You know Sunny (I still have to check myself, I still want to use the old name ) - I always sometimes have the impression when I read your description of your H's actions, that instead of not being civil, he is actively making sure he keeps you at arm's length. You are, after all, in sort of a "trial separation", right?
Hope you have a lovely vacation. A little less humid there than Florida?
instead of not being civil, he is actively making sure he keeps you at arm's length. You are, after all, in sort of a "trial separation", right?
It was supposed to be "trial" for four months but then we mutually agreed to extend it. In my mind, it's no longer "trial". I can't imagine he believes there's any hope for us either, his language has changed, it's now "my" house (not ours) and he references me as "name the kid"'s mom instead of W.
What would be the benefit of keeping me at arms length on purpose? Sincere question. I never bring up the R, or talk about a joint future. And he assumes I'm dating. Why distance me?
instead of not being civil, he is actively making sure he keeps you at arm's length. You are, after all, in sort of a "trial separation", right?
It was supposed to be "trial" for four months but then we mutually agreed to extend it. In my mind, it's no longer "trial". I can't imagine he believes there's any hope for us either, his language has changed, it's now "my" house (not ours) and he references me as "name the kid"'s mom instead of W.
What would be the benefit of keeping me at arms length on purpose? Sincere question. I never bring up the R, or talk about a joint future. And he assumes I'm dating. Why distance me?
He may very well not think there is any chance at reconciliation, but you are still in a separation as opposed to active divorce proceedings, and while it probably seems like forever, its been 6 months?
I hope you have a great vacation - you certainly deserve one.
You brought a smile to my face. I'm happy to hear how much you appreciate my posts.
{{{{Sunny}}}}
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Raliced, it does seem like forever. Six months of S plus 7 months before that. It's been over a year since BD. I guess I'm ready to friend zone and move along. And all indications are that he's also ready to move on. The mystery to me is why we can't be friendlier. Maybe the answer is time. I just have to wait.
I'm a little concerned this morning about some things that might be askew financially. We had agreed to keep things the same, but I see signs he might not have honored that.
Hi Sunnyb. I've been reading your thread and while I fully appreciate that you see your H and are there for the interactions , I would point out that you don't know what he's thinking. I'm not trying to offer hope but at the same time your H could be in an internal struggle. I presume he's not a psychotic type of person and has feelings
I've read a lot in here of how people had completrly now read their WAS actuons or words and the WAS had huge internal struggles
Just to revert to my own sitch , my EXW is completely stunned by my apparent detachment I never call , never text and never ask for help with anything. Before she left I would have been a bit co dependant and talked to her 5 or 6'times a day on the phone , looked after her more like a daughter than a wife with acts of service ( I know it was wrong now ) my point is she was treated like a queen when she was here and now she's gone I'm certain she thinks I'm not interested in an R As of a few weeks ago she would have been wrong
I'm just saying it can be cry difficult to KNOW what the WAS is thinking
Hi RD! You are correct, of course, I don't know what he's thinking. It just seems to me that if he had any thoughts of R, had any confusion whatsoever, he'd be trying to feel things out and I'd notice.
But maybe I wouldn't. He doesn't actually show emotion, and mine was alway met with derision. Lord help me if I ever cried in front of him. And I sincerely had no idea he was unhappy, he never showed it. So perhaps you are right.
But truth is, I'm past the point where I care if he's conflicted or not. I'm with Kelly Clarkson, if you don't know the answer...
Hope you have an awesome vacation! I've always felt that getting away helps me focus better, reframe, and regroup. Sounds like fun.
I also have the XH who used to ask me to do the same thing and I'd get the same response. It did piss me off as well. But there's no point in wondering what he could be thinking - a cheeseless tunnel for sure. In the end, it really wouldn't help you, would it?
Things are much better nowadays. I think time really does heal a lot of hurt.
Like you, my XH was very uncomfortable expressing deep emotions, and that included allowing me to express them. I called it derision then, but now I have the benefit of a lot of processing since. The one thing passive aggressive people are conditioned to do is stuff their emotions. Somewhere in their childhood, they were chastised, mocked or punished for expressing themselves - particularly with emotions that were anything other than happy. My in-laws loved their boys, but *THEY* were conditioned this way too. The only way anyone in their families had any type of emotional discussions was to have a few drinks under their belts.
The day we got a diagnosis on our D18 (at the age of 3), I literally crumpled to the shower floor in grief. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before. Instead of comfort, he chastised me and told me to get over it. I literally hated him for that for a really long time.
I now see that his conditioned lack of response had been so ingrained in him that he couldn't allow himself to head down that road with me or for me. Think about that for awhile. It took me years to forgive him, and it was much easier for me to understand once I had more information on the reasons behind the mask.
BTW, if this makes you feel better (probably not), D18 and I were invited over to a neighbor's house last night for dinner. He and his XW have been my neighbors for 15 years, though they've both moved out and moved back in. He's now in, as the XW of 40 years moved back to Nebraska a few months ago. Anyway, we were talking about our divorces, and I was mortified and surprised that talking about it made me cry. It hit me from out of nowhere, and fortunately, the neighbor decided to return our topic to one with more levity.
On a side note... he's a small business coach, helping self employed folks break through barriers and achieve better results. About halfway through dinner, he asked me if I had ever listened to any TED talks. I said yes, and asked if he had one in mind. He answered, Brene Brown. I had to look him in the eyes and say, "Well, apparently you're more than intuitive, because other than my IC last summer, you're the only one I've met in the real world who recommended her to me. Yes, vulnerability is a huge problem for me."
Weird stuff...
Anyway, enjoy!
Betsey
p.s. I slowly learned his true emotions when I'd connect the dots between his demeanor, facial expressions (extremely telling), what he'd say or not say and then his actions over the next 24-48 hours. When I got brave enough, I'd ask him slowly and gently, and then he'd let me in. Mind you, it wasn't about our marriage. I had to start at the ground floor and work this program where it concerned his parenting/issues relating to the girls and what we needed to do as parents.
Last edited by Underdog; 06/01/1506:51 PM.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets, I'm heading out on a road trip with a friend, but wanted to pop in briefly and say I'm so glad you came over to my new thread! And I'm always impressed with how much work you've put into Mr Wonderful after the D. I'm not sure I'm up for that. I'm possibly an instant rewards kind of gal but it seems like if I'm going to put that much effort into someone, I want him to be waking up beside me. Anyway, thanks for the wisdom, it's always appreciated!
We have a child with intellectual disabilities, and we will have to parent and make tough decisions together until we die (or God forbid, she goes first). I knew that making decisions together would be nearly impossible if I couldn't find a way to communicate WITH him. Otherwise, I truly doubt I would have done so.
He's way more compassionate than he used to be. Time has a way of mellowing even the hardest of hearts. I'm proof of that.
Have a wonderful trip!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
) - I always sometimes have the impression when I read your description of your H's actions, that instead of not being civil, he is actively making sure he keeps you at arm's length. You are, after all, in sort of a "trial separation", right?