Feeling beat down

[Bela]

I'm not sure how this works, but after reading some of the posts and books then watching the vidoes by Michelle i'm hoping something/someone can help me through this.

So here's my story..I've been with my H for 12yrs now we currently have 2 kids in the home son 11 and daughter 16. About 5-6 yrs ago my sil accused me of having an affair and went through months of hell of questions by H and i repeatedly would go through giving him answers and being called a liar because sil said differently.I did make it look bad when the one day I picked up this friend and to give him a ride somewhere and I lied to my H about being with him. I take full responsibility for that. We finally got past this or so I thought.
Fast forward to now. We had been trying to spend time together without the kids and talking more. We go to breakfast once a month with is mom and grandpa, no kids.

We just spent the weekend with a few friends in July and had a great time together. Then the week before labor day we went for a 10min ride and I had asked if he was okay cuz he had been distant all week. that was when he decided he wanted out. His reasoning was he never got over the A. He just pushed it down and was trying to make it work for the kids. The following night it was he was tired of busting his tale and having nothing to show for it. He always makes sure the house ppymt is covered and he has nothing in the bank for what he does. I never had an A and I don't know how to get past something I've never done.

he was still sleeping in our bed but no physical contact.I later discovered he was talking with another woman ( friend from before me). Long story short she was also a friend of my family and so my family went to her ( without my knowledge) and told her he was married and to back off. She did, she blocked him from all commuinication. I caught the brunt of it because she won't talk to him, even though I had no knowledge or say in what had happened. After that he then began sleeping on the couch, where is still is. I still make his coffee every morning, pack his lunch and lay his clothes out. He seldom will speak to me let a lone with anything other than hate in his tone when he does. I have stopped trying to talk and just have backed off. I took the db advice about not snooping or texting him. I thought for split second this week that things might be repairable. the reason being was in October he didn't help pay any of the bills. It was shared with me by my mil that on labor day he went to her and asked if he could move in for a few months. He hasn't moved and was spending money like water last month. I went to him and asked him if he could make the house pymt because I couldn't and that I was looking for a second job but for now could he help. He said he would cover it. We even had a good weekend, there was decent conversation by him and friendly so i am thankful for this. i thought maybe just maybe he was going to soften his heart a little and be nice. I was wrong. this morning I went to fold his blanket on the couch and was very nastily told to leave his [censored] a lone. I couldn't take it so i of course addressed the way he was talking to me and how he focuses on only negatives about me. I asked if he forgot the positives to me also. he replied is that is what it has come to.the hardest part is he has never been one to show emotion or say sorry if he was to be wrong. he isn't a physical person either, no hugs/kisses. I dont' know how to deal with someone who is just always so cold. I just left and went to work.

i try hard to follow the db advice about not letting him know how much he is hurting me and staying up beat and positive in front of him but he doesn't care. All I could do was cry on my ride. I don't want him to leave but I'm just so hurt and lost. I'm living with a man that I'm trying to make these changes if you will to try and save this and he hates me. he can only focus on how much he doesn't want to be with me and treats me as such.

Any advice is welcome

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself here.

Have you read the books yet?

[CaliGuy]

You will hear it anyways .. might as well start now

Detach ... GaL .... PMA ... start some 180's Focus on what YOU can do. Keep us updated there are alot of good people here who have amazing advice. Chin up, and get ready to work.

[Jefe]

Okabe,
Welcome to the boards. Glad you found us, sorry you need us.

MrBond is the guy to listen to, for sure.

Some suggestions for you:

1)Find Sandi's 37 rules and read them daily at first and as often as you think you need to.
2)Change your signature line like ours so it reflects your current situation.
3)You are on moderation so it will take some time for each post you make to show up, so don't get impatient with the replies. They'll come, just hang in there. Post in smaller more frequent posts until you get off mod.

[Bela]

I don't know what my situation is other than still living together and not speaking anymore. I updated the best I could. I did read one of the books but have many many more to go. Thank you for the advice.

I now have anxiety not knowing if he is going to still be there when i get home or am I going to find an empty house. How do you get past that?

[Bela]

This weekend has been interesting to say the least. he is talking to me but with sarcasm and hate in his voice. It is still conversation i guess.

[Bela]

I keep reading Sandi's 37 rules. I work very diligently at following them. I don't know if it is helping or just creating even more space between us. We have had small talk the last 2 days, very short but it's something. He asked his mom what the plans for thanksgiving were so he knew how to plan. I don't knwo what that meant but was just happy he asked. He is also making the house payment for november. Still as confused now as i was last month.

[Bela]

It's been forever since I've been on here. I've had some small things stay consistent. he still makes the house payment faithfully. He is still on the couch We can barely have a conversation. He's hanging out with kids that are about 20yrs younger than him.

[Elly4]

Hi Bela,

What have you been doing for you? Are you doing any GAL? Are you in IC?

[Bob723]

Hi Bela,

I was going to ask the same questions my dear friend Eirinn asked.

Please let us know when you have time.

I'll dedicate a prayer for you right now.

Bob