Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

Wow, the welcome today has been so nice! Thank you!

Betsey, one of the blessings of the last year is that I have decided to be pretty open with my kids about everything I can without really hurting them (example, too much info about their dad's choices). Another is that I finally get to embrace -- or come closer to embracing -- values I'd been exploring that he'd found really off-putting, like simplicity and sustainability. I don't think I'll ever be a real minimalist but I definitely want to pare down and live more intentionally. So I've had a lot of conversations with the kids about frugality, about choosing things that mean a lot to us, and about the limits of what we can and should do with money. D12 has hung out in my office with me when I was going over the budget, and while I've assured her we'll always have what we need, it has been helpful for her to see just exactly how things add up and why I say we won't be making certain purchases just because. The accusation of "cheapskate" seems to have pretty well disappeared from her repertoire of snottiness, which is a blessing.

I'm not sure why I cared about S9's friend's perception of us "not having enough money." We'll have enough. At least, while the kids are young, assuming STBX doesn't deadbeat out on me (which I won't swear to), we'll have enough. We're downsizing by a lot, but we'll still be in a wonderful neighborhood. I guess it's that the friend can be pretty pushy and hurtful and his parents are well-known for not even being subtle about not wanting to talk to people they think are beneath them socially. It's sad, really. So I guess I just didn't want them to think that I was to be pitied; I feel pitied enough as it is with the way he's fallen off the radar and I'm seen to be carrying the whole load. And I don't want to be pitied. I think my life is shaping up very nicely.

kml, I didn't expect to be able to buy for a while but the realtor selling my house comes from a family where her dad walked out on her mom when she was about 12, and one of her passions is helping women who need it. She has been TREMENDOUS and directed me to a lender who will get me in pretty seamlessly, assuming I ever get this agreement signed. I thought at first I'd be in a rental for a while too, but my realtor directed me to an unconventional lender and things look promising. In my state the settlement comes first and the divorce kind of just happens. I can have the decree within a few weeks after the agreement if one of us is just willing to file and pay the fees.

I have a house in mind being sold by a couple who is also passionate about helping families, and they want me to have it. I am tremendously hopeful things will work out. But if they don't, they don't. I am fortunate to have a very wide net of available resources, especially considering I only moved to this state two years ago.

If this thing ever ends I don't think I'll so much party as just breathe a huge sigh of relief and go sit down somewhere to sleep.

[Rick1963]

It will workout. It always does. Dont become the Christmas parent cause of guilt. It hurts the kid. Give what you can and be ok with that.

[Maybell]

I'm not sure what to do with all this so I'm going to put it here this morning and see what kind of feedback I get.

I'm feeling terribly insecure lately. I don't get a lot of positive reinforcement at my office. There are only three of us: the owner, my next boss with whom I've developed a good friendship (who has been enormously disgruntled and is one bad day away from walking out), and me.

I'm very well-educated but I stayed home with my kids for twelve years. I was transitioning into a new career three years ago when STBX decided he wanted to make a cross-country move. The career I had in mind was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time and I had finally found the support system necessary to start bringing it to life when the move happened. That knocked me back several months, and then as I was starting to figure out how to rebuild it, BD occurred. (I should say that this is not the first time STBX's career/desires interfered my own goals).

I'm moving into a field that is newish but related to what I was doing before. I'm in admin with the intention of working up in this field -- but really, admin is almost as much as I can handle right now, what with the house, divorce, kids, etc. and the sheer enormity of adapting from being a full-time SAHM to a full-time single working mom.

Last night I was required to attend a marketing dinner hosted by my boss. There was one guest there in particular who is well-known in the community for being wealthy and powerful. he made it clear that I was beneath his notice. Worse, over the last couple of weeks the owner (a woman and mother of adult children) has been spending a LOT of time complaining about "these young girls" who go to college, get married, and then take time off to raise their kids so that their skills are (she claims) useless when they re-enter the work force 10-12 years later. (News to me since I'm the only one who understands how to make the technology work, among other things).

How do I not take that personally?

