Well, I'm back home with my parents - at 38 years old. Wonderful.
I am really sorry to here this Ralphy. I vowed since I graduated college i'd never ever move back into my folks house. Well now I know better (after spending so much time here), if I was in your shoes i'd chose moving back into their house where they would love me unconditionally over being completely disrespected and treated like $hit, in a heart beat.
Originally Posted By: ralphy
I understand detaching. But what if detachment is one of the things that she points out as being a problem going into this.
Now, granted, none of the things she's asking for will happen as long as OM is in the picture, but let's assume for a moment that she drops him and wants to proceed with "us". Is it better to give her what she wants, but do it in a confident, exciting, mysterious way, or is it better to follow the DB rules and completely detach while we are separated?
So the more I read about healthy marriage, the more I get it. Detachment is not only about saving ourselves. That is true when we are enmeshed with our spouse or in an abusive relationship, but it is about removing our reliance emotionally from our partner and letting them live their own lives without us needing to control them. Now that does NOT mean that we cannot be close, friendly, loving or caring towards our spouse...just the opposite, being detached allows us to do these things freely, without strings or expectations of a return for those gifts that we are giving. A detached partner does not mean distant...I cannot ever imagine this a something a spouse would ever indicate as a problem.
For your situation RIGHT NOW, detaching from your wife has everything to do with creating a mindset of not needing your wife to fulfill your needs so that you can start to find yourself and really build your self-worth and esteem up and letting your wife walk her own path. It will also allow for better interactions later, if and when YOU are ready for such interactions.
I really hope that your wife wakes up. But in the meantime, there is a chance for Ralphy to make up some ground on treating yourself like you truly deserve to be treated...you can start on that tomorrow!
For your situation RIGHT NOW, detaching from your wife has everything to do with creating a mindset of not needing your wife to fulfill your needs so that you can start to find yourself and really build your self-worth and esteem up and letting your wife walk her own path. It will also allow for better interactions later, if and when YOU are ready for such interactions.
Ralphy,
No truer words have ever been spoken or written. Well said, Z, excellent advice!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You are all so amazing. I felt horrible as I went into rehearsal tonight. I came out to some wonderful people giving some wonderful advice. Wouldnt it be amazing if we could all meet up someday, around a huge bonfire and just talk, laugh, sing, etc?
Good luck to all of you. I'm going to bed now...happier, more relaxed, and hopeful because of all of you.
W and I.have a "date" for a show we bought tickets for months ago. It's outside, and we are doing a little picnic. Got here at 2 like I was supposed to, and of course, she's not ready. Sitting on the couch waiting for her to get all made up. Will be interesting to see if she puts her ring on. Wasn't on when I got here.
also, she's in full "teenager" mode, using little slang sayings, bubbly, etc, but still pretty vacant. Who is this person? I'm resisting all temptation to try and hug her or be in any way affectionate.
STFU, stay detached, validate....
I did get a haircut, and some new clothes prior to arriving. She said I look nice - but had this strange smirk on her face when she said it. Almost as though she thinks I'm doing this for her...I'm down almost 30 pounds. Nothing fits, and I feel good that I can finally buy some clothes that will fit me. Even but a couple "slim fit" shirts. Haven't been able to do that for 15 years.
I'm going to make this a good night. No R talk, just two "friends" on a picnic.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need some emotional support right now. I will be thinking of you all as well.
I hope everyone has a nice night. It's really nice here...hope the rain holds off.
You are all so amazing. I felt horrible as I went into rehearsal tonight. I came out to some wonderful people giving some wonderful advice. Wouldnt it be amazing if we could all meet up someday, around a huge bonfire and just talk, laugh, sing, etc?
Good luck to all of you. I'm going to bed now...happier, more relaxed, and hopeful because of all of you.
I'll say a prayer for all of us tonight.
Thanks Ralphy...I've often thought the same thing. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could all meet up someday?
You'll be ok!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So a quick recap from the weekend. W had a minor outpatient procedure (which she of course turned into the most drama-filled recovery possible) on Friday. She called me Friday afternoon and asked if I could take D2 for the night. Of course I can. So I picked up D2 and took her back to my parents house where we stayed overnight.
