Just a few comments (apologies - I've only had time to skim the last few pages this morning).
Can you be more specific about the lawyer's advice conflicting with DB? It's not really a one size fits all kind of thing.
Your finances - a few threads back you said you were needing to educate yourself about the household finances, and now you mention your MIL has your credit card. I'm somewhat glad to hear that you know how much is in savings, but please reassure me you have a full handle on the household expenses (how much is being spent, where the funds are coming from, what the bills actually are, whose name is on what etc.
Now that you've told her all of this - don't repeat yourself. If the time comes - it should be her who initiates the discussion.
One last thing - about telling the kids. This is entirely from my own perspective and is influenced by my situation. When STBX left, I pushed for not telling the kids the full truth and just saying that he had to live closer to work for the time being. I viewed it as "keeping the road home smooth". This blew up when my daughter was the one who revealed him to be living with his girlfriend when she asked me if he loved her more than me because he stroked her arm and slept in the same bed as her. Your situation is not as extreme (although it is pretty bad, as you suspect OM to be in your house when you aren't there). All I can say, is that now, I regret not telling D7 the truth from the beginning. I thought I was protecting her, but instead I became another adult who lied to her about her life. I won't do that again.
Bravo on throwing it out there ... thats called 'taking a stance'
Now....
Originally Posted By: raliced
Now that you've told her all of this - don't repeat yourself. If the time comes - it should be her who initiates the discussion.
X2 with the biggest blow horn I can use
You have just drawn the line in the sand, stated your boundaries .. your terms and conditions ... she will test you ... believe me .. its coming .. hold your ground like your life depends on it .. because in many ways life as you know it .. want it .. it does.
Any waiver ... compromise... flinch your WW will run with it. Dig in and get ready.
I get a sense that you and I feel similar about our WS. I am at the point where I am finally ready to move on. I think the ultimatum was more for me than for WW, I don't think there is a snowball's chance in h-e-double-hockey-sticks of her actually stepping up and meeting my conditions. Even if she did, I would say no reconciliation. It was just liberating for me to know that I gave her every opportunity. Hand it to her, WW never misses an opportunity to miss and opportunity. I don't think she is a very good person, to boot.
For the first time on this site, I am saying unequivocally that I am done. I don't even feel too bad about it. It is sad, but I am ok with it. I know my worth, and I am worth way more.
Originally Posted By: Raliced
Can you be more specific about the lawyer's advice conflicting with DB?
Sandi (and others) suggested that I cut her phone off and make he feel consequence of her actions. My L is suggesting that if I have more concerns about her ability to parent, I will need real-time evidence that she is a pretty absent mother. Her texting record is very supportive of this.
Quote:
Your finances - a few threads back you said you were needing to educate yourself about the household finances, and now you mention your MIL has your credit card. I'm somewhat glad to hear that you know how much is in savings, but please reassure me you have a full handle on the household expenses (how much is being spent, where the funds are coming from, what the bills actually are, whose name is on what etc.
Yes, I am developing a better handle on things. I am also discussing with my L. i can't elaborate now, because I got paged. More to come...
Can you be more specific about the lawyer's advice conflicting with DB?
Sandi (and others) suggested that I cut her phone off and make he feel consequence of her actions. My L is suggesting that if I have more concerns about her ability to parent, I will need real-time evidence that she is a pretty absent mother. Her texting record is very supportive of this.
RAI- I have a few more comments, but gotta get the rented steam cleaner back to the store. On this one - I would definitely go with the lawyer's advice. If you live an area where they actually take that kind of evidence into account - take full advantage of it. That being said- I would check with your lawyer to see if you could just subpoena her phone records if it comes to it. After all, she'd probably be even more indiscreet on her own account.
Now that you've told her all of this - don't repeat yourself. If the time comes - it should be her who initiates the discussion.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
X2 with the biggest blow horn I can use
raliced and Cali,
I will *never* repeat the ultimatum again. I was very clear with my demands. That said, she will never initiate. Too weak. Too far gone. I was going to say I've lost her, but it may be more appropriate to say she's lost me.
