Should I just let it die out I really want to ask what he sees for the future. Thoughts on this? Would it be too much pressure sometimes I get sick of the kid gloves approach.
Oh I forgot to add that yesterday H was at my house and I had started packing for S and my trip on Friday.
H said today "I noticed you are already packing for your trip in 20 years you never did that you always waited until the last minute and now you start the year I don't go." I said I it was my staging area and I am not quite packed yet.
I said (and this was where I should have shut it down) where do you think we are at in this and he said "we have good days and bad days.
Thoughts and opinions?
I think this applies here
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf
got it. H makes comments and it drags me in. Like he wss talking about making a hot tub a couple of weeks ago for our yard (yes he doesn't live there wtheck) so today I asked him if he was going to make it and he said we both know that really isn't going to happen. So why did you say it then was what I was thinking. So that led to what do you mean by that? and that was where we got to with the future because H talks about future and then retracts.
I know that is what MLC is and I let myself get suckered. thanks for the reminder and back to reality.
What is with H getting all mad because S and I are gong away for vacation over the 4th and leaving him as he says "with nothing"? He said we should go last year. He doesn't make plans with us. Did he mean maybe that he wouldn't see S over the 4th?
I am confused by this and H said today "I noticed you are already packing for your trip in 20 years you never did that you always waited until the last minute and now you start the year I don't go." I said I it was my staging area and I am not quite packed yet.
And what does he mean by good days and bad days? We don't even see each other very much and when we do we don't fight. If he is in a mood he comes with it and I don't say anything. I didn't ask its like he is speaking in code and will not elaborate on anything.
I know it is his problem but when he says it out loud to me it makes me question it. So probably just validate but I disagree. He is making his own bad days.
I am just catching up on your sitch. I'm not an expert, however, reading your thread made me want to chime in.
My best advice is that if you try to analyze and decipher every word, phrase or action of your h, you will literally feel insane. Put head in freezer, slam door, and repeat. Stop for your own benefit.
Who knows what he means? Try not to read too much into it. My xh used to talk about the future and "we" frequently as well and you just can't allow yourself to get wrapped up in that. In regards to the packing early, you could have just smiled, shrugged, and said "S and I are excited and just wanted to get it done" or something of the sort. You don't really owe your h an explanation and it is possible he will find fault in EVERYTHING. My xh too would say we were going to have fun without him. Then he would say he had been "traumatized" by every vacation or trip we took. You rationalize with the irrational.
Detach. Seriously. Focus on you and S. I know it's difficult although GAL is a great thing. Have a little fun. Let your h revel in his pity party.
Hang in there.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgia is correct...you can sit there and analyze every word or action...but there will be no rhyme or reason for what they say and why they say it. They think out loud in many instances. So what if you are packing early. You both are excited and want to get a way for a bit. Nothing says that you have to continue w/old habits all of the time.
Continue to detach and keep the focus on you and your son and your upcoming trip. Leave the man/child at home sulking.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for all the good advice. I feel better already. You are right. H is just on a roll today.
He borrowed shop vac and I say oh you taking the vac and the response back was fine I will bring YOUR shop vac back. Just make a list of stuff I can use. Nevermind I won't use anything.
I replied I am sorry you feel that way that was never my intention.
I feel you are way to much in H's head, what is he doing, thinking, the coffee shop thing, the hot tub deal ... does any of this really matter? Nope .... he is in crisis and there is no making sense out of it, you are trying to take the cooked spaghetti and make it all straight to make sense of it and it just does not work that way.
Another thing, asking him if he is going to build the hot tub .. that add pressure ... plus it was nothing more than a temp check by you hoping he says yes so you can feel warm and fuzzy that he may come home soon ... he needs to get through this on his own, in the mean time you need to detach ... you will go nuts as GB put it if you don't