Saturday morning, my mom took D2 to my niece's softball game and I went clothes shopping for some nice clothes that actually fit. Spent about $300. Felt pretty good.
Picked up W (see post above) after waiting for her to get ready for about an hour after we were supposed to leave (par for the course).
We had a nice time on our picnic. Minor affectionate things, little hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc. We then decided to leave the outdoor concert early because it looked like rain. We decided to go to a bar and sing karaoke. (Something we used to do together regularly). We sat on the couch for awhile and kissed quite a bit. It was simultaneously nice and awkward.
No R talk or anything up to this point. Went out and had a pretty good time and saw some people we hadn't seen in awhile. Just drinks and holding hands and some little kisses here and there. It got to be about 11:30 and we decided it was time to go home. Kiss at her car, and I went my way and she went hers.
Sunday, I got D2 ready and took her to the house to pick up W for church. Then we went to a restaurant for Father's Day. After we left the restaurant, we were planning on going straight to the pool, but had to take the food home first. Awkward moment in the car "arguing" about going to the pool. I was tired, and kind of just wanted to be away from W at this point. Not sure why, but I just wanted to be alone, and was starting to get old feelings worked up, thinking about her A, etc. Was worried that I would start talking about R, so I probably came across as agitated.
Anyway, we dropped off the food, I was over my little bout of depression, and we took D2 to the pool. Swam for awhile and she had a blast. D2 fell asleep in the car on the way home, and we pulled into the driveway, and had to talk about the upcoming week. Tried as best as I could to avoid any R talk, but it did come up a little as I mentioned that having to work all this out, staying at my parents house, etc. was pretty annoying since it takes me 2 hours to get to work now. Told W that I was going to start looking at apartments soon because I can't keep up the driving, and no sleep routine forever while she figures things out. Obviously, this got her a little upset. (She thinks that I should just deal with this forever?)
Anyway, the night didn't really end on a great note, but we did hug, and said goodnight. Cordial, but strained.
Now to my feelings of the weekend. It was very strange to be with my W. It was like a date that I really didn't want to be on. Where you meet a blind date and realize that there is no way it will work, but you go on the date anyway because, well, you're there, and the person seems pretty nice. but you know its going nowhere. This is how I felt all weekend, which is why there were a couple of awkward moments.
I think I'm starting to be OK with the fact that this may not work out with us. I started some deep should searching last night, and I truly don't know if I can forgive W for her continuing EA (still not sure if its ever gone PA). I'm OK with it if it doesn't work out. For the first time since BD almost 2 months ago, I'm starting to think of my future without my W. And I'm surprisingly OK with it.
One last thing that I forgot to add. At the picnic on Saturday, W lost her sunglasses. She spend the rest of Saturday evening all the way through until Sunday afternoon freaking out about losing her sunglasses.
Finally, before we went to the pool, we went shopping so she could get new sunglasses. While she was trying on pairs, the sales guy said I should get some too. I'm not a flashy, spend lots of money on sunglasses kind of guy, so I declined. But W insisted that I try some on. We found some that she liked. They were $300 Prada sunglasses. I said no way.
She ended up buying them for me.
So if nothing else, I got a nice pair of sunglasses out of the deal. Supposedly it was my Father's Day present. Not sure what to make of it all, but it was truly and interesting weekend to say the least.
Nice update on your sitch. The reconciliation process is full of fits and starts. If I remember correctly, it took Starsky and Mrs. Starsky about 2 years before things truly settled down.
Something you would want to keep in mind during your journey with Mrs. Ralphy.
I'm not sure how much of a reconciliation it can be when she's still with OM on the side. But we did have a nice weekend, despite it ending awkwardly.
She's just in such a foul mood all the time. She's difficult (aka NOT FUN) to be around. It's very quickly changing me from putting everything I have into saving US to just wanting to move on and get it over with.
I suppose this is healthy as I'm finally focusing on ME, and not worried about everyone else's reaction. I'm just asking myself WHY do I want to save this? I truly can't find a legitimate reason now, other than D2 will be happier. But will she really be happier? I don't know anymore.
