Rebuilding my Castle...

[job]

The meeting this week is not just about this event. It is about your lengthy probation and to see where you are at right now and to get your feedback to compare to their feedback on your progress. Businesses have assessments at the end of probations. It gives both parties a reality check as to where the employee is after so many months.

If they want you to take photos, then they should be providing you w/a good camera to use, since it's paper related.

I hate to say this...but they think you aren't doing some of the work and getting others to do it for you. I think this mentality goes back to when you had a story and didn't recognize the person who wrote it or some such back in the winter. Mistakes happen, but there are some humans that will hold such mistakes against you even though they were just mistakes.

Well, it will be interesting to see how your assessment goes. I do hope it goes well for you.

[LoisB]

Honestly, Job, I don't think so.

I received the email about meeting within a few hours of the whole picture issue.

I think they may be concerned I'm not attending the gov't meetings/civic meetings like they'd like which is true. I live about 40 minutes away and I'm just not.

Mainly, the sense I get is that the email/picture incident got them realizing they need to deal with this issue. I've been put off a lot. And, I still think they are unsure what to do about me. I'm not their stellar employee, but the community likes me.

As far as the incident with the other reporter. I was at my wit's end at the time and I haven't heard them question my ethics since. I rewrote the beginning of the story, which was something I had been given their blessing to do, but didn't give the other reporter credit at the end like I should have--I, honestly, forgot to because I had been trying like mad to keep up with everything else. Nothing remotely like that ever happened again. I apologized to the other reporter and it was a one-shot deal.

Truthfully, in my opinion, this weanie editor pointed out what happened with the pics and I will get a talking to...also, they sense my frustration and realize they need to deal with this probation.

I'm actually wondering what would happen if I asked to be demoted to part-time. I don't hate this job, but would love to be able to balance it with some freelance work. I've got too much on my plate and I wouldn't mind the chance to keep writing features for this paper, with some freelance work on the side. I don't know. Just thinking aloud.

[job]

Heather,
Here's my suggestion...get some free lance work under your belt and out there with income coming in and then ask about going part time. You need to have some income coming in from "another source" as a cushion until you are making more in that department. It takes time to make a name for yourself and gain some followers who want to read your articles. You don't want to stretch yourself too thin when it comes to money for your finances, etc.

I think it's a good idea...but you've got to have a monetary cushion before jumping off the pier.

[LoisB]

Ok. I'm friends with the landlady of my office building. They have been late for the past 3 months or so. One time, they were really late.

I've been looking jobs elsewhere, but I just don't have the energy or resources right now to move. As much as I'd love to avoid another winter here.

One thing I feel confident in...I've done a good job with this little paper. I've featured the good news. In my opinion, as editor, this community can get their news from the daily and they do. Seems like every resident has a subscription to the daily. What the community wants is some good news. More than 60% of the kids in this area are eligible for assisted lunches. Families are doubling up in rentals and homes because they can't afford the mortgage or rents. It's troubling. They want some good stuff to see in the paper.

I will relate this in the meeting.

Off to try a new church. Thanks Job :-)

[LoisB]

I was really down in the dumps today. I was even crabby to this really nice, cute man who paid me all these compliments on an online dating site. He lives in California and is only here for business. I blew him off. But, he was really nice.

I can't make a dammmed decision for my life. I feel like all I've been doing for the past 8 months...make that 3 years...is make life-altering decisions. I'm sick of it. I want to settle down, enjoy my life, enjoy my daughter and just freakin relax already.

I think the meeting this week and the 8 months of uncertainty with my situation has gotten to me. And, I'm scared. But, a bit relieved that I'm finally at a stage where I have to make a decision.

I don't think UP UP State NY is the place for us. But, what if???

Welcome to my brain.

And, it's been 8 months of this!! Constant questions running through my head. One minute, I'm full steam ahead, let's make this work in NY. I will be the best editor in Upstate NY. Then, I switch gears and realize how much I hate this job...Then, my brain switches again...Oh, it's not too bad. The community likes me! "They like me!!" Then, Tough it out Heather. You can do this! Then, Jeez, this company su--s. They're crazy with all that's expected. Heather, you're killing yourself and you're miserable. But! What if I'm making a mistake and ruining a great opportunity...BAH! This company is stupid.

