Don't Look Back 1

[Vanilla]

Sunny

H has scrambled eggs for brains. No use worrying, just make egg bread instead.

V

[SunnyB]

SunnyB | It's me who should thank you for your openness. I'm glad that you shared your own struggle. You ask how is it that I make it look so simple. I don't have an answer, and anyway it's not that simple in real life, but here are a few thoughts that cross my mind about it.

a) I accept that some relationship might be mutually satisfactory and short term. Is this an option that you might consider or is it important that your next partner have the potential for lifelong commitment? How does that influence your assessment of them?

b) I am building confidence that I can meet and attract the woman of my dreams. My biggest hurdle would be to approach her if we ever meet, so that's what I'm working on, on all fronts: IC, reading, practice. What makes you doubt that you would meet such a person? Any internal hurdles for you?

c) How much do we know someone early on? It is possible to enter certain relationships and let them evolve over time. It is possible and common that we realize we're meant for someone after several months or years. Do you feel rushed in making a decision with this man?

d) What kind of person do we seek? On thing that DB especially has taught me is that we can't fix people. But I'm a fixer and I'm attracted to people who have issues because I want to be the Nice Guy that solves them. As I wrote before, WW had immense trust issues and I came as the white night of Loyalty to her. Some of the women I've met in the last few weeks have their own issues and I can feel myself wanting to be the right guy for them. I'm trying to step back and remember that I can't fix them, and that I should rather choose someone with the right balance. How about the shortcomings of your suitor? Are they deal breakers? Are they a problem for you or for your image with others?

e) It might look simple because I'm the beginning and not yet entangled in multiple relationships with women who think I've duped them and who react badly to my lack of commitment. Joking aside, could it be that you're afraid to hurt others or just yourself?

I'm happy to continue the conversation on this.

Thanks, Mozza. I've been away without access to a keyboard and this was more than I could manage on my phone. But I've been thinking.

a)I'd like to say that I'm OK with a relationship I know would only be short term, but at my age that seems like a waste of time. I know that most relationships aren't going to turn into anything long term, so it seems like intentionally pursuing something I know for sure wouldn't last is frivolous. Perhaps if I was getting some really great sex from it. Seriously.

b) My internal hurdle is being told by my H for years that I wasn't attractive enough, even though I have some pretty good clues from other people that I am. I know I'm smart and I'm well-read but I've been out of the business world for a long time and lack confidence there also.

c) I am definitely not in a hurry to do anything. I'm not even D yet. And I feel strongly that I need to develop some confidence in myself (see "b") before I get tangled up with another strong man.

d) I thought about your questions here quite a bit. The particular guy I was discussing before would definitely not fit in with my friends. He's nice enough, but wouldn't be able to hold his own in a conversation. He doesn't have the education, experiences, or lifestyle to fit in. Everyone would be nice, but that's not enough to truly fit in. I wonder if I were crazy in love with him if I would overlook that, and I wonder if I would regret that down the road?

e) I do not want to disappoint others, for sure. A bad trait to have when there's weeding out to be done.

During my week away, I decided what really annoys me about the guy I mentioned: he did a bit of online snooping about me, and then casually dropped those things into texts/conversations. I don't mind that he did it, it's apparently all publicly available, after all. But it's annoying to me that he thinks he knows things about me when if he had bothered to ask me those questions, he'd have found out a lot more than the answer he has. For instance, if he had asked me about where I grew up, he would have had a location and a description of the town, as well as what I liked about it and why I moved away. Instead, he has the name of a small town he couldn't even find on a map if he looked. What does that mean about him? And what does it mean about me? I don't know the answer to either of those questions.

It seems like I have come up with more questions than answers here, but I appreciate the dialog, Mozza.

[Maybell]

Sunny, I think that last thing is one of the perils of dating now that we didn't have when we were last out there. It means he's interested and wants to show you but he's heavy-handed and awkward. But I get what you say about the education, etc.

I've been pondering that a little bit. Would I date a guy in a different place socially than I've become accustomed to? Part of me sees a LOT of appeal in that. I feel like part of what's wrong with STBX is kind of endemic to that ambitious executive sort of guy, and that reaching for that again is just going to get me more of the same. On the other hand, why not reach?

These are all academic wonderings because the fact is I don't want the responsibility of another person right now. I'm not spending nearly enough time with my friends who I KNOW love me and are right for me. And I find a certain reticence in myself with them that I'd like to heal before I jump into something else again.

That said... STBX has a cousin who got divorced very abruptly two years ago when her XH went off the deep end. Nobody ever liked him but he went off the deep end in a really scary way and I think he broke her heart. And now... she's engaged! I wish her all the best. She looks happy (you know, on Facebook), and I'm seeing a side of her there that most people probably thought XH had killed dead and buried.

For myself, I'm trying to remember that if I walk the path where my best self shows, then eventually it will match up to the best self of someone who is a good partner to me. I am interested in the abstract question, who will I end up with, kind of the way I was interested in it when I was twelve, but with far less urgency.

And for pete's sake, if he can make my sex drive come back I'll love him forever. Putting out for STBX after learning about the affair has ruined that part of my life for the moment.

[SunnyB]

Hi Maybell!