There is no part of my life right now that feels rewarding or manageable. I have very little support. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm not stupid but I'm tired and overstretched and I feel like that makes me look stupid. My boss (the owner) has been dropping balls left and right -- major balls -- but if a file isn't exactly where she expects it to be at the moment she wants it I get huge sighs and eye rolls. (Her mistakes have nothing to do with me).

I feel like this post has turned into an aimless vent session, but what it comes down to is that I do not feel reinforced anywhere in my life. I feel particularly undervalued at work. Nothing I do anywhere is treated as good enough. I feel ugly and I'm really struggling to maintain my sense of my own value. The injustice of the way STBX has walked out (and yet seems to expect me to be friendly with him) makes me want to vomit. People say "oh, you're so strong" and I feel like it minimizes the weight I feel myself wanting to buckle under. But buckling isn't an option.

I can't go on like this indefinitely.

[Rick1963]

Im not sure when your work troubles started. When my bd happened I was the director of a program. Was there until 2 years ago. Everyone looked up to me. But I became very depressed. Some who worked under me were less than understanding even throwing me under the bus and complaining to upper management. I was feeling very much like you. I wasnt functioning. Some people including your ex will use this time of weakness to manipulate you and kick you when down. It is hard to get your confidence back. It took me some time. I preach the following to many. Not sure if they get it at times. The way it works is that it boils down to your thinking. How you think of a situation causes how you feel and how others view you. The worse you think about uourself the more mistakes you are bound to make. The trick is challenge or stop your thinking as it is occuring. Many of you maybe thinking about you
is probably incorrect.

[Rick1963]

Damm phone. Last sentence meant to read> most of the bad stuff you think about yourself is probably incorrect. I remember how it felt. The end of the world. Well been 4 years and here I am. People looking up to me again.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. You have a great deal on your platter (because let's face it-a plate is not enough in these circumstances). Just my 2 cents...

People say what they say. I understand feeling like your boss's comments are directed towards you. However, the reality is that it's a broad generalization she believes. I know this may be difficult, but the reality is that sometimes we need to be our own biggest cheerleader. Complete with pom poms, liberty heel stretches, and a dance routine.

Mini hijack alert. A few years back, I went to work for a very, very sexy start up company. Big names associated with said company. Big names backed said company. I wanted this gig very badly. All of upper management graduated from Harvard, Yale or Princeton. Oh and one Stanford. They interviewed over 60 people for the position I wanted and had some very specific thoughts in mind with what this individual would be like. Many media appearances and a face in the community. I wondered what shot I had because even though I know that extremely intelligent (even though I hide it on this board), I went to a state school because I paid for it myself. And then I partied nonstop and certainly don't have the GPA that demonstrates commitment to academics:) However, I got the gig. And I got feedback from the upper echelon at the company, that no ONE compared to me during the interview process. I still felt less than sometimes with them, but I realized that *I* had to buy into me. I couldn't place that burden on anyone else.

Maybell is a smart lady and a great mom. Keep reminding yourself that you can do this. I know it's difficult, however, for your own benefit, you need to stop giving your STBX so much power. He made his decisions and he will have to live with them. Just like you will have to live with the decisions you make. It's a new chapter for you and it can be so exciting and wonderful:)

Please know that it will all fall into place in due time. We are all cheering for you.

[Underdog]

I know it's difficult, however, for your own benefit, you need to stop giving your STBX so much power. He made his decisions and he will have to live with them. Just like you will have to live with the decisions you make. It's a new chapter for you and it can be so exciting and wonderful:)

Yay, GB! Awesome post! And what a testimony for you moving through snobbery and perceptions of it.

I was out yesterday to attend some training on... wait for it... positive reinforcement. Granted, it was in the context of working with people who have intellectual disabilities, but as a business owner, there is so much information that translates well to every other aspect of daily living.

Anyway... Maybell... have you ever considered reading up on NLP? I think it would do you the world of good. Your personal perception eyesight svcks. As Rick said, your view of yourself is getting in the way of your success. If you were nearsighted and you had glasses for farsightedness, would you feel confident about doing anything wearing glasses that blurred your vision or made you see things that weren't there? My guess is no. You're generalizing across the board, and it's not only unhealthy, it's not true.

