The end is near

[asitis]

Good. I raised the issue with my IC this afternoon, since my A is coming up shortly. She agreed: say nothing. And went on to agree that I shouldn't be rude if she contacts me, she stressed she doesn't want you as her H right now and she needs to face the consequences and I should feel no obligation to be consoling for her feeling bad on that day. Letting her deal with her own feelings is respecting what she says she wants.

Good luck with making it through the emotions that come up that day!

[Upnorth]

Had a great weekend fishing with S and a friend of mine. Weather was great, fishing was great! Anniversary came and went without contact. S went with my brother today to camp and fish a couple of days. We will head back to the cabin Thursday for the fourth!
W texted me again today, wondering why is was giving up on her. I replied that she seemed to have already made up her mind and there wasn't anything I could do to change that.
She replied that I seemed to have changed right away but things were back to how they were again.
I'm not sure how she would know what I'm like now, she hasn't been around. She says I'm making her feel horrible.
She is coming out this evening for a face to face. I don't know what to say? How to act?

[NDY]

Had a great weekend fishing with S and a friend of mine. Weather was great, fishing was great! Anniversary came and went without contact. S went with my brother today to camp and fish a couple of days. We will head back to the cabin Thursday for the fourth!
W texted me again today, wondering why is was giving up on her. I replied that she seemed to have already made up her mind and there wasn't anything I could do to change that.
She replied that I seemed to have changed right away but things were back to how they were again.
I'm not sure how she would know what I'm like now, she hasn't been around. She says I'm making her feel horrible.
She is coming out this evening for a face to face. I don't know what to say? How to act?

As they say STFU, listen and validate. Read the validation cheat sheet Wonka wrote. It's a sticky at the top of the forums.

[Upnorth]

Thanks, I'll re read that one. Seems like any change at this point will be good. If things get better then great! If they get worse at leAt maybe I can get on with things.
It seems to me she is feeling left out. She was asking a bunch of questions about the 4th, I didn't give her any details and that is when she kind of blew up.

I don't know, maybe I have been a little cold??

[asitis]

Sounds like your changes have changed the pursuer-distancer dynamic. Definitely second reviewing the validation cheat sheet before your meeting a couple times.

To her comment on you giving up, I would have an "I'm sorry you feel that way, I know how horrible that feels" statement. Validates, and she might figure out that last part and recognize that her statement is full of irony she didn't recognize.

There is nothing wrong at some point of saying that you have not closed the door on the M, and if she decides she wants to invest herself in dealing with the R, you will work to see if the M can be saved. Then maybe something like "in the meantime I need to take care of myself and I'm going to use this time you want away from me to reconnect with me."

You do not have to explain yourself or justify yourself in anyway, as you are doing nothing wrong. You are not asking her to explain her doings out of respect for her space, and you expect reciprocation, and that if you will tell her in advance if you have made any decisions with regard to your R and your vows. That is the most I'd throw her (& others might disagree).

Remember that her words are all just that. Her actions over time are what you are looking for. She has not (at least as I have remembered your thread so far) moved her stuff out as she said she was. She is contacting you and she is off balance by your changes. Look for continued changes in her behavior. That doesn't mean you don't listen to her words, validate, and consider them. They will have some clues for you, just don't let them trigger you into reaction and don't try to spend too much time figuring out what they mean.

One thing my DB coach reminded me is that after your W (esp. if she thinks you don't really listen and respect her views enough) tells you something, it is very good to later (next time you talk or even a couple days later) to tell her you've been thinking about what she said on X and validate (e.g., I can better see why you feel that way). It shows that you really are listening and considering and respect what she tells you as important. Of course it comes across as disingenuous if you haven't actually thought about it, but you are obsessively thinking about at least some of what she is saying, so that shouldn't be a problem.

If she has told you something in your last conversation that has you thinking, you might consider throwing that out at the beginning. It will set the tone that you are listening and she may approach you differently. Of course, you'll get another opportunity in the days following your upcoming talk.

Good luck, keep your calm, remember you can't believe anything she says as being "the truth" or why she is saying it, and you'll avoid any traps.

Things seem to be going better for you and you maybe seeing some results of your work.

[Upnorth]

Thanks, I can see that I have not been doing a very good job at validating.

[Upnorth]

I think I got the GAL and detatching down, the validation is where I have really been lacking.

[Upnorth]

I need to do a once over on the house, looks like a bomb went off! Keep calm dummy!

[asitis]

Validating doesn't come naturally to many of us, and it is a skill that takes time, practice, and vigilance to develop. Start small, and if you haven't been very validating, she will almost certainly notice the change. You don't have to go from zero to sixty, or even 5 to 40. If you were putzing along at 5 mph & all of a sudden you zip up to 20, your passengers will notice the change.

[Upnorth]

Here's the killer for me, "I want space" but then When space Is given I've lost hope or I don't care.