Fogg, SadDood, and lost, thanks for your thoughtful comments. SD, your friend's sitch does sound a lot like mine. Hopefully he is hearing about DB earlier in the game than we did. I have been off the grid because my mother is quite Ill. She had surgery today (doing OK thank G-d, but not out of the woods). These events in our life really force us to focus, don't they? I am doing pretty well, considering. Since I gave W my ultimatum, I have not seen any changes, and I don't expect to. Frankly, I am look not looking for changes any more. I am not interested in being with her anymore. I have decided to devote my energies to minimizing the fallout of the D for me and my children. I think the quicker we D the better. This is not a healthy environment for the kids. Prominent members of my community have approached me to show support. The whole community knows about the A - my W is not discreet enough and has been spotted by many - and it is only a matter of time before it gets back to my kids. I still trigger every now and then. But I just focus on a time when I am no longer living with W and when I have found someone else - even though this will be awhile. I will be okay. Hope all my DBer friends are hanging in there on their own journeys.
Thanks Fogg. Mother is improving, thank G-d. I stopped by your thread. In doing so I realized that I have a lot of friends on this board. Many of you, I consider buddies (even though I don't know your real names ). I started to wish some of you happy Father's day, and I realized that it will be difficult to get to all your threads tonight. I know for many of us it will be a difficult father's day. So here is wishing each and every dad on the board a happy Father's day!
raliced has been a very helpful friend to me in my sitch. I am so thankful for her sage advice. Today, she lost her father suddenly. Please stop by her thread and convey your support and condolences.
I have really been trying to detach, and for the most part I am doing better. Every time I find something suspicious in the house, I trigger and regret it. So I am still snooping, but much less. I totally agree with Ripken: detaching is so hard when you are in the same house. I really want to be in a different house, but I don't want it to jeopardize custody in any way, and my L has advised against it.
It seems like the whole community knows what is happening - a number of individuals have approached me personally. It is so shameful. Others have approached her, on their own volition, and W still denies that the A is happening. Prominent community members are wondering why it has taken me so long to take any action against her. I doubt they would understand much about DB. It seems like my W has dug her heels in completely. That is fine with me. I am just worried (more paranoia) that she is conspiring with my ILs to screw me over very badly. It is very unsettling not knowing what/if they are planning. my step-MIL, whom I have mentioned before, is very crafty and a pretty nasty person. I don't think she would have any qualms about destroying me or my reputation. Rumors are already spreading in my hometown, where my MIL lives, and they have come back to me through other channels. My WW is passive and non-confrontational, but her actions speak pretty clearly.
I am very concerned that my children are going to find out about the D before I have a chance to tell them. I will feel really badly if this happens. I am already troubled by the fact that the kids are being exposed to this toxic environment daily, without understanding why. They must be terrified by the uncertainty. This is not the model of how parents or a family should be. Every day that they are witness to the complete breakdown of our M is another day that they forget what a real relationship should look like. I want to tell the children.
Does anyone have any input regarding the timing of telling the children? Are there any resources available - on this board or elsewhere - on how to tell the children? Are there any major mistakes to avoid? I wanted to meet with the psychologist first, but she will not be available until after July 6, which seems like a lifetime. I am worried about something happening before that. Is meeting with a psychologist beforehand recommended? Am I waiting for nothing? Should I bite the bullet and just tell the kids, with W present?
I did a prelim search on the internet and found only some superficial stuff from psychology today, HuffPo, parenting mags. Am I looking in the wrong places. Any resource would be appreciated. Perhaps I should take the risk and just wait until I meet with the psychologist??
On second thought, I don't know which is the actual risk: a) talking to my children without the advice of a psychologist b) not talking to my children and having them find out on their own, exposed to misinformation
Looking for the star inside of me. Not really finding it. A lot of fear.
Hope you get some answers on this question soon. My children are younger so I haven't looked into this that much.
This is just my uninformed opinion but I would say have a game plan before you talk to them. So if that means waiting to talk to the psychologist, then wait. You cant control if they get misinformation from outside sources so try to focus more on making sure the information coming from you (even if its a little later) is done right.
Last edited by Fogg; 06/25/1507:51 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg, I will wait for now. Do you know anyone on the board who has dealt with this recently?
Quote:
You cant control if they get misinformation from outside sources so try to focus more on making sure the information coming from you (even if its a little later) is done right.
I am just worried that my older boys will be devastated if they hear about it and feel they have been kept out of the loop about it the whole time. "You knew about D the whole time and you did not tell us anything?" - and that would be the best case scenario. What if they hear outright lies? I know I cannot control what they hear elsewhere, but I can control what they hear from me, and right now all they hear is my PMA and resounding silence. I have a friend whose mother is a WW and she told me that she wished her parents had told her sooner.
RAI - I have been wrestling with this as well. I did let my oldest know that there are problems - he does not live with us and was only slightly aware. He appreciated the heads up.
We were planning to go to family counseling to figure this conversation out and deal with it, but this never happened. Now the kids are just watching our disintegration. Sad, but I do let them know they can turn to me and I encourage them to ask questions.
I know my kids are older and this would be so much harder with younger kids.
Take Care!
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
). I started to wish some of you happy Father's day, and I realized that it will be difficult to get to all your threads tonight. I know for many of us it will be a difficult father's day. So here is wishing each and every dad on the board a happy Father's day!