NVC practice group this evening. Tonight I was on the receiving end of the "empathy shower" while others practiced giving me empathy. I decided to open up about my sitch a bit, mostly because the other lady on the call was in the early stages of break up and I figured she might find it useful to hear someone who is further along in the process talk about their experiences. It was an interesting experience...being given the space to talk about my own journey while having others "take guesses" at how I might be feeling.
Me: Sometimes I feel like I live a double life. This past year has been the hardest ever on a personal front, but its not the kind of thing that I talk about at work. Facilitator (NVC practitioner): hmmm....sounds like you feel a bit conflicted because you want to be more authentic? Me: Yes, authentic...that's a good word for it. I feel like I'm not being authentic. (later) Me: There's a sadness there, but also hope...for myself...that didn't exist before. Facilitator: hmmm...sounds like a strange thing to say, but it almost sounds like you are enjoying learning about yourself through this experience? Me: Mmmm....I don't know if enjoyment is the right word...but yes I suppose there is a sense of fulfilment and there is joy in feeling like that yes.
The facilitator explained how the natural inclination to want to jump in and offer suggestions or relate our own experiences, often comes from our own discomfort at seeing other people feel sad etc. We want to relieve the other person's sadness, so we don't feel so uncomfortable.
That struck a chord with me. My H would sometimes say that he feels like he couldn't be sad because of the way I responded to him when he conveyed his sadness. In those moments, he was just looking for empathy.....not a way out of his sadness.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Oops, Z. Just saw your post above. Yep, still doing yoga...though other GAL plans have gotten in the way of that this week. As for my next adventure...well if you mean travel, then Canada is most likely up in August. If you are referring to something other than travel then read on to my next post...
Last edited by gan; 06/17/1512:02 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Well...I think I finally arrived. I think I've hit the point where I just don't care what happens to the M. Sure, I feel sad that it ended but from here on in this is all about me and my journey. I wish my H well...and I think he is a fool.
Somehow, I feel like I'm able to engage more with the world and the people around me as I am today.
On Monday I went to an open mike night with a guy I met at a hiking Meetup thing a few weeks ago. He's probably 20 years older and nice company...so when he invited me I figured what the hey, I guess I can do that sort of thing. Though I have no idea what it means in the general area of "male-female relations". And I'm ok with it.
Today I also got a message from a younger, apparently smitten guy who attended the hike last weekend. I'll refrain from posting what he wrote, but it left me in stiches, poor guy. Actually, it occurs to me that I've been complimented (or propositioned!) by far more random guys in the last 6 months, than in the entirely of my 15 year R...so I guess I'm sending out something different. I'll confess it's a confidence boost and has me more curious about the dating scene. I think I am ready.
What's even nicer though, is that I will go to it with a greater understanding of who I really am, what I have to offer, and what I want from a R. While I would have preferred to come to this place through a different means, I have to say that I'm pretty happy with where I am at these days.
Newcomers - I know I found it hard to read "it will get better" when I first arrived here. I clearly remember thinking I didn't want to be here a year later. But the reality is you should take as long as you need. This time is a gift and if you treat it as such, you will reap the rewards. There's peace in me that hasn't existed in a long, long while and I think you'll find it, too, if you linger on the boards for a bit longer yet.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Newcomers - I know I found it hard to read "it will get better" when I first arrived here. I clearly remember thinking I didn't want to be here a year later. But the reality is you should take as long as you need. This time is a gift and if you treat it as such, you will reap the rewards. There's peace in me that hasn't existed in a long, long while and I think you'll find it, too, if you linger on the boards for a bit longer yet.
YEARLINGS - there is a lot of reward in taking your knowledge and PAYING it FORWARD. It really can help to increase your healing and understanding of this whole journey.
Mach1 says - You can give a man a fish or you can teach him how to fish. One way he is not hungry for a day and the other way he never goes hungry.
Newcomers - I know I found it hard to read "it will get better" when I first arrived here. I clearly remember thinking I didn't want to be here a year later. But the reality is you should take as long as you need. This time is a gift and if you treat it as such, you will reap the rewards. There's peace in me that hasn't existed in a long, long while and I think you'll find it, too, if you linger on the boards for a bit longer yet.
I certainly didn't intend to be here more than a few months. My entire plan was to wait it out until H lost his infatuation with the duck and then we could work it out. That's didn't work out for me. But I totally agree with you, gan, that there's a peace available if you'll put in the work, and the work takes time. Its been over a year since BD, and I'm still learning things. Truth is, if I'm smart, that process of learning will last forever.
Yesterday, after I told a couple of people at work about 5LL, almost everyone in our dept did the online questionnaire.
It was so funny, and I hope helpful, as people began to recognise how some action by their partner gave them the hump.
There is a young lass who was married recently who I'm sure this could help with. She admitted being irritated by some of the things her husband was doing - classic acts of service, to which she was thinking 'why is he doing this, I'm not disabled'. She was able to see what he's doing now.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
OD, I've also had discussions with a work colleague about 5LL (he'd read the book with his W). Actually I think 5LL totally plays in work relationships, too. He's acts of service guy...and in the workplace it translates to him fining it hard to say no to people. Some people exploit it. I don't because I recognise this is where he is coming from (and he appreciates that I recognise it). I've also realised why I like to work with some people but not others - one of the defining features of the former is that they use words to express their appreciation for my input. Words of affirmation is my main LL, with physical touch a close second...and I don't find that at work
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
But I totally agree with you, gan, that there's a peace available if you'll put in the work, and the work takes time. Its been over a year since BD, and I'm still learning things. Truth is, if I'm smart, that process of learning will last forever.