I'm sorry that you've had some downers, but at least you got the frustration out of your system even if you have to patch the wall.
One of the hardest things to learn is not to have expectations. You are expecting him to be the man he once was. He's not that man at the moment, hence, the no contact at all. This is very typical of them and I certainly wouldn't mention it to him when he arrives home. Just go about your business and listen very closely to what he has to say, if he even talks to you.
I do hope that your 4th is better this evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Even with lots of GAL all week, the past two days I have really struggled. I have been missing my H like crazy, so lots of tears and meltdown last night. Ok, part of that was because I had a pie catastrophe---major baking fail, which never happens. I threw something because I was so hurt, angry, and frustrated so now I need to do some patch work on wall before H returns from trip. Really upset at myself for not controlling my emotions better. I guess it is because of the holiday and so many around celebrating with family. I know he is actually working today, but trying to understand how my H can continue to ignore me as if we were never married and together for 14 years. So unbelievably hurtful. No texts, no calls, no nothing. I am sure he has time to text and call OW. This is really not the life I deserve or want for myself, but I have to preserver. Need the tears to stop...I am a mess right now. Ok, on to the good....
I did run a 5K by myself this morning. My friend twisted her ankle hiking, do she had to bail. Proud I still went on my own. I think my time was around 33 mins, so not to bad considering how warm it was at 8am. Relaxed a bit on the patio. Heading to friends BBQ and fireworks later. The day will get better.
Happy 4th of July!!
Oh, BW. I understand so much. When things go wrong, I want to throw things too. Sometimes a good tantrum just feels like the only way. I get it, and it's OK. I feel the same hurt every day. Just pick yourself up and come back stronger. You got this.
Job- Yes, you are correct. I still have expectations that my H act like we are still M or even that I exist. I know I need to change this expectatio, but it is hard as I still see us as M. I don't plan on mentioning any of this to H.
Matt- Yes, it did feel good to have a release, though I need to find an outlet that does not create extra work. Unfortunately, punching a pillow is not quite as affective for me. -------------------------------- Yesterday was a much better day than Friday and Saturday. I think holidays are hard on me since I have no family here other that H and inlaws. Yes, I have friends, but it is not quite the same. I spend the day patching drywall and did a pretty darn good job. I went for walk and did some cleaning around the house. It is interesting was you can find without looking. Found some single packets tea in one of the kitchen cupboards I cleaned out that I am pretty sure was there for OW. I threw it out. Other than that I watched the WC and took a nap. It was overall a pretty decent day.
SIL posted pics from wedding on FB. Hardly recognize H in photos. He looks gaunt, angry, unhappy, and vacant. He does not look anything like the H prior to DB.
Other interesting FB happening. One of my H's FB friends who I do not know like the FB generated wedding anniversary update and my personal post to H from back in October of last year. Seemed a bit ironic considering what is going on and that this is not current. H would have received notification of this yesterday as well. I am sure he was less than thrilled with the reminder.
I did speak with my mom last night. We have been chatting more since I told her what is going on. I think her feelings are hurt that H never called to say thank you for bday present. Just very out of character for H has he would always call. I told her to not take it personal as H is not himself right now. She has started to remember some odd stuff my H said to her at Christmas. He asked her if she thought my dad was happy. He also mentioned that his mom had talked to him about how the family name is dying out--basically he was last hope of carrying on the family name/when are you having kids. So clearly, he was thinking about some stuff ten, but never mentioned either to me.
My parents have a very different M than his parents. They bicker and argue a lot, including in front of others. They also own a business together which of course adds a lot of additional pressure to M. H said his parents never seemed to fight or argue even growing up. My dad does seem unhappy much of the time, but he has always been that way. Again, my H equates happiness too M and not something you create within. Yes, of course your M is going to influence it, but it is not fair to expect your spouse to be responsible for your complete happiness. Anyway, it seems he clearly had some stuff on his mind when we where at my parents house.
