Rebuilding my Castle...

[123Gwen]

Thinking of you Heather and sending you good thoughts.

[LoisB]

Thanks so much :-)

Turned in my self-eval. I was overthinking it. So, I thought about it for days and, then, gave myself a short amount of time to put it into print. I'm satisfied with what I wrote. Although, I think there are other areas I could have tooted my own horn.

I think what I need here is perspective.

Yesterday went OK. In some ways really well. I actually left the main office thinking maybe I was in much better shape than I thought. Maybe I was overreacting? Not the first time.

One thing that's hard about this job is the isolation. I work in an office of one...me. So, I never get to really get a feel for how I'm doing based upon my interactions with others. I could get an email from my supervisor where he has attitude, but I don't see that maybe he had a stressful morning previous to sending the email. Does this make sense? For someone who is already terrible with office politics and relies on my instinct/visual perceptions strongly...well, I can get it wrong. But, I don't know?

I sit in my sad little office alone, except for the one day of the week where I go to the main office and interact.

Still...I woke up this morning thinking of something Matt said the last time we interacted--over a month ago. I was having a moment of clarity myself where I felt I needed to offer my apologies for NOT getting how stressed he was, having the burden of ALL the finances on his shoulders. I get that now in a much different way since he left. Anyway. I told him that I was sorry I looked to him to be this parent of sorts, as opposed to a partner.

I wasn't expecting anything really. Just the chance to say, "I get that this wasn't all you."

He responded with..."It's all water under the bridge Heath" (HATE when he calls me Heath)..."I'm just sorry it took so much B.S. to get you there."

"To get me there?" Like this was all some orchestrated plan to "GET" Heather into some grown up panties?

I bring it up because, my initial reaction was one of guilt. "He's right. I was a terrible wife. Maybe he was just at his wit's end and all of this is somehow for the best."

I took that one comment and aimed it directly at my self-esteem.

This is where I lack decent perspective. I have one good day at the office and I begin to wonder if I'm wrong about EVERYTHING?

I'm not. I need to hang onto that. There are always things I could do better and there are things where I've been outstanding, especially given the pressure. This company hasn't been allllll bad and there are areas where it's been terrible. This isn't a black and white situation.

Bottom Line: When I looked at the criteria that they wanted me to self-evaluate...it was a bit silly in terms of all they expect. Remember the list I was given? I can't imagine there is another employee at this company expected to pull alllll of that off. I know there isn't.

Also, this has been a terrible situation for D12. I need to factor this in too. I've been so busy trying to fulfill their long-a$$ list that we just haven't had a life. We need a life.

Ok. I think some perspective is back. Thanks for listening.

Perused some more jobs with my morning cup of coffee.

[LoisB]

Oh, and Bea, if you are listening...I think Matt's response to my apology was really interesting in light of your sociopath research :-)

It was a sorta...I'm master of the Universe, a GOD if-you-will, and I'm orchestrating good and bad in light of what is best for everyone involved---even if it means I have to make huge sacrifices for the GOOD.

Seriously. Is it just me? Or, is there this thread of martyrdom? I've felt it before. This idea that he placed himself on the cross to "GET" Heather moving. Ewwww. That makes me a little sick to my stomach.

When I thought about it later, it occurred to me that, if it had been the other way around, I KNOW I would have responded with "I'm sorry too."

Just thought it was another interesting insight into the mind of a loon :-)

[job]

Heather,
I guess I have interpreted Matt's comment to you a bit differently. Here's what I came away w/after reading your posting.

Matt's comment: "I'm just sorry it took so much B.S. to get you there."

My take on that comment is that it took a lot of time and BS to get you to finally open your eyes and understand what it took for him to be a provider and what he had to deal w/on a day-to-day basis when living under the same roof w/a wife and two young daughters and then coming home. I get the impression that he didn't share a lot of what went on his every day world and the pressure he was under to perform and be the all he could be for the company as well as coming home to a family. Maybe he felt like you were in your own safe, little world being a mother and wife and not out there facing the cold, cruel world each and every day and wouldn't understand what it takes to do that. Maybe he thought he couldn't talk to you about such things because you wouldn't understand because you were at home taking care of the house and focused on the girls.

