't come to me seeking attention or gold stars.
Lately he has been talking a bit about his about his father. His father went through MLC-lived with 2nd wife through it and was a horrendous cake eater. I was young and certainly saw the dysfunction but because my H recognized it and abhorred it, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would strike him, too.
Twice in the last few months all on his own my S11 has said to my H. that he seems depressed. H of course denied it. He is very foggy still.
I will read up more on your sitch and post you there.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I like to think we avoid the damage to our children by being stable and loving! Children need one sane parent. Two are great, but maybe not essential. I hope so.
Bea - Amen. That philosophy is what has kept my head straight thru all the craziness.
I do think there may be a family pattern, but I am no expert. Is it a family pattern due to genetics or a lack of emotional awareness which is passed on generation to generation.
In my situation: MIL had a very distant relationship with her father. She is very logical and unemotional. I can see how she did not give H any emotional coping mechanisms - as emotional expression was not encouraged. You can't give to someone else what you can't give to yourself. When MIL was about 48yo (same age H is now), she tried to commit suicide. She went on to some counseling and has sought to find more happiness, but she is NOT warm/loving.#
My kids also thought H was depressed for quite a long time. He is showing more effort with them now, so they think he is coming out of it. In some ways he is, in some ways he isn't.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Interesting Deja that your H is the same age as his mom when she was suicidal. I do think that's there can be an unconscious drive to recreate an old unresolved trauma. My ex's mom was a WAS when he was in his late teens - it was very traumatic and the boys in the family cut off all contact with her (2 of the 3 eventually re-established contact but it was many years later - one still doesn't speak to her and she's in her 70's now).
My ex then did pretty much the same thing when our kids were pretty much the same ages. Amazing that they would do the very thing that caused them so much pain when they themselves were a teen, but it's not uncommon to see here.
My H's father had a brutal MLC. Lots of time in replay. Lots of cake eating.
My H has been talking about his dad more frequently. H still has tremendous anger/disgust toward his dad but I know now that he is going through his own MLC my H understands, deep down, what his father was going through. I imagine it must be scary for him as his father is the last person with whom he would want to identify.
As for my MIL-H's childhood home was rife with dysfunction. Early on he told me he coped by hiding in his closet. Now, when home he stays in downstairs bedroom except at dinner time or to come out for water, etc. When H got old enough he stayed out of his childhood house 24/7-trigger his replay! Same "coping" patterns re-surfacing.
Of course I should have seen the red flags, which begs the question: I assume these individuals with traumatic childhoods and poor coping skills either consciously and/or unconsciously seek out a spouse that ignores the early signs of dysfunction due to her own childhood issues?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho - I am no expert - but in my situation I had a ton of childhood baggage around absent and abusive love. I tolerated his absent love because it felt familiar, like love. I'm still working on resolving these issues as I don't want to fall back in the trap again.
My H is also very P-A which has triggered many of my co-dependency buttons.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
For one reason or another these potentially destructive people get into our lives.
I have spent a good deal of time looking at myself, and what contributed to my marrying someone with these issues. Not the same as blaming ourselves - rather looking deep within. Not always easy!.
