W's birthday is Wednesday. Should I say happy bday in a text or if I happen to see her dropping off the kids? Or just let it be? It's been only about a week of not much talking, but I was out on her bday 5 years ago, and didn't come home till late. She was upset, never conveyed that to me until recently. So if it would be better or not to just wish a happy bday, don't know. Something simple, maybe have the girls pick out cards for her? Me not say anything, but something from them? Ideas are welcomed.
I think it's great to have the kids make it pick out some kind of present from them. I don't think you can or should go out of your way to say anything. If there's some other texting or discussion, you can throw it in there. But I don't think you should send anything specifically to wish her a happy bday.
Found someone to rent the house I'm in now. Might have found a decent place to live to. The only problem is I have two weeks, which is okay, I need out of this place. But a lot to do in the next few days. And I gotta find some help, but it will work out. I'm excited to get my own place and try to move on a bit, but still afraid of the future. I will say today and yesterday, I have been more positive, better moods, and just want to be around other people. Maybe I'm turning a corner. Hope everyone is well.
Okay had a bit of back slide today. We texted a bit. I did bring up a few things, but mainly about where I am. She did say she was just worried about making it the next ten weeks, finishing school. She is getting a masters in nursing, 3 days a week of clinical and 2 days a week in work, plus on call most weekends. I have to at least make it ten weeks of leaving her alone to let her do her work. I just don't know how I can do it, but I am willing to make a serious effort. She also said she is okay with where things are. My PMA, is telling me maybe I still have a chance here, slim to none, but I believe it's their.
Now I need to get what I want done. I have my MRI for back in a few days. I'm doing very well on porn addiction. I'm want to quit my chewing tobacco habit, and get some cavities on my teeth filled. I have to come up with money for the teeth thing though, I have been researching and it might be costly with my terrible dental plan. I need to make an appointment somewhere though and see exactly how much it will cost. I have been trying so hard to stay positive. I'm actually excited to find a new place to live, wanting to take care of myself. Maybe even do a couple of projects. If I get the place I looked at, won't know till tomorrow, I can out in a temp fence for the dogs. Clean up the place a little and get it taken off rent. I can be very handy if I need to be, and I am happy doing that. Just need to make it at least ten weeks. Not bother her, upset her, or add anything to her plate. I can do this. At least with a little help.
How do you go about forgiving yourself? All the really bad mistakes I made, and they are killing me. I get positive for a bit, and then bam, the brains goes to what I did, and how stupid I was. It seems to be getting better though. Maybe time helps, trying to make things right with myself.
Had swim lessons with my D's tonight. Holy cow was the water cold. My poor little one was a crying mess, but in the end she wanted to play. The oldest was just happy to be in the water. The W showed up after work, was cordial with her. She was a bit under the weather, told her that's stinks. She talked about her bday cake from work, talked about school, and that she was tired. I had to ask about her cats finally, the girls arms were scratched up, and I just wanted to make sure it was the cats. Her arms were pretty tore up to. She actually showed me photos of them on her phone. She even said see you later, hasn't said that since she left.
I found a place to live. Pretty good deal, good location, and close to everything need to be near. I just don't know how in the heck I'm getting everything moved out by next Saturday. But I'm glad, happy it worked out for me. Now to just get the rest going.
Swimming lessons with the girls again tonight. Had lots of fun with them. So glad they are both taking to the water.
I feel like crap though. It's the W's bday and I won't say anything to her. But I was such a terrible husband, it feels wrong to not say anything. But I also know it doesn't matter right now. Just need to let it go. Along with all the mistakes I made.
Work on forgiving yourself Roid. You're human and did the best with the tools you had at the time. We can ALL look back with hindsight and see the mistakes we made.
Doesn't mean we can change them though. Doing so also takes the focus off of what we actually can change - how we live today and who we become.
Sorry to hear you're struggling today, glad you had fun with your girls.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Only one hour left for the W's bday. I haven't and won't say a word. Besides I have way to much to worry about for me. I don't know what I'm going to do to move, but I will get it done some way.
So nervous, getting a new place. I'm missing my W, the cleaner I get toward my porn addiction, the better I feel. I know that I can't change her or get anything out of it. I just need to be the best me, it's possible, I can do this. Getting into my new place and taking care of me, and doing it right is the best thing I can do. Here's to making a new life better than the last one.