Granted, that one guy might be the biggest snob on the planet. So what? He is probably snobby across the board. Why does what others possibly think about you affect your beliefs about yourself? Why aren't YOU your own cheerleader? Why don't you pity HIM for being narrow minded and judgmental?

My former boss was beyond successful. He could sell ice to an eskimo. He fought in Vietnam and was well read, had a great vocabulary, dressed well and was a philanthropist at heart. But he got his honorary high school diploma in 1990 and never went to college. Nobody would ever look at him and think, "what do people see in that guy?"

More of us out here in the business world look up to people who put themselves through state college (I went to one too, Georgia). Anyone who puts effort into living their life to the fullest is someone I want on my team - at work and at home.

There are lots of books that work with the NLP concept, MB. Pick one that speaks to you. Because you're the only person getting in your own head. Don't give that ugly voice free rent. It's going to crush you if you don't replace that programming with affirming thoughts. If anyone needs to positively reinforce you right now, it's YOU.

sometimes we need to be our own biggest cheerleader. Complete with pom poms, liberty heel stretches, and a dance routine.

Bravo! Absolutely 100% on the money.

Hugs,
Betsey

[SunnyB]

Maybell, Betsey always has the right thing to say, but let me just chime in here on Team MB. You have so much on your plate right now, please be gentle with yourself. You really are doing well. And next year, when you look back at all this, you'll be amazed at what you accomplished. Hugs to you!

[Ggrass]

Gb so on the money as always......


I feel such a hay seed when you put things so eloquently.
It's just a journey. My s17 Is seemly turning a corner when I thought he never would.

[Maybell]

Thank you all for the positive reinforcement.

I gave myself a huge pep talk at 3 am a couple of days ago, and wrote several pages in my journal. I was frustrated because I have sacrificed every single thing that is important to me to spend forty hours a week at this job where I feel like I am really not making a lot of headway. I am angry with myself because just a few months ago I was so grateful to have it and now I am so resentful of it. Partly it's because the owner of my company is not the woman I thought she was. She is not compassionate. But she wants to get herself credentialed to be part of the "divorce industry" and I am triggered by it because she has been so enormously unhelpful to me. She hasn't thought it through -- she's just collecting letters after her name. But I've been assigned to pull together a lot of the resources she needs to make it happen and it makes me want to vomit. I've had to figure out that I need to do it in 15 minute bites in order to stay functional through the day. Otherwise I just get too upset to think. It was cruel and thoughtless of her to ask me to do this.

I am suffering from a lack of exercise, and I feel like I need to make some goals for myself that have nothing to do with work or parenting in order to feel like my own person again. It's like the days of my marriage when my whole life centered around the home and other people's needs. I can't continue to function like this.

STBX has been taking the kids only every 3rd weekend since April -- he claims because of work travel but somehow his plans always seem to change in order for him to be home on the weekends when he should have had the kids. He missed one of his weeknights for travel and another I had to attend a work dinner so my down time is pretty much nil. One of my tasks for this week is to figure out how to build back in my running & yoga practices, and to make time for my own professional development efforts (can't be done during work hours) without sacrificing too much of my actual down time. I need to own my life. I feel depleted. And it is impossible to not hate STBX while my life feels so shackled. I'm working on it.

His dad had a heart procedure this week and I felt badly for the whole family. He's young for these sorts of health problems. STBX's younger brother & his wife are expecting their third child and the brother Facebook friended me and said he missed me, which was kind. It's not detached to wonder how these developments land in his brain with regards to me. But then I remember that THIS past Valentine's Day, while I was attending kid events and feeling seriously sick to my stomach, he went off and had an overnight date with some woman in another city. He can do that, even while he's fighting me over the settlement and nowhere near to legally divorced (not even close). Quality guys are not like that. I deserve quality, and I owe it to my kids to make sure that the adult men in their lives are quality too.

