Hi, Wet -- I still pray for you and your wife everyday, and I thought I would just let you know that I am still doing that. I still believe that if you turn your face to God and let her go, God will be able to do his work on her and your marriage will be restored. It will take a long time, but that's okay, during that time you have your own transformation to undertake. And you are doing that a lot, and you should feel proud of that.
I recently watched a friend of mine (who i believe is in MLC) do just what your W is doing -- she ended things with her husband and immediately inflicted the OM on them. She brought him to a soccer game, very similar to yours. Except for one thing. She has two little sons, ages 5 and 9, and he had children of the same age, all of them were at the game, so awkwardly and miserably trying to kick the ball around together and in between those two trying to show how comfortable they were touching each other in front of those little kids. So they are both going through their MLC or whatever darkness they are going through, and devil-may-care what it is doing to all those very sweet little kids to have to hear her introduce him to me as "my boyfriend," as if she didn't have a husband and as if she and her husband didn't help me together when I had cancer just six months ago. But you know what was interesting to me -- I felt SO CLEARLY how very wrong the whole thing was, like a Twilight Zone of what was supposed to be happening. It made my own path seem so wonderful, with all its pain. I couldn't see any happiness in them, just a desperate need to show they were happy. Watching her with this man at the game, I was sick to my stomach, and not because of my own situation. I could feel viscerally that what she was doing was wrong, for her, for the OM, for their spouses, everyone -- for all of us, because the breakdown of families hurts our culture on every level. And I also felt in my bones that it was clear they would be doing it for a while, but that at some point the truth would begin to dawn on everyone that their kids didn't want to blend families and that the new person had just as many faults as their spouses did. I felt I could see it all just as God does, with sorrow and hope and love for all involved, however lost they are.
I feel that when I read about your situation. The only thing I wish was that you could be less focused on her and less ready to have and/or joke about feelings of vengeance, etc. I think you should always be kind to her, always her friend. God loves your humility and knows your pain, he is there with you to undertake the intense trial you are undertaking, to continue to stand even when the pain is totally unbearable. Remember that that's what God did for us too in Christ, stood when it was totally unbearable to stand.
And there is a great article on this site that is the secular version of that.
I'm not saying I am good at this. My heart is barely able to beat at this point, it is so broken. But I bring myself back to what God wants of me seven times seven times a day. I just keep lifting myself back up and toward the light. It will take a very very long time, maybe years, but I truly and firmly know in my heart that if you undertake what God is asking of you, that you can have faith that he will do the work on your wife and the scales will lift, the fog will clear, she will see the truth and all your kindness through her dark period and she'll know who she should be growing old with.
With love and strength for you and for your wife,
Gerda
Last edited by Gerda; 05/31/1502:34 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Hi Kat, yes my work sitch has changed. I had a nice office in a nice office building. But my boss/landlord thought it would be better if I now work out of my apartment. He understands he can get more rent from having other financial planners use the office.
It is disappointing, b/c they just started a marketing plan to get my name out there more, and had a major mailing ready to go out. But then they pulled the plug. Yes, it will likely mean less revenue for me.
But I can't look for another job right now, as I should be having another spinal surgery in June. So in a way, I have a sense of freedom about this, where now it will be much easier to work out, spend time with s13, and trust that something better is on the horizon.
Hi, Wet -- I still pray for you and your wife everyday, and I thought I would just let you know that I am still doing that. I still believe that if you turn your face to God and let her go, God will be able to do his work on her and your marriage will be restored. It will take a long time, but that's okay, during that time you have your own transformation to undertake. And you are doing that a lot, and you should feel proud of that...
With love and strength for you and for your wife,
Gerda
Gerda, what a blessing you are! Thank you for remembering my W and I in your prayers. It is kinda funny that you bring up the process of letting my W go taking a long time. You know, I pray that I be able to hear and listen to God's voice in my choices. And when last week W brought her om to s13's baseball game, I was angry. And I started thinking,
"ok Lord, is this the sign that I am waiting for, that now is the time to move forward with the divorce?"
But yes, a couple of items caught my attention after this. First, I like reading old Christian sermons and I was reading something from Huldrych Zwingli who was preaching on Matthew 10:22 ("Whoever is steadfast until the end will be saved.")
He brought up so many good points that it helped me to see more clearly that I just need to be a bit more patient starting with today. Here is an example of something Pastor Zwingli taught - "No virtue is a virtue if it is not executed with steadfastness." It drove home the point that I need to keep standing for my marriage and my family for now.
Then I also read an article on the 7 ways to save your marriage if your spouse has left you, in the Christian Post. The message was along the same lines as taught here - work on yourself, leave your spouse alone, and be patient. The writer's main point was to stay "just a little longer." And that if you stay a little longer and do the right things in working on your life, that there can be success. So Gerda, you are in good company in advising me to be patient.
Thank you also for sharing the story of one of your friends who helped you in your battle with cancer six months ago. There is comfort in knowing other people are going thru this too, and that I am not alone.
Finally, you also gave me some other advice that I am going to think more about. I will try and post my thoughts on the rest of your post later. Thank you, and God bless you, your health and Marriage.
...I feel that when I read about your situation. The only thing I wish was that you could be less focused on her and less ready to have and/or joke about feelings of vengeance, etc. I think you should always be kind to her, always her friend. God loves your humility and knows your pain, he is there with you to undertake the intense trial you are undertaking, to continue to stand even when the pain is totally unbearable. Remember that that's what God did for us too in Christ, stood when it was totally unbearable to stand.