I think he's glad that you have finally gotten out of the home and working in the real world. He's happy that you now can fully understand what it takes to be a parent, run a home, take care of your daughter and yes work a full time job. He's happy that you can finally understand what it is to be the only one working outside the home, and yet, have all of the responsibilities put upon you to do things and try to do them right when you come home in the evenings.

Maybe both of you had high expectations as to what each of you would bring to the table in the marriage when those expectations weren't met, the communications between the two of you went south.

Again, this is just my opinion of what Matt meant and I don't think it was a bad comment at all.

[beatrice]

HI, glad you are OK - regarding the comment from your xh (is it finalised?)

I think it is a mix of entitlement/grandiosity sociopathic type behaviour and I also think it is a way for them to feel less guilty.

A couple of years back I got the same type of thing from my xh - that I am in a better place because of him. Now he is beginning to at least admit that he hurt people (including me).

It is hard for fragile people to move through the world. They don't have the mechanisms that are developed as a normal part of growing up and living life. Doesn't make what they do any less awful for us, but it helps to see that they do not have the responses that most of us do, or the resources to fall back on.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job and Bea,

I think there are some elements of all of the above.

Yes, I didn't understand what he was dealing with in the outside world. I agree. He must have felt very alone. But, he also used the situation, and I know this in my bones, to justify his drug use. If his wife was a deadbeat, then he felt he had the right to do drugs because he deserved the break.

I also know I have a tendency to take on wayyyy too much responsibility for things that aren't always mine to own. I have apologized for work issue until the cows come home and back and then back to the moon again. And, I think I've made up for it several times over.

And, that's where I think his fragile, addicted mind comes into play...he has rewritten history in that he has deleted the years I did work, up until D12 was 2 and, then, because her problems were dominating our lives and he refused to watch her in the evenings any longer because he couldn't handle her, I quit my job to be home with our special needs daughter. The reality was something he never fully embraced. He was also never there when I needed him to help me parent her. He simply didn't have the maturity, patience or whatever to handle a very difficult child. I remember one counselor (one of the many) telling me...in my 30 years, she is one of the hardest children I've ever had the privilege to know.

So, there's that. I took the brunt of parenting, while he was in the outside world. I remember wishing, at the time, for a partner who appreciated how hard it was to get up and do what I did day-in-and-day out. I wasn't home eating bonbons like he has depicted.

Plus, I hear the grandiosity of an alcoholic justifying his behavior.

Back to the perspective. It's complicated.

Epiphany this morning. It's not just finding a job I can do. It has to be a job that meshes with my lifestyle and parenting situation. I can DO the job I have...and I could do it stellar...if I didn't have to parent. But, I do and I need to find something that works in all arenas of my life.

[LoisB]

No, the divorce isn't finalized.

[job]

Have you thought about submitting your resume to an employment agency? There may be jobs out there that would allow you to work from home every day or not have as much responsibility. Looking at the classifieds is okay, but you have to also think about networking w/people in the community. Turn every stone over and you might be pleasantly surprised that the one stone you've not turned over is the one that will have the job opportunity you are looking for.

[LoisB]

Job,

I just sent you my resume with some thoughts on how to handle the "Why are looking after 8 months?"

I've been looking on journalism/book publishing and nonprofit job sites. I'm actually seeing quite a few things which could work. I will look into the employment agency idea.

I may use my aunt as an excuse. "I have this aunt without children in Asheville and she has asked me to move closer. She has offered to help with my daughter."

All true. Plus, she has an alcoholic husband who is verbally abusive and could some support. I could use some support with D12...but, we won't mention that :-)

[LoisB]

Received an email this morning that we are back to my sending my story list to the mentoring editor AND the managing editor. No explanation. Did my self-eval touch a nerve? IDK. Another wave of panic hit, mainly because I never get an explanation.

I'm looking at all these jobs that require some heavy lifting. I think I'm really looking for something that would come a bit easily so I can have a chance to regroup and breathe. I'm attracted to positions with more money and more power, but I might be better off with something less as opposed to more, right now.

A chance to regroup, breathe, get settled somewhere and, then, build from there sounds glorious.

That helps. I don't want to be in a position where I'm in charge of a million things. I wish I had listened to that inner voice when I took this job. But, still, I have loads of experience now.