It used to be I only slept well at my own house. The past couple of months, I am lucky to get four hours of sleep there. Slept really well here at mom's, in spite of the less comfortable bed and less than ideal climate - it's just so peaceful here, nothing toxic. Operating on such a sleep deficit helped too, I'm sure...
W sent a text early this morning, but it was in response to a request I'd made, she didn't seem too concerned with where I am. She probably guessed I'm at my mom's anyway, not really anyplace else I'd be. She might start to wonder once I'm gone for a second and third night when I'm coming back, but I suspect she will refrain from seeming too interested. I think the OW is coaching her on how to deal with me...
I shouldn't let this bother me, but she changed her profile picture on Facebook from one I'd taken last fall to one clearly taken somewhere with the OW, and painted those rainbow colors over it to indicate her support of the SCOTUS gay marriage ruling yesterday. That feels like a slap in the face, considering what she's done/doing to our marriage.
I also thought about this... my W saw clearly how sad I was yesterday to move the boys out. If she cared about me as the friend she claims to, I imagine she would have made sure I had plans for the night, and if not, she would have offered to be there for me, to support me through what promised to be a long and lonely night if I didn't have plans. Because before all this mess happened, we would have surely been together, I would have surely found myself in her arms on the couch, and she would have comforted me. But she didn't ask, didn't make sure of anything. She just went on her way and did her own thing. Completely in character with the WW profile, I know, but not at all the woman who would have been there for me - or for any of her friends in a similar situation - before this mess.
Anyway, as Cali said, I just need to put her in God's hands now. Today is the last day of the novena we all are praying for her. So it will be a good day to say that prayer, give her to God, and just focus on taking care of myself while trying not to think of her. We'll see how well I do.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I shouldn't let this bother me, but she changed her profile picture on Facebook from one I'd taken last fall to one clearly taken somewhere with the OW, and painted those rainbow colors over it to indicate her support of the SCOTUS gay marriage ruling yesterday. That feels like a slap in the face, considering what she's done/doing to our marriage.
----------- I actually thought about the SCOTUS ruling in relation to my M as well. Mine was from the perspective that my H and I always had the right to be married. Here my H is taking our M for-granted and just tossing it aside, while others has to fight so fare for the same opportunity. But akso made at myself for not nurturing my right as well for helping get us to the point that my H felt it was worth throwing away. -------------- I also thought about this... my W saw clearly how sad I was yesterday to move the boys out. If she cared about me as the friend she claims to, I imagine she would have made sure I had plans for the night, and if not, she would have offered to be there for me, to support me through what promised to be a long and lonely night if I didn't have plans. Because before all this mess happened, we would have surely been together, I would have surely found myself in her arms on the couch, and she would have comforted me. But she didn't ask, didn't make sure of anything. She just went on her way and did her own thing. Completely in character with the WW profile, I know, but not at all the woman who would have been there for me - or for any of her friends in a similar situation - before this mess. ----------------------- I would try and not take this too personally, but I know it is hard though. She is in her fog and cannot see or think clearly. What woukd have been so clear before, does not even register right now. My H lost interest in things that I am quite shocked and saddened by. He has does not show any empathy or compassion, which is not my H. Just the other day I had a heart felt talk with H. He actually showed compassion for the first time in about two months. It was short lived though, because he only to turn around the next day and lie straight to my face again. There is one word that sums up my H right now----irrational.
Another example is our dog. We are the type that treat their dogs as if they are our children. He and that dog were inseparable prior to his A. Best buds. Now he does not give our dog the time of day, no affection, no walks, etc. If you would have ever have told me that would be the case, I would have bet money against it.
I know it does not make it any easier, but they truly are not in their right mind right now.
Last edited by BW05; 06/27/1502:16 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
With that in mind, what's on tap for the weekend away?
Well Matt, not much, but I say that in a good way. I enjoyed a nice thunderstorm sort of night on the porch with my mom, drinking wine and talking about all kinds of things. We'll probably do that each night I'm here, maybe a friend of mine will join us for one of them. I'm still in my pajamas right now, drinking coffee and catching up on the news. If I were doing this at home, it would feel bad. But here, it feels good. Amazing how a change of scenery like this can make all the difference.