Anyway, need to work on some things for this week. Will continue to read Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem. Hope to get to the corresponding workbook by the weekend. Certainly see aspects of this in both myself and H. We both have stuff to work on in this area if we want to have a healthy relationship together. I am thankful to have this time to start working on my issues. H will need to hit rock bottom and end A before he gets there. Anyway, this is my personal focus for the next few weeks/ months as it really is the root of many of my behavioral issues.
As far as GAL, will continue to workout, have Meetup on Friday, and art class on Saturday. I am sure I will add in some other stuff as the week progresses.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I need some help with obsessing with A and OW. It is driving me crazy that I don't know who this person is. I think I am hoping to find out that this person is married so that she seems so that she seems like less of a threat. I also have this desire to catch them red handed so my H can no longer deny what is really going on and that it die out faster. So much so that I am contemplating fudging when I am coming home from next work trip. Am I crazy for thinking this way?? I am just having a really hard time focusing on A, especially since the OW has been brought into my home.
Also, any thoughts on having H in home versus telling him he needs to leave until he is ready to end A and work on M?
I really am focusing on myself for the most part and detaching from H. It is the A I am having a hard time dropping and detaching from. I know this OW holds nothing over me and is just medication for H. But if it she is more than medication? I guess I think if she were not in the picture, my H would try to engage more and try to work on himself and M.
Someone, please set me straight!
Last edited by BW05; 07/07/1504:41 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
First, put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it very hard! It works and trust me, you won't be thinking about the affair or the ow.
Let me ask you this...how do you think a married woman having an affair w/your h would be less a threat? There are so many on this forum you have had spouses get involved w/other married people. Whether that affair partner is single, married or was in a relationship prior to the hook up...they are considered threats because they've become involved w/our spouses. They are just as responsible as our spouses are for getting involved in the affairs, be it emotional and/or physical.
Affairs will die a slow death and it's best to allow them to do so on their own. The more we ask questions and/or confront our spouses, the more we push them together.
Just like drugs, alcohol and gambling, the affair and partner are like an addiction. They get a high off of being a secret and yes, you not knowing, or so they think. If this woman wasn't in the picture, it would be someone else. I want you to know that she's really nothing more than a drug of choice right now and no, she's not like you at all. Many of them tend to "affair down". You are the prize and do not ever forget that.
My advice, go on your trip, focus on your work and if you happen to wrap up early, then come home.
Now, snap that rubber band! Please stop giving this woman head space because she's not paying rent.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I forgot I could use my rubberband for the A/OW. I guess I was thinking if the OW was married her H could put pressure on her if he found out and it might die a faster death. But you are right, H would just look for medication elsewhere.
I know I have read on here that people say to expect time wise for it to take approximately one month for every year of marriage. Is that just the time typically the for spouse to be willing to R? Regardless, have a ways to go. PATIENCE.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Snap that band! Keep in mind, if the ow is married and her h says anything to her about the affair, she will do the same thing and protect your h. They are out to protect each other from the big bad wolves of the world and will do anything to support each other.
The saying you are referring to has been around for a very long time and it applies to some, but not all. Regardless of the saying, the affair must die a slow and natural death. I, personally, do not put much stock into the saying because I've seen so many, not just here by in the real world that the "monthly time limit" doesn't match up w/for every year of the marriage. Some affairs are shorter than others. It depends on the people involved, their issues and the addictions that need the fix, so to speak. Regardless...it takes a lot of time and patience.
Dig deeper for patience and try to keep the focus on you and your life. When you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed to you (yes, it does work). PATIENCE!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H just sent short, cold text asking about my parents coming to visit and stating I never got back to him. No hello, how are things, or any other pleasantries. First initiated text in week and a half he has been on trip. I am just going to ignore it until sometime tomorrow as it is not urgent. He is away for another week and a half anyway and not finalized. Told him I would let him know when it was confirmed.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
LOL!! I am done with destruction like that. Too much extra work. I will take things out to garage and break them on concrete floor instead. Am actually feeling strong today.
Make him wait for once and see how he likes it.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Am actually feeling strong today.