I've honestly been really stressed out the last few days. I haven't had a day to take care of my own personal stuff in a few weeks. Some of the plans have been really fun, but there have always been plans. I take the blame for not blocking off time to do my stuff.
Also, I'm living with a European and trying to conform to his habits, like A/C. I live in the Ohio Valley (humid, hot) and we've had the A/C on for maybe an hour all year so far. I did purchase an awesome fan, which I carry around the apt like an oxygen tank. Until very recently I've been totally fine with the arrangement. It's just been a little annoying to deal with since I've had a bunch of extra stress piled on me the last week or so. When you're extremely stressed, the last thing you want to do is walk into your home at night and break out in a muggy sweat.
So STBX has officially moved into that house a couple of blocks from me. I'm not okay with the proximity. It really will be convenient, she's not the intrusive type, and we're getting along okay (for the most part...). But we had an issue today. I've mentioned on here that she has been very flimsy with the schedule lately. When I thought more about it, last summer/fall, we never ever changed the schedule except for work-related obligations, or events that were planned at least a few days, if not weeks, ahead of time. But since the turn of the new year, she has changed plans so much that I no longer trust the schedule even a few days out.
I mentioned it to her a couple of weeks ago, that when we go to populate the schedule further (I think it's "booked" until July), we need to go to 1-week rotations and we need to try to stick to the schedule. Then she's been going through all of this chaos from her break up, and then moving, so there were a TON of changes the last couple of weeks. I let it all go and went with it. Not trying to berate her in the middle of her crisis. It just didn't seem productive. So I've had D2 and the dog for most of the last couple of weeks, and I've just had so many problems and wanted a day off.
Today was finally STBX's day to get her. But I saw her name on the calendar and just doubted it somehow. Somehow I knew it wasn't going to happen, at least very smoothly. I even texted her earlier today "What's the plant tonight?", to which she didn't respond. Finally, this text convo happened. Let me know what you guys think. I don't think I handled it perfectly. Keep in mind, she is still kind of moving, I guess, although most of her stuff is at her new place. She's had painters, etc. over to the new rental house all weekend and even today.
STBX: Is there any way you can pick her up? I don't have a carseat.
Me: I will get her today. I know you're in the middle of moving but we have to be more stable with the schedule, especially with last second changes for reasons like this
STBX: Just forget it then STBX: There's no reason to be rude
Me: I'm not being rude, I'm being honest
STBX: You're being condescending STBX: Just forget it, I'll figure it out.
ME: Ok
*4 minutes elapse*
STBX: I don't understand you STBX: You've been calling me asking for help. Would you say this if I had been able to help you?
Me: You're right. But i was asking for a break and I was already at your house. [I didn't say this, but it was also her originally scheduled day to have D2]. I always try to pick her up when I'm supposed to. I responded because I was already doubting that it was going to go as schedueld today. That's why I asked what the plan was earlier.
Me: And I guess it's already a sore spot with me because you have almost never fulfilled what you've promised about (dog). I'm fine having her but it's the change of plans that always happens that I don't want to continue forever
Me: I don't mind being flexible, but I also want to be able to trust the schedule like I could last fall. I haven't trusted it since early this year. Like if we have trips or events we want to rearrange the schedule around, that's fine. But changes like this never happened summer/fall 2014 and have happened so much in 2015 that I'm responding like this. Maybe I didn't respond in the most elegant or graceful way. I'm just trying to be honest
STBX: Like I said, whatever. I'll go find a car seat and bring our kid home to a construction site. I'll figure it out
Me: If your house is a construction site, why didn't you say something sooner? I can pick her up
...
And it got more mundane after that.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, my only thought is that you could have stuck to the logistics of who was to pick up D at the time and saved the rest of the convo for later. Offering to pick up D to help out W was a positive interaction. Immediate cancelled out because you were "rude" and "condescending". Maybe later in the evening would have been a better time?
I'm just thinking from my perspective. If I need help picking up the kids I don't need a lecture attached with it. I just need help. Later, we can go over the schedule together.
True, Sunny. She definitely was not in the mood. And I didn't mean to lecture. It was just a sore spot and she pushed the button very soon after I expected her to. I went to her house warming party last night and everything was smooth. I mainly posted this here to try to learn from the interaction. Lots of wisdom here. Thanks for your thoughts!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
That was a comical conversation. Maybe it was the heat?