I kinda feel like I'm doing what my daughter is doing at 20 years old. I'm figuring out what I want in life at 46. Actually, I think I always had it figured out, it was the acting upon it I've always struggled with...

If it was just me to worry about, it would be no big deal. I'd move to Asheville, NC in a heartbeat and build up writing clients and live on nothing until I became established. But, I have this person counting on me to create a decent home. I feel so behind and old.

D12 wants the heck outta here. Doesn't want another winter. Wants to be somewhere that homeschooling isn't considered freakish.

Sorry for the downer. It's where I'm at today. Bummed.

Good News though...I took the time yesterday and this morning to listen to some podcasts by writers I love and admire. I also got out my worn copy of Stephen King's On Writing--not much of a fan of his writing, but love his advice on writing. I see the path clearly...but, is it too late.

In King's book, he actually talks about how, when he was teaching school to make ends meet, he halted in his tracks because his worst fear...get this...HIS WORST FEAR...would be to near 50 years old or 60 and still be living in a double wide and broke. That's me!

Ok. I'm not living in a double wide...but, if I leave this job or lose it...that's where I'd be. But, finally, giving myself permission to write what I feel passionate about...

Then, I think. Would that be so bad? Part of me longs to start from where you're supposed to start...To finally be authentic to ME. Finding a clean, liveable, but cheap place in Asheville and work my way up.

I don't know. My brain is a mess today. Much like the weather here.

[LoisB]

And, I want my skin to clear up and lose a few of these stress pounds and have time to enjoy. Just enjoy.

I don't care if I'm working at Target or Walmart or wherever. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE ALREADY.

[LoisB]

My jaw is clicking. I've always been a teeth grinder and it's been terrible these past months. I need a new mouth guard.

[Lifes Twists]

Heather,

When it comes to this meeting and really anything about work, just think to yourself " What's the worst they can do to me?" They can't kill you, throw you in prison, or any other extreme thing you can think of. The worst they can do is fire you. If its at that point, you probably would not be too upset any how. You may even feel a sense of relief that it is over. Life will always go on because work is not life. So, don't sweat it, they are going to do what they are going to do and you will always find a way to continue moving forward.

[LoisB]

Thanks Life. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something differently? Did I screw up this opportunity? Have I just messed ip D12's life forever?"

I feel a bit the way I did when Matt left and still struggle with from time-to-time. Did I just screw up my opportunity for happiness. Which, I know, is a bit silly, but it's there.

I know I'd be happier and less stressed without this position. I've known that from the beginning when I began to see how incompatible this company and I are.

I've had a few moments knock on my door this week which I think are key to getting through this situation...

One, there was Bea's remark that I'm still looking for outside validation. I see it in everything I do. I seem to be desperately looking for someone or some job to tell me I'm valuable.

And...I did a feature story this week on a woman who was leaving a Tim McGraw concert and was in a terrible car accident. She lost her ability to walk. She is, remarkably, nicer to be around than she was before the accident. She and her husband get along better. She was a bit of a control freak and the accident made her aware of what is really important.

And...A friend back home...Someone I used to call my best friend...has lost her ability to walk. This is a woman who planned everything. I was always very jealous of how she had a job as a dental hygienist and earned this great money working part-time. She was the wife Matt wished he had.

Anyway, she was diagnosed with MS years ago and we were friends through much of it. We lost touch in the past year. I learned a week ago how she can't walk any longer. She is in a wheelchair. Her husband is alcoholic and a rager.

It's not so much that I'm counting my blessings, although I am...It's more, for me, realizing life rarely turns out as we expect. I had a lot of expectations coming to this job and state. Maybe that's where I need some adjustments. Maybe I need to let go and release the expectations. IDK.

[tadpole1025]

Hi Heather,

I really don't have anything to add, but I do know that every time that I was fired from a job or quit a job, I almost always ended up with a better one. Don't stress. (I know....easier said than done.) Things will eventually work out. They always do.

Take care.

Tad