That a tough one Mozza. I think you handled it well.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mediation report | It was cordial but icy between WW and I. We didn't really speak outside of answering the questions from the mediator. My wife is a mirroring world champion, so I believe that I've created this attitude through my own cordial but distant DBing. The session was fairly factual where the mediator tried to get to know us. The fact that we've been apart for 9 months helps a lot because we have already set up several routines and thankfully we're happy with most of them. We've covered child custody and it comes down to following the "week on / week off" schedule and showing some good faith flexibility for events like birthdays and Mother's Day. I explained that I've shown a lot of flexibility, even when it was difficult, so it was no a problem. But I didn't want some complicated obligations for every single holiday out there. The kids will alternate every year for the Holidays though. 2015 is her turn.
We talked about money and that's the part that worries me a little more. I heard a few reassuring things at the session though. We'll have to come back with an estimate of our income for 2015, because it changed so much from 2014.
I was a little disappointed that the mediator didn't ask how we got there. She alluded to it when she asked if the separation had been foreseen and I said no. But I would have thought useful to assess our states of mind that she asked whether it was a mutual decision for instance. Also, it would have given her a good idea of the dynamic between us and how the negotiations would go. Maye it's just my desire to unpack my hurt to everyone.
No crying by the way, although I welled up a bit when giving the information on the kids. It pains me to think of them in the context of the D. It reminds me that I'm losing half of them and of the potential impact on them.
Next appointment is on the 19th. We'll talk about money.
Detachment report | After the session, WW waited for me and brought up some small talks to engage me. We ended up talking 6-7 minutes. I have bad news: she has me wrapped around her finger, still. As much as I can say I wouldn't take her back, I can still feel at this moment that I would have a very hard time even pretending that I wouldn't if she opens the door. I love her and miss her and still can't compute in my assessment of her what she's done since BD.
Dating report | Right after mediation, I went to visit a woman I met online. We had seen each other a few times and we get along very well, lots of laughs and energy. It was good to have this in mind before mediation, to have this something pleasant as a point of focus, rather than the mediation. As I said before, dating does not displace WW in my heart, but if feels like mega-GAL. Very distracting.
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LisaB | I'm surprised and glad that my experimentation can be inspiring to you! I share them here in part to test my resolve and progress in my therapy of knowing what I want and asking for it, knowing that this is not the most welcoming environment for these experiences. I saw your latest post on your thread and I'll expand more over there.
CaliGuy | Thanks a lot for sharing this part of your story. I find it very inspiring. It must have been unnerving for you these two times. Sure, it might also happen to me. I find that WW would be eager to establish a warmer relationship between us, but I interpret it as trying to be nice, not to R. I don't yet see much regrets in her. Perhaps the mediation will provide us more reasons to interact and she will remember something...
Barry | How glad I was to see that you were back. Those were very nice words. I tend to see the vets as the real heroes, the coaches around here and us LBS cheering from the sidelines. It's heartwarming to think that I could have been helpful. You've gown a lot in many ways in the last few months.
SunnyB | Thanks a lot for your idea. I thought it was excellent and it inspired much of what I said in the end. D7 obviously doesn't think OM is off limits because just yesterday she was pointing at candies that he bought them... Also, any interest in continuing our conversation about married men?
mahhhty | Thanks for your support. It's nice to see you around.
Wonka | Thanks for the hijack! I'll include them in the top post of my next thread. I'm very happy for these two. It's so good for all of us to see people who DB and progress towards R.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hey Mozza....wow you have had a lot going on! I'm glad that your dating is helping to ease the sting of seeing your STBX at mediation. It's always hard when you have children. There is no complete escape. It sounds like you are feeling better about your self as a man though and that's great.
I read what you wrote about cheating in the DNA. I think that some people are more prone to cheating due to issues within themselves. Character flaws or immature emotionally. I also agree with what Lisa said about what you saw growing up and how it can influence your sense of right and wrong.
It's funny that you knew that I would feel something with my STBX again. I honestly know I will be ok no matter what but I felt the strangest strongest pull. It makes me wonder if he has had that happen too. Now that his last fling moved across country and didn't seem to be too concerned about leaving him behind.
I've taken a break from the online thing. I'm just keeping busy and enjoying being me right now. I am going to Mexico next month with my D and SD. Then my Son is coming from the UK for two weeks with his GF. Then I am flying to the UK in Sept and my Son and I will be going on a side trip to the French Rivera....so lots to look forward to. DB all the way! Hahaha
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
So Mozza just thinking. If as you predicted I have been thinking about my STBX after the Fireman. Would my STBX not being going through something similar since his " no expectations" romance fizzled out?
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Still here. I kind of dread the end of this thread because creating my first post with the success stories is always time consuming!
Karma12 | Thanks for the prompt. Yes, I think it's possible that, in the absence of a romantic prospect, the WAS will turn back to their LBS. This is not very scientific though, just a generic observation that few people seem to be able to be fully on neutral, romantically.
SunnyB | I saw your response. Very good! I'm glad you you're taking such a curious and honest approach to your dating, not or in the future. It's important to do it for ourselves first.
Vanilla | Thanks for stopping by!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