I keep thinking how horrible it is that the greatest damage done to me in my life was by a person who promised in front of God and everybody to protect me. Whose main responsibility in life is to care for us (in partnership with me, of course). I'm struggling to not say I won't forgive him -- but what I think I mean by that is that I am currently angry with him, and I need this anger at the moment to power through all the challenges in front of me. And I fear letting go of the anger, because I think it's masking a huge well of grief and I'm afraid of what it will feel like to face that. Maybe while the kids are away with STBX for his family vacation I'll dip my toe in it. For now I can't afford to. If I crack a little I am worried that it will turn into too much of a break to bring myself back together quickly.

The kids are being more open about missing their dad. They had a kid achievement last week and S9 asked several times if we could all eat out together after "because it had been so long since we'd been together as a family." Later that evening I told him that I was hurt and angry by things his dad had done, and just as he sometimes needed to be away from his siblings when he is angry with them, I needed to be away from his dad. I was careful to say that that was between STBX and me, and that the kids should feel whatever they felt about him without worrying about if that was OK with me. I said it was important to me that they be happy with their dad and that I don't want to get in the way of that, but that for myself I needed space from him. They smiled when I said it and I think it was OK. I hope it really is. I need that boundary. I can't be around him. I have no respect for him. If he were an acquaintance I'd met, the dad of one of the kids' friends, for example, I wouldn't want to be around him either.

I hope it wasn't because of me, but when the kids had another end of year celebration that he'd considered attending (not during his scheduled time), he told me the day before that he had decided not to attend.

If it was because of me, I can't control that. It is his choice, as was all the rest of it. But in my view he is missing an important part of who his children are growing up to be.

D12 had an episode with the babysitter in which she was VERY snotty and disrespectful. After I got the sitter out the door I had a long talk with D12. It was the sort of episode that previously would have turned into a huge fight, but I remembered what a few people have said to me about the power of silence, so I employed it, and lo and behold, she opened up about some stuff. I will say that she was right in what she was initially angry about, but because she was so very disrespectful her point was utterly lost. We talked about that some, and we talked about compassion too. She wanted to say that she would give respect when it was earned, but I said, no, you give respect to all people just because they are people.

My sitter is not an easy personality either, but she serves an important function in our household and she has had a very difficult life (she's in her 60s). D12 said, yes, her life is difficult, but she doesn't always make good choices. I said that may be true, but that you never know how you're going to react in a difficult situation and we all do the best we can with what we know. D12 is still pretty skeptical (which is appropriate on many levels), but I think the lesson got in. What she does with it is up to her. I can't believe I stayed so calm. It's like a miracle.

As angry and hurt as I am by this turn in my life, I will agree that it is a kind of a rebirth, and one for which I am grateful. I think even before he left, I felt a certain kind of regret at things my life was going to lack in order for me to sustain the marriage. Now those things are possible again, and I do appreciate that. But in this time of uncertainty and HUGE effort, it is hard to keep those intangibles front and center. I can only hope that the end is approaching so the effort becomes more manageable. I feel weak compared to the many women who are utterly abandoned and have to manage their families on multiple minimum-wage jobs, but as strenuous as things feel right now, I am indeed grateful for a lot.

Final thing. In two weeks I leave for a "vacation" with my parents and brothers. My brothers have been fabulous. My parents have been completely absent. Here I am with all this work and anxiety on my plate, and they have been completely disengaged. I'm less important to them than a step-niece's wedding. They are ZERO help, except in passing on the second-hand advice they've gotten from their new friends in their retirement neighborhood (which tells me they've been gossiping about my situation). It makes it hard for me to want to call them. I don't need to be the center of the universe, but this has been the most demanding, painful thing I can imagine ever having to go through, there are a TON of physical and logistical challenges involved, hurt, rejection, self-examination, etc., and my mom's general attitude is that she doesn't want to come visit me because I don't say, "Yes, Mom, it would be WONDERFUL to have you come visit." She doesn't seem to understand how difficult it is for me to muster up that kind of enthusiasm about anything.

I have been considering starting my St. Johns Wort again. I didn't realize how much it helped me through the thick of all this last year.

I am struggling some, but I also am doing better than I was a week ago. I am anxious to be through this part of my life. I just want to settle into a place that is mine and move forward.