And there is a great article on this site that is the secular version of that.
Hi Gerda, you bring up an interesting question of whether W and I should continue to be friends when she is cheating on me. Thank you for posting MWD's article on the power of continuing to remain friends as an aid to reconciliation.
But in DR MWD primarily focuses on "going dark" when there is a cheating spouse. I have done both the friendship and going "dark", but currently I have gone dark with my W. Allow me to share some of my background to show how I got here, and my decision to stay “dark” with my W.
My W walked out on me (after our house was foreclosed) and took the kids in June 2013. After the initial shock, I talked to her frequently , I would send her funny email links/stories, I paid her bills, I paid child support before she went to court, and anytime she needed help I would go help her. This was all pre-DB. I was W's friend.
W started the dating website thing around March 2014, and was going out most nights on dates. I freaked out. I gave her a stipulated Marital Termination Agreement, and told her to sign it. She refused.
We released each other of our marital vows for 3 months (April thru June 2014), with the plan of ending our marriage at the end of this trial divorce. I cut back on my communications with her; I joined a dating website (it is amazing how effective having other women as a distraction in my life was a great way to stop thinking about my W.) But I was still her friend, if she asked I would help her.
Then I found DB last June. My W had to move out of her sister's place and find a new place to live July 2014, and so I thought I would make my "move". A spirit-filled widow friend told me to "go tell your wife that you love her, and want to be back with her." So I scheduled a date with W, told her that I loved her, and that we should be back together. W was confused, and deflected what I said by telling me her "war-stories" of a number of dates she had been on. But she loved her “new” dating life-style, receiving attention from younger men, and she did not want to be back with me.
Then in July 2014, I was still being the friend/doormat. I helped W move into her new place. At the time she was selling a rare breed of kitten, and I helped cart over 8 kittens to one of her boyfriend's houses, so she could sell her kittens from there (her new place did not allow pets.)
While I was waiting for W at the boyfriend’s house, W was meeting a customer to sell a kitten. W left her phone in the car, and while I was waiting I snooped her phone. I discovered the full extent of her new lifestyle. I also confirmed from another source of her infidelity. I went ballistic, and all I could remember from my short time trying to DB was the only phrase I could spit out – “I am no longer your friend.”
So my being my W’s friend for over 1 year after our BD/separation did nothing to help. She was still dating other men most nights, not giving attention to our children, and only calling me if she needed something.
So with my discovery of the full extent of what was going on in my W’s life, I did the only thing I could to save myself – I went “dark” and stopped having contact with my W (except, of course, if it dealt with our kids). It has not helped my R with my W. But it has been a big help to me in staying sane. I no longer have sleepless nights, I no longer think about what my W is doing, and my emotions have stabilized. I don’t think I would have made it this far along without the help of DB, going dark, and the support of the people on this Board.
So yes, I sometimes wonder if I should stop being dark with my W, and instead try and re-kindle our friendship. But for me, that would be the easy way out. I need to let my W live her life, and I need to keep working on myself.
Yes, you are correct that I use jokes/funny lines as a defense mechanism. The anger/vengeance I showed was me being real with my emotions. I am really just a big teddy bear, and I quickly calmed down from the emotional shock when W told me a week ago that she was bringing her om to s13’s baseball game. I don’t think you have to worry about me losing my temper with my W or anyone she sees. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.
Hi Gerda, I really enjoyed the Pastor Rick Astley sermon that you provided the link to above. It helped me to more clearly see why God is opposed to divorce.
I also wanted to clarify two things - first, I have been on only one date, and this was when my W and I released each other of our marital vows. The date was a disaster, and I knew then that I was not ready, and also unavailable.
My prayer life for my W has also changed over the past 2 years of our separation. Initially, I was in a bad place, and essentially used my prayers to try and control what my W was doing - using the protective hedgerow around her, judgment against any men who were interfering in our marriage, fire, brimstone, etc.
But as I saw nothing was happening, and my prayers seemed unanswered, my prayers are now focused on my W coming back to God. Her salvation is my primary objective in my prayers, and I trust and leave the outcome of my marriage and the whole situation to the Lord (see, the Martin Luther's prayer posted in the 'Prayer Circle' of this site; also 'Nitty's Prayer' on p. 2 of the 'Prayer Circle'.)
Thank you so much for your interest and counsel for what I am going thru. God bless you.
Oh, cr#p. I just lost the files my boss previously had me working on. Essentially, I am "fired". Some yelling at my boss, his yelling at me. It wasn't a good way to end our working relationship.
In one sense, I am relieved that the Band-Aid (of losing my job)was pulled off so quickly. I was not making enough there, and I am hopeful for finding a better job. But...
The short term is going be h - e - double hockey sticks.
If the files were on the hard drive, they can be retrieved. Call your IT folks and have them work on retrieving them for you. Your company should have back ups down every night to ensure that the data is kept safe, etc. Tension is high because of lost files...but they will be found.
I'm sorry you are having a rough day and hopefully things will calm down once the files are located. I hope that once the dust is settled you aren't fired.
One more time...breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the support. But I have been unclear about my loss of job yesterday, so let me try and clear it up.
The "files I lost", were not computer files, but the files that my client/boss turned over to me to work on. He took all of this work away from me over a dispute of compensation, which was my primary source of income. So yes, I was essentially "fired" yesterday from my job.