Sunny, I think that last thing is one of the perils of dating now that we didn't have when we were last out there. It means he's interested and wants to show you but he's heavy-handed and awkward.

Awkward is an excellent word. He dishes out compliments right and left (which is nice considering H was extremely stingy with them) but it comes across as insincere since I feel like he doesn't actually know much about me.

Would I date a guy in a different place socially than I've become accustomed to?

At risk of sounding very snobby, I just don't know that I can. I'm willing to take a chance, but I don't know that we would ever have enough in common to last past the initial infatuation. I'm way too old for an "us against the world" mentality.

For myself, I'm trying to remember that if I walk the path where my best self shows, then eventually it will match up to the best self of someone who is a good partner to me.

I like this a lot, MB.

And for pete's sake, if he can make my sex drive come back I'll love him forever.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, the drive part is going strong. It's what to do with it (or rather, what I don't do with it) that's frustrating. And I'm not attracted to Mr. Prospect AT ALL. He's insecure about being shorter than me for starters, story of my life. But it goes beyond that, he just doesn't do it for my physically.

Last week I had lunch with an x bf, someone I've kept in touch with since college. We see each other every time I visit my hometown. This time, after lunch, I knew he was going to kiss me, and I intended to let it happen. At the last minute, I balked, and he was gracious about it. I'm way more attracted to x bf than I am Mr. Prospect. Maybe because he knows me so much better.

In the end, I'm still M, so all this dating stuff is kind of a moot point. I just find it interesting the way it's unfolding, and I intent to take the time to learn about myself. And walk my path.

[SunnyB]

So...on a completely different note...they started installing my new floors today! They look great. The house is a wreck, all the stuff from one half is sitting all over the other half and everything is dusty, but I'm so happy.

Last week while I was gone, H came over and coordinated the painting of the girls bedrooms, moved some stuff still in his closet, and helped S19 move the piano because that's the one thing the floor people wouldn't touch. It was a huge amount of work. And he even offered to let us stay at his apartment tonight (he's out of town). All in all, he's being a real team player on this.

[SunnyB]

I'm a little concerned this morning about some things that might be askew financially. We had agreed to keep things the same, but I see signs he might not have honored that.

Just an update on this part: an opportunity presented itself that I was comfortable asking the financial question I had. And I was OK with the answer. Any of you who have followed me knows that financial misdoings would be the only reason for me to immediately pull a D trigger. But apparently that's not necessary. Whew!

Having said that, I'm working on my financial forms, one of my four goals. There are some things I just don't know, but I want to get the things I do know organized over the summer. I have gotten a good start this week.

[Zues126]

Good job Sunny. Inertia is so brutal, it can be hard to start moving on some things. But if you can start, it's never as hard as when it's hanging over your head (which can feel IMPOSSIBLE).

I have a number of things like that. Things that STBX used to do that I'm now responsible for and haven't fully integrated into routines. Still have some unpacking to do after the move. Etc. But I've had a few times I knock some things out and it feels grrrrrrreat like Tony the tiger.

I have a few goals too. Maybe we should add them to our signatures for accountability? Hmmm...I'm embarrassed I'll fall short. You go first?

[SunnyB]

I have a few goals too. Maybe we should add them to our signatures for accountability? Hmmm...I'm embarrassed I'll fall short. You go first?

Challenge accepted, Zues.

Here's the post where I initially spelled out these goals:

I have four things I want to work on

1) Getting my health and fitness back after the last so many months of challenges. I want to get back to some things I enjoy (hello, oly bar) and try out some new things such as SUP paddleboarding and mud runs.

2) Finish some things around the house I never had time for when I was working full time with three kids at home. I'm having new flooring installed in about half the house in June, and I researched and priced and ordered it all myself, no help from H. That's huge for me.

3) It's time for me to explore returning to work.

4) I want to get some paperwork in order in case H decides to file, or if I decide to ask him to. We have mutually agreed not to file until September, but if that's when it's going to happen, I want to be prepared and not overwhelmed while I'm trying to start a new job. If I don't need it, then I'll still have a better picture of our financial situation.

I had been thinking about updating my signature anyway, some of the things I initially thought were important have lost meaning. Exact dates, for instance. As it fades into the background part of my life story, it doesn't matter if it's the 17th or the 18th.

Let's see yours, Zues.

[Card29]

Sunny, great goals! No I'm going to encourage you with nagging questions

1.) What kind of exercise do you enjoy? And when is the soonest you can begin? Today?

2.) What's the first thing you want to accomplish around the house? When will you start? (Flooring is a great accomplishment, btw! Even if you're just hiring someone to do it. I went through the same thing with our house last fall, and getting all of the quotes, learning about the different material options, etc. was definitely a hassle).

3.) Sorry if I missed it somewhere in your time here, but what is your work background? Are you looking at returning to the same type of work, or are you open-ended and/or have a different field in mind?

[Bob723]

Hi Sunny,

First, sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I have barely been online for the last week and a half (work is crazy and been GALing a lot!). But I have been thinking about you.

You are doing a good job -- keep it up. I agree with Zues.

I like Card's questions. I'm looking forward to reading your answers.

Please hang in there Sunny! You CAN do this.

{{{Sunny}}}

Bob