Thank you RG2000 for the prayers, I have been praying NON stop since a few days after the BD. I don't know how else I'd be getting through this. I will pray for you too!
I thought I posted but it disappeared. So I hope this doesn't show up twice.
I am leaving for vacation tomorrow. With my children and H. We are going to his parents house for a few days, then he leaves to go back home and to work on Monday, and I continue on to visit my family. I will be gone for a little over a week without him. I think the break will be good for me, if I can keep my anxiety in check and try not to expect communication from him.
My question: my In laws are overly involved in our marital issues. They put me on the spot and ask me to explain myself- for example, will call me out about an example where I was jealous. Obviously H has been venting to them. I do not want to engage in these conversations with them. I also can NOT involve H in these conversations as the conflict between his parents and me has caused him to feel divided and alienated from them. If I try to speak up for myself, my mother in law usually twists my words (and repeats them to everyone-neighbors, extended family, etc) or she will outright deny that she said or did something and tell everyone that I lied, I am crazy, etc. My question: how can I stand up for myself in a healthy way? Do I just avoid her? Do I just say calmly "I am not having this discussion with you"? My emotions are running high and I do not want to blow it. I have to stay in control for this trip, (and forever I guess, I have to get over it somehow for H's sake.)
I need H to feel like he is "safe" with both me and the inlaws together, because it is a huge issue for him, and tbh, I finally "get it" that he needs for this conflict to stop. It is tearing him up inside. So how do I just not participate in it?
My brother in law (other side of family) says just smile and bend over and then call him and he will tell me how great I am doing. He says don't even defend myself, just tell her she is right, and take it for the family. Do I do that? I guess that would be a major 180. And the truth is I am never going to "win" with them, so I might as well "win" by giving my H a big break from the conflict.
You are dealing with a lot, but the only person you should really be concerned about right now is yourself, try and get some rest, eat right, again this is just my opinion, I would not argue with his family right now just so it doesn't come back to your H and then back to you, I would say that is a 180 to walk and talk as if they are right to his family for the sake of yours, once and if you get your husband back mentally and emotionally, then you 2 can work on working with him about his family. They seem to involved with YOUR marriage, sorry but that my honest opinion. Hang in there and keep praying, with Christ all things are possible!
Thank you RG2000. I am praying nonstop. I really need prayers for this weekend! I am trying to stay positive, and hope that everyone is in vacation "mode" and excited about the beach and other fun activities we have planned, praying that our focus can be on that and not on my faults. I am resting ok these days, thanks to clonopin (spelling?), hoping not to need it forever. Eating ok, its nice to be thin again but this was the worst way to get there!
Oh, also I have 2 friends who live near my inlaws, so I plan on meeting up with them for coffee and conversation in between outings, so that I have a little "escape" time and chance to be "me". Old friends, who knew me before I was a wife and mother, always fun to connect with old friends.
My books are being delivered tomorrow, after I leave for vacation. My neighbor is going to take them for me so H doesn't see them when he gets home on Monday. I am learning from this forum!
Did the MC tell you how you failed the test, in front of your H? If so, he just failed my test. . This is the same person giving your H IC?
I hope for your own sanity you will not put yourself through that torture again. The timing is not right, and this counselor may not be the right counselor.
I really hate to see you spend part of your vacation time with your in-laws. I think I can understand your reasoning behind that decision, however, you will be placing yourself in a much worse torture chamber than what you experienced last night in MC. Even if your H appears to be on board about his family and W coming together and everyone getting along.......his family sees you as the overall problem. Even if your only purpose was to make your H feel better.........his family doesn't think that way. This is a terrible time to subject yourself to their horrible treatment toward you. You will be much more vulnerable by being away from your home and staying in their home. And so will your H. He is too easily influenced by his parents, at this time especially. You need time to get emotionally stronger, and your H needs time to find his right mind. The two of you might as well throw yourselves at the lions. Only difference, they won't attack him b/c he will become another lion in the den. You will be at their mercy, and without the support of your H. Do you really want to face that right now?
Your intentions may come from deep love for your H, or maybe from desperation. But his parents do not share your feelings. I know you have no reason to trust me, b/c I am a faceless stranger. Please take some time to reconsider, and remember how your H has been so quick to change teams. Please do not sacrifice yourself, believing you are doing this for his sake.....or the sake of the M.......when you are the one the lions want to attack. It is a disaster waiting to happen. I am really concerned about this decision.
((hugs)).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, crap, I was feeling so empowered, feeling good about just faking it, then I realized I have 3 children and if it comes down to it I have to stand up for them. My inlaws are notorious about safety, and love to tease until someone cries, love to offer things like trips and other offers that can't always happen without checking with me or H (like they want my daughter to stay all summer but she just got out of a 9 week hospitalization program and needs follow up appointments and medication management, etc, can't just put that off if I expect her to continue to improve.) If I stand up for my kids it never goes well, but I will make it non-emotional and matter-of-fact and not involve H. I can fake it when it is about me, but gotta watch out for my kids.
Sounds like it will be a rough few days. What you really need are some responses to give them.
One is that you need your H to be able to turn to them without you interfering, and you telling your side of things would interfere.
Second is that this is a very, very difficult and touchy time in your marriage. For your family's sake you are trying to do and say nothing that would inflame the situation. Ask that they respect that for right now, you wish to not discuss the M. If the insist, stand up to them and tell them you will be glad to discuss anything (the grandkids, the weather, women's world cup soccer) but not the marriage. If they still push, tell them that you have told them that you will not talk about it, and if they persist, you will leave the room. You'd prefer not to, as you respect and enjoy (a little honey to soothe) their company, but you need to do what's best for your family right now, and this is what you believe is best for all of you.
Another tack you could take if you don't like the above (but you should choose one and stick to it, otherwise you'll send the signal that you are not firm in your boundaries and might give under pressure) is to say something like the following. "Our marriage is obviously in trouble, the both of you have made mistakes that have contributed to it, that you stand ready to work on the marriage when their son is ready, and that discussing the marriage, especially as it will be relayed between a third party, before he is ready to really work would only make matters worse in your opinion." Ask them to respect your wishes, then go to the last couple sentences about walking out if they don't.
If things get really bad, be prepared to get out with the kids to a hotel or one of those friends. You should not have to be subjected to their interference and intrusion, and you can't win in this situation. All you can do is minimize the damage by being firm and protect yourself emotionally.
Good luck. I hope others can help fine tune or offer alternatives.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
. This is the same person giving your H IC?