Matt says a lot on here though, "this changes nothing". I try to take that attitude when things feel like they're not going my way. W stops using my name in emails - this changes nothing. W takes three days to respond as opposed to one - this changes nothing.
You W contact an L - this changes nothing.
I agree with Cali, she may need to take this as far as she can before she sees the light.
Stay strong, keep praying, and keep being a great parent.
PP
I'd love to take credit for this, but I learned everything I know from the wise posters before me.
In any case, PP is right. The way I see it, there's the legal battle going on, but that doesn't really matter compared to the actual push and pull between your W and you. That stuff is going to go on, but separated/divorced/whatever - those are just societal labels on the "status" of your relationship. Do you really feel MARRIED right now? So what difference does your tax filing status make?
What's IMPORTANT is the relationship and interaction between you and your W. It seems like you may be starting to make tiny baby steps forward. THATS WHAT MATTERS. The rest is just noise.
Baby steps forward - lol - I don't see that but then I dont know anything these days.
There is nothing else I can do, but do as Wonka said, step aside and let the L's do their thing. I will be as dignified and mature as possible. I did speak to W for a little but this afternoon and we ironed out a few details. The less my lawyer does, the less I have to shell out.
I did find out my w is using a limited scope lawyer which is a step above not having one. He will not represent her in court if it goes that far so the part about not being able to pay for an attorney is probably true.
It is true that you can't make someone love you or want to be with you. Sometimes people fall out of love and change their course in mid stream. People are illogical and unpredictable. I guess that's what makes us so unique, our human nature, our flaws, our imperfections, and the Grace that God gives us.
I talked to my kids on FT tonight and it was great to see them.
W talked to me through kids and answered some of the questions I was asking them. I guess I will never understand this. I don't know, maybe this is the best way, just be kind, act like it's no big deal and move on. To me, the betrayal, the lies, the affair, all of it was just so painful. Maybe the D will bring some peace back into my life. That would be welcome. No more limbo, no more guessing games, just the final curtain.
As everyone says here - actions speak louder than words and her actions speak volumes. At least she has been consistent since BD - right?
So my next burning question is ...... should I send w a post card from vacation? I am planning on taking two weeks with the kids to the islands. Do I mail a spouse who is divorcing me a post card?
Gad. I have no idea about divorce etiquette. I have said all along I don't want to be friends. I think realistically I will regret that - but it is what it is.
I always feel that if I don't do everything "right" or "correct" in her book I will get punished for it. For example, if I don't send a post card, she will be even more hateful during the divorce proceedings. See what I mean?
So she sends me postcards, directions to camp, nice gestures but is having an affair and is DIVORCING me. She is hung up on social etiquette but not at all about other behaviors (cheating, lying, etc...)
A part of me things, if I do nice things/gestures back, then she will stop the affair, come back to marriage and family and all will be rosy. That is crazy thinking I know but it swirls round in my noggin.
I know the board will say - Go ahead - take the high road, what does it hurt. But I want to FORGET ABOUT HER and all of this misery. If I am sending her post cards and thinking about how this will affect her or not is NOT DETACHED. Right? I so want to be detached.
So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. *&^^*&%
I need to start believing in myself more - I can do this...
I will focus on work and try to keep my mind occupied.
We meet for S9 presentation this afternoon. I will be cordial, polite and STFU. I will get the kids for the week today.
I don't know whose life I am living anymore. It certinly is not my life. I never ever ever thought I would be in this situation. I truly thought "other people" had these problems. No I know I am no different than anyone else. I guess that is a huge dose of humble pie to eat.
I am struggling to reconcile the last 20 years of my life and to define what was real or what was imaginary. I realize now that it was mostly a figmet of my dreams or imagination. I worked so very hard to get to where I am and to have the love and respect of my family. I am lost without them but will carry on.
Sorry for the downer post but Eyeore has escaped from his can and is now running amuck.
Thank you DB board for all of your sage advice, compassion and words of cheer. Much love to you all.
I will focus on work and try to keep my mind occupied.
We meet for S9 presentation this afternoon. I will be cordial, polite and STFU. I will get the kids for the week today.
I don't know whose life I am living anymore. It certinly is not my life. I never ever ever thought I would be in this situation. I truly thought "other people" had these problems. No I know I am no different than anyone else. I guess that is a huge dose of humble pie to eat.
I am struggling to reconcile the last 20 years of my life and to define what was real or what was imaginary. I realize now that it was mostly a figmet of my dreams or imagination. I worked so very hard to get to where I am and to have the love and respect of my family. I am lost without them but will carry on.
Sorry for the downer post but Eyeore has escaped from his can and is now running amuck.
Thank you DB board for all of your sage advice, compassion and words of cheer. Much love to you all.
Just letting you know you aren't alone. Feeling the same today. Be strong this afternoon. Then you have a week to experience the joy of family.
None of us can believe that we're where we're at. I've probably uttered that same sentence 100 times since BD, "I can't believe this is happening." Even this morning when lying in bed I shook my head and said to myself, "This is completely insane."
I think following DB makes us feel even more crazy (even though I'm an advocate), since it involves not shutting down. If you hold space while everything around you goes insane it feels like your life is insane too. That's why everyone I know who's also getting a D is out getting drunk, screwing everything in site, and not using any of the pain as a motivator to better themselves.
A good buddy of mine just had his gf leave him. I asked him what reasons she gave him for leaving and he said, "they're irrelevant, she just doesn't know what she wants."
She knows exactly what she wants, someone that's not controlling, dominant, and is open to change!
All of the reconciling in the world isn't going to prove what was real and what was imaginary. Maybe it was all real, and maybe it was all imaginary. Either way you lived it, experienced it and it got you to where you are today - which is real.
Stay present Heavy, today is one more day on your journey. Live it to the fullest.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I always feel that if I don't do everything "right" or "correct" in her book I will get punished for it. For example, if I don't send a post card, she will be even more hateful during the divorce proceedings. See what I mean?
A part of me things, if I do nice things/gestures back, then she will stop the affair, come back to marriage and family and all will be rosy. That is crazy thinking I know but it swirls round in my noggin.
Those comments just stuck out at me because they are very "Nice Guy" type thoughts. Maybe that book is something you should look into also. You have to get away from that type of thinking. Yes, doing certain things might influence her one way or another but those things wont make her come back, she has to choose that on her own. Nothing you do will MAKE her come back, that's out of your control. You could do every single DB'ing thing correct and it doesn't guarantee anything, it just helps slightly.
I think the card sounds fine, just have the kids pick it out and sign it. Don't overthink it too much.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I am struggling to reconcile the last 20 years of my life and to define what was real or what was imaginary. I realize now that it was mostly a figmet of my dreams or imagination.
Sorry for the downer post but Eyeore has escaped from his can and is now running amuck.
Stop. Your're letting what your W is doing control your thoughts and feelings, this isn't about you remember. What you had the last 20 years was real and nothing W does right now will change that. It only changes if you let it, don't.
I'm sorry Eeyore is hitting you so hard right now, I've had those days recently also. GAL, get up and do something if you cant stop thinking about it. Tell yourself you are going to be happy and make yourself happy!
You can do this HD, praying for you also.
Last edited by Fogg; 06/26/1502:16 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