Originally Posted By: raliced
One last thing - about telling the kids. This is entirely from my own perspective and is influenced by my situation. When STBX left, I pushed for not telling the kids the full truth and just saying that he had to live closer to work for the time being. I viewed it as "keeping the road home smooth".... All I can say, is that now, I regret not telling D7 the truth from the beginning. I thought I was protecting her, but instead I became another adult who lied to her about her life. I won't do that again.
thank you for sharing that experience. I will definitely learn from it. Mozza and others have shown me that "not rocking the boat" has gotten me nowhere and even lowered my WWs respect for me. Furthermore, I really do not like lying (even so-called white lies), especially since my W does it so liberally. Lying has become a real trigger for me, so I try to stay away from it. I already told my W that we need to talk to the children. MWD sent out a bulk email with a sample script for how to tell children without lying. (I am happy to include MWDs original version in its entirety if anyone is interested - I assume most have seen it). Here is a script I am preparing based on MWDs advice.
Quote:
Mommie and I have not gotten along in a long time, and we have been disagreeing lately on a lot of things, mostly what should happen with our marriage. And you can’t have a marriage without both people agreeing on the marriage. The last thing we ever wanted to do was to cause you pain. We love you so much. You are the most important treasures in my life. That is never going to change. (We tried very hard to make things work), but we just could not agree. Since it takes two people to want to make a marriage work, and we don’t have that, we have decided that what we need to do is to get a divorce. We love you so much etc...
I don't think I need to mention to the kids what their M is doing, but I suspect they already know. And if they don't, they will figure it out as they get older. If the kids do ask me, I am certainly not going to be complicit in her lying to them. I can always tell them to ask their M.
I have another unrelated question for the wiser amongst you. Since booting WW from BR, she has taken to sleeping with the kids in their beds. There is a spare bedroom in the basement, but I don't think she mentally capitulated the BR, so she is still going to sleep on the living room sofa, and ends up in D6 or S3's bed sometime in the middle of the night. I would not care where she sleeps, but I think it is unhealthy for D6 and S3 to have their M sleep in their bed. They are already excessively attached to her, and I think this is fostering an even more unhealthy attachment for them. Is this a boundary I should enforce for the kids' sake?
If she contests, I can retort: "Really? do you really think it is healthy for kids to have their mother sleeping in their beds every night? You are an adult - find your own place to sleep."
I am not sure how to advise about re: your W sleeping with your children. Hmmm. I get your point, but 6 y/o and 3 y/o doesn't seem over-the-top to me. Others may disagree.
As for how to inform your children, I think what you posted is good:
"Since it takes two people to want to make a marriage work, and we don’t have that, we have decided that what we need to do is to get a divorce. We love you so much etc"
Children will think it is somehow their fault. I would also mention that it is not their fault at all.
What do others think?
Hang in there RAI!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Easy to say, now that they've been eliminated. You are now my favorite Backhawk's fan. Go Original Six!!! (except Toronto and Boston)
Originally Posted By: Bob723
Children will think it is somehow their fault. I would also mention that it is not their fault at all.
I actually have more in the script that I did not include, for brevity's sake to the effect of "We love you so much and you are not to blame. You are the best children in the world. etc...". Yeah, it is a work in progress, though.
Easy to say, now that they've been eliminated. You are now my favorite Backhawk's fan. Go Original Six!!!
I actually have more in the script that I did not include, for brevity's sake to the effect of "We love you so much and you are not to blame. You are the best children in the world. etc...". Yeah, it is a work in progress, though.
LOL RAI, no I wasn't named after Bobby Hull, and I see your point--But I still think you'd be my favorite Canadiens' fan if they were in the Final. Of course, I'd be rootng for the Hawks. What a Final series that would be, huh?
Anyway, back to your sitch, I'm glad to hear that you planned to include that, too.
I wish you all the best!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
),