Cadet, sorry fat finger syndrome, posted too soon, ran out of time
Whether MDW contributes is her choice, good if she will. Everything we are doing is developing another aspect of DB discussion an added dimension, that will be useful to some.
The board isn't an abuse board, when I first came here I was confused because I couldn't read any posts from PWAS who like I was were in abuse situations. I could see LBS behaving in ways that would drive their PWAS away but not for PWAS who wished to stand. Those that appeared were sometimes criticised for wanting to walk. That was tough to read and in fact someone struggling with wanting to walk also needs guidance.
Sandi developed the concept of the WS as opposed to the WAW a great new tool was available. I perceived that suddenly within the board the number of PWAS rose, I actually took a milestone poll at one stage in Newcombers. I also note that posters are staying longer, but would love to see the stats on that as that is anecdotal.
This proposed thread is a further tool, in IRL additional resources are needed both for an abuser and the target., and an idicator in how to access that is also helpful. A good start in that area is identifying risk. How good that is will depend on the originators and the quality of the material on it, important enough that guidance is important in it. I suspect like all threads it will have a life of its own and need strength to get back on topic!
Addiction and compulsion are further twists to the abuse drama. As you know I believe in the twelve steps process, so there is much to think about.
Thank you Z for permission to hijack your thread.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/11/1509:14 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I first came here I was confused because I couldn't read any posts from PWAS who like I was were in abuse situations.
PWAS = Possible walk away spouse ? Sorry I don't know what that means, the abbreviation that is?
Doing some searching here is one thing I found from MWD
Originally Posted By: Michele Weiner Davis
In fact, in extreme cases, certain relationships are better off terminated for the health and well being of everyone involved. This book will also address these exceptional situations. However, most people considering divorce do not fall into these extreme categories.
Cadet, Once the new thread has been created, will it remain here in Newcomer's or will it become a separate forum, whereby it can be viewed and posters can click on that particular forum? I think it warrants it's own forum, i.e., like Newcomers, MLC, etc....but that's my opinion.
Here are some of the abuse topics that may and should be discussed:
1. Verbal Abuse 2. Emotional Abuse (social isolation and gaslighting would fall under this category) 3. Physical Abuse 4. Psychological Abuse 5. Sexual Abuse 6. Financial Abuse 7. Digital Abuse 8. Stalking (yes, it's a form abuse, especially when a relationship ends the one party can't accept that it's over and becomes obsessed w/the other party).
When the new thread and/or forum is set up, I will be more than happy to post the information that I have on all of the above topics. I would suggest that each topic have its own thread so that people will have an easy reference to each topic.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree this is not an abuse forum. I wouldn't recommend volumes of data, but rather enough for someone to understand the basic differences and some pointers on where to seek additional help.
Just thought I'd add my reactions to these questions... would I have recognised an abuser before I came to DB? No. In hindsight I was preprimed from childhood and my mother to not question some things... not anymore.
If I was in another R would I know? Now... yes. I can see a lot of the signs.
What if it was a different type of abuse. If it's controlling, then yes.
And how are we as posters or vets suppose to know this? You won't and that's ok. See my 1st point on this post. If it seems to be more than "normal" stuff, then suggest the person read the thread. If it strikes a chord with them, they'll follow-it. Or not.
Most of of us begin to wake up to the facts after a while (I'd hope).
Even for a MLC, recognizing what's abusive and setting a boundary is a good thing regardless. Knowing what's crossing the line can make a huge difference.
In some cases (like mine) it happened so gradually over time that I didn't fully catch on until it blew up. But I still knew something was wrong.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Sherman, I checked out another forum today and a poster had some red flags going up which involved possible abuse. It was suggested to this poster that they look up domestic violence - cycle of abuse.
We may see the red flags more clearly for many of the posters because we aren't close to their respective situations and we can suggest that they do some internet searching of certain subjects, or at least point them in the right direction, but to actually post links, I'm not sure we will be allowed to do this. Again, it's something that will need to be run by the powers to be, as many of us, along the way, have posted links before and have had our hands smacked for doing so. We'll see how this unfolds in the next day or so. I'm sure we'll have some answers soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When I came here, I was also searching other websites for information about axis II, abuse...I knew for a long time my STBX was crossing lines but I guess I did not want to think of him as an 'abuser.' I wanted to think I could do something about it DR, or he didn't know any better and that's why he treated me the way he did.
Even when Mozza and Vanilla used that term, I rejected it. Still remember finding out he'd contacted a girlfriend directly and told her to stay away from me (shudder). That's what it took to be able to say this is an abusive person.
I think a forum/thread here addressing some of this can resonate like you said, at least be a starting point. Even Vanilla said she couldn't find anyone talking about it.
And that alone has a way of making someone feel alone.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
My STBXH was busy indeed an OW, plus a POW or two, like having a queen and an heir and a spare in waiting. But of course they were all in my mind even the fishwife, the scuzzy and the tramp.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks - I added these to the abbreviation list at the top of the forum.
Originally Posted By: Sherman333
Originally Posted By: Job
but to actually post links, I'm not sure we will be allowed to do this.
I stick with the current rules. You only post links to the relevant thread here on this forum.
Originally Posted By: Job
It was suggested to this poster that they look up domestic violence - cycle of abuse.
Exactly. Suggest they google/search certain terms.
But have the basic information that points them in the right direction here on this forum. There are other places to find a lot more information.
Doing it this way stays within the current guidelines and the spirit of this board (as I see it).
Yes the above is fine.
I have been in contact with the forum admin and we have determined that the DB Forum is not the place to discuss all of the abuse topics that Job selected in her posting.
Michelle has helped people in these situations save their marriages, however, it is not within the scope or purpose of the forum to be the place to do this. Coaching is available if you wish to discuss topics such as abuse going on in your marriage.
So we will not be creating a new forum specifically for Abuse. You are more than free to create a topic on this subject. As long as we stay within the frame work of the board rules I do not have a problem with it.
I do still think that many posters here or on the MLC forum experience abuse, and that DB'ing in no way contradicts the basics of what you should DO. My focus is still to continue for people to work on themselves and in doing that I do believe that you can not lose!
Thanks to Job for her efforts here, she is an invaluable resource IMHO.