The heat definitely has been getting to me, since some days I have no escape from it. Yesterday it wasn't an excuse, though. Perfect weather in Louisville yesterday and today. I actually bought a kite for D2 and was perturbed that it was "too" nice outside...no wind to fly the kite!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Unsurprisingly, STBX is still being strung along by OM. Seems like the guys sleeps with whichever woman he feels like in a given week (his W or mine). I'm not hurt by the A, but my heart really is broken for STBX. Just sad that she has let herself fall so far that she's willing to be treated badly by a married father of 3 willing to openly run around on his family.
This time I found out because I was over at her house yesterday and noticed her TV had been mounted on the wall. I asked who hung it, thinking it was her step dad who was in town with her mom recently. She said, "You don't want to know." I started to give her a big speech but instead opted for, "Okay but I just want what's best for you," or something along those lines. She's a grown ass woman, she can live her life however she wants.
I'm instead focusing on giving D2 as much stability as I possibly can. I need to move out in the fall, and I want my next move to be a place I can stay until I'm potentially getting married or very serious with another woman again. Lord knows what's coming down the road for STBX. Undoubtedly more turmoil. As D2 gets smarter and smarter, I want her to at least know what to expect with dad and his living arrangement.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thanks uR! I just got back from a 1-1/2 week trip out west, visiting family, friends and natural wonders. Had D2 (now D3!!) on the trip with me. I feel like I grew as a dad on the trip because she had some really nasty moods, for extended periods of time, and I didn't lose my cool (too much...).
Visited friends in Phoenix for a day. Visited S#2 and BIL in San Diego. Mom and S#1 met me out there. Surfed, hung out, etc for a few days. Then we all piled into a van (5 adults, D3 and 2 dogs) and headed north. Stopped in LA (Ss06, where were ya?? haha). Visited family in Morro Bay and Napa. The group split after that. S#2, BIL, D3, the dogs and I then went to the forests. Sequoia grove on Friday, Yosemite (OMG) on Saturday. Then one last split, S#2 etc went back to San Diego, D3 and I drove north through Tahoe and flew out of Reno. What a week+!
STBX told me today that she is officially back on with OM. Her words were:
[blockquote=STBX]I also wanted to tell you that OM and I are seeing each other. He got an official custody agreement so he has resolved the custody dispute and his situation.[/blockquote]
Like a custody agreement is going to make their R (8 break-ups in 12 months) function perfectly now... But I simply responded
Me: Good luck to you.
STBX: I know that's probably not what you want to say, but thank you.
Me: It's your life and I just wish you the best.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
The rest of this is just me venting to the only audience I can safely do so. Not saying a word of this to her or anyone else IRL. I don't have the right ears in my life right now that should hear this.
I was actually PO'd last night thinking about her sitch. Not because of jealousy or hurt on my end. I just believe it is not the best thing for her to pursue an R with this guy who has dumped her EIGHT times in less than a year, always going back to the other woman. She's not doing any work on herself and has fallen into a nasty cycle:
- They get together, she's happy and calm for a few days/weeks - That high wears off and she comes back to reality, where she has battles with depression and anxiety - He leaves (not sure of his motives, nor interested), she falls off the edge of the Earth - She turns to meds, alcohol, weed. Constantly asks for last minute help with D3. Frequently tells me because she will "be in no state to watch her tonight". Lately has turned to me for a shoulder to cry on - I pushed back some last night. Next time I will not be that at all for her. - Week or so later, she levels out, but still miserable - Surprise, he's back! Everything rosy again! Smooth sailing for the rest of life now - Back to Step 1
That's happened, in some form or fashion, 8 times now. And her drop off has become more and more severe. I'm not saying OM is the source of her problems. They are of course inside of her, as they have been since before I met her. But with the games he's playing, it keeps all of her focus on him (He's back! - He's gone... ), and she's never had anywhere near the time she needs to look into herself. If you ask me, she needs probably TWO years single to figure herself out. She's probably the biggest mess of anyone I know, including some of my crazy cousins (whom I love to death) that have held that title for a decade or so.
*deep breath*
Tonight I'm stopping by her house to pick up something. It will be the first time I've seen OM since I learned he is THE OM, not just OM#2 (January-to-present) as she originally told me. ~Should I punch him?~
FYI, those ~ are sarcasm tildes
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
), and she's never had anywhere near the time she needs to look into herself. If you ask me, she needs probably TWO years single to figure herself out. She's probably the biggest mess of anyone I know, including some of my crazy cousins (whom I love to death) that have held that title for a decade or so.