My siblings and their kids all live around here, too, so I'll probably wander over to their houses at some point and get hugs from babies and little ones. Go to church. Going to listen to an online course I've been meaning to get around to and make some progress there. Easy stuff away from the madness. I think it will all do me good. It's very peaceful here.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I know it does not make it any easier, but they truly are not in their right mind right now.
It doesn't make it easier, BM, but it is one thing that keeps me going on the DB path. If she were in her right mind doing all this, I'd have no choice but to walk away completely.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It doesn't make it easier, BM, but it is one thing that keeps me going on the DB path. If she were in her right mind doing all this, I'd have no choice but to walk away completely.
Not at all, nothing about this is easy but we do what we can. I think we all fight on this part, what is their right mind or not. To them right now it is, so we have to at least respect that. Maybe in the future they will realize they weren't thinking clearly, but we cant control that now.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I know lots of folks here ask Wonka to help with their texts, and she is indeed masterful. But I took a chance and did a little texting on my own today!
Been at my mom's here since yesterday afternoon, didn't tell the W where I was going. I imagine she got home very late last night as usual, didn't see me there, but went to bed and figured I must have been out VERY late myself.
This morning, she probably got up as early as she usually does (5:30 or so), saw I wasn't there, and waited as long as she could stand to send me her first text at 8:30... which was just about a piece of land I wanted information about. A few texts back and forth, nothing important. Then around 1:30pm she called. I did not answer. But it's really not like either one of us not to answer or respond, so I texted an hour later, "Sorry I missed your call. You need me?"
"With clients right now, will call back in a bit. Thx."
She never did call back, but texted the following:
"Can we do shopping a bit early tomorrow? I got showings ALL day. Things are getting really hectic but I love it. hope ur day is going well."
Now... I had asked her on Friday if she could carve out time this weekend to go shopping for the boys' new apartment (groceries, mostly). She suggested Sunday morning, but I never told her I wanted HER to go shopping without me. She just loves shopping with me, for some reason. So I stayed quiet till this text, and wrote back,
ME "Oh. I didn't mean for US to go shopping. I'm busy. But I was hoping you could at least get them enough stuff to get by the first few days. So whatever time works for you. The boys are sending a list and can shop, too. I appreciate your doing this for them. Glad you have showings all day, good job. Hope offers come from them soon."
W "Me too. They will. S sent me another buyer and I showed properties to him all day. Nice guy."
ME: " "
How'd I do? At the risk of overanalyzing a crazy woman, I can tell from the texts and the wanting to have a phone call that she REALLY wants to know where I am, if I'm staying another night, etc. She's trying to figure this out without outright asking. Glad we wound up texting instead of talking. Gave me more time to compose my response.
Also, going shopping with and for the boys without me tomorrow will add another dimension of, hey... look what you're doing to your family. Puts more responsibility on her, which is good, I'd say.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Sure am having another tough day here. Glad to be at Mom's, was glad to visit with my brother, wife, and my little niece. But it's all so bittersweet... to see their loving and intact family, and so many years of growing and love ahead of them. I long for that, and it's crazy... I had such a loving and intact family so recently.
I really wasn't expecting the boys' departure to hit me so hard. But it occurred to me that they have been my first line of support through all of this mess. I know they are glad to be away from all the tension, but for me, it's beyond hard. When I go home this week, it will be to an empty house, except for when the W is there working or sleeping, which is mostly worse than empty these days, of course.
And now, the work will begin on our going separate ways from that home. I still have no idea where I'm going to go. I just know I'm going to be alone... so suddenly, and for who knows how long.
I just feel like the future is so gray and dismal today. Any kind of happiness for me is completely out of reach, it seems. It's almost too much to bear. I have passion for nothing... nothing I want to do, or care about. Glad I'm far away from the W so she can't sense my despair today. I hope I am able to get things in check before she sees me at lunch tomorrow.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
My heart goes out to you Dif, keep breathing. Today may feel grey, passionless, and with no possible light at the end of it, but tomorrow is a brand new day. Even if tomorrow feels the same, they all won't.
You're in the valley right now, especially feeling the separation from your boys. It's only natural, and would be worrisome if you felt otherwise. As is said on here often, lean into it. Lean into the pain and and let it guide you. It's a sign that you love deeply and that should be celebrated even if the thought of doing so is nearly impossible.
Like Heavy, I'm glad your Mom is there to lend you some support. We're here for the same.
Big hug, I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
hope ur day is going well."