I think I am grown.... I hope so... Little Engine that Could.... I think I can... I think I can...
I feel that the "Walmart Incident" was supposed to happen. I have felt some real growth from that.
I'm glad it happened, bc it brought such clarity to me. I was able to have an interaction with xh. Wow. That was... something!
As job mentioned on bright's post about "Psychopath Free" it just happened that I came across this info last week. Wow. I've got two I'm dealing with. I mean... really.
But, perhaps, last week was a send off of sorts to part of the old Mighty.
I don't find it necessary again.
They are so low, pathetic, selfish... and I TRULY want NOTHING to do with them.
She feeds off the drama. Loves it. I do not want to be a source of that for her. As long as they keep their focus of loathing on me... they will never look at themselves. and they will feel justified in doing so.
I get it, uR. I knew it logically. But, you know me... logically and emotionally don't always run parallel.
I mean... I really get it... and FEEL it now too.
I wouldn't have truly gotten it had it not happened.
I can move on, and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I am working on getting over my fears.
Accepting EVERYTHING! It will take me a little while. But, it seems more obtainable now. For a long time, I just didn't know how to even do it, or even, where to begin.
I feel a little more settled. Lots still happening inside, but I just feel stronger.
She may think she "won." She may think that she shut me down. I honestly do not care. At all. I want to just laugh at her. I wish I could have walked over to xh at the game and laughed about it and carried on.
I wasn't there yet.
But, I think I am so much closer to it now.
Some "setbacks" end up being step-ups!
And, I say that may be a kiss off to the old Mighty, bc if I can carry on like nothing now when dealing with them... I don't think anything will send me to that place again.
Still dealing with other life issues. Don't know if I shared my breaks went last week on my way to d14 game. Squeaking as I was driving like crazy.
Today on my way, the under part of my bumper started dragging down the highway. I had to turn around and go back home.
And it's only 2 years old.
Paid a contractor $$$ to work on kitchen. He worked a week and it ran out. Gulp. Still no sink. Electrical, insulation, dry wall. Done! Yes!
But, I still need the rest....
Hey, look... it has been a tough road. Everyday has been a challenge. Not complaining. But, it has enabled me to appreciate very minute things... like peace. The lawnmower starting. Sunshine. Smiling kids. A great meal. A compliment. Laughter.
Just to name a few.
Gotta go pick up d14... just got back from the game.
Whoa... bea... that is so right on... hardest struggle... from head to the heart. For sure.
Thanks for... reminding me that I'm human. I feel like I have stifled so many emotions with the process. And, unfortunately, I seem to let them out at the wrong time. It's been more like a process of what should be rather than what is. However, I do appreciate the growth it's given me. Insight. All that good stuff, but I have to allow myself to... be... too.
Yeah, Heather... I know exactly what part of the head! And... I keeeeeeeeeeeeep pushing!
Seems like a very bipolar experience... not to be insensitive... just... is. I mean, so up and down, when you least expect it.
I am good. I feel soooooo far from xh. I mean, like, so distant. I know for sure, I just don't want him.
I don't feel as sad about it. I see him for who he is now. That's sad... the reality.
But, he has hurt me so deeply, and he didn't have to. But, I realize how much better off I am. Without the lies, drama, hurt... choices...
I am so ready for my new life. Whatever it is.
I see why people get to this point and don't post much... it's like.. you are doing well, with several downers, but, what else is new? I feel crazier more than anything... if I post it all... which I tend to often do. I mean, it's so all over... progressively better, with several upsets. But, I think that's normal for abnormal.
I just really feel so separate and for the first time... I just really, truly want to move on. I still have to fully swallow that. Pray for it, but I know I want it.
Had another crazy sitch getting to d14 lax game... but it's like, seriously?? at this point.
Interactions w/ xh and kids... I just don't want to know. I just want total silence. I don't know if anyone else feels like that ever...
I also realize that there is nothing I can say or do...
I know I can't make anyone *realize* anything. I throw in the towel with that. If xh ever says anything, I may just say, "Yes. you are right." and walk away. I just can't do any other thing...
Next two months are totally jam-packed. Lots going on... good things, stressful things, and just... stuff.
I just want to get my house together. That's a priority. And celebrate s18's graduation.
Things are good. Things are OK. Lots to stress... but what's the point? Lots to enjoy.
Thanks to all of you for the support. I still come here.... because... honestly... I still need it.
Mighty, this is a long process - the healing. I have been thinking about the Walmart incident and in a way it illustrates what we are dealing with in a nutshell. In the case of OW a damaged and entitled person, who has the mad idea that if she wants something that makes it OK . . . they both are and are not affected by us. They do feel bad, and they feel bad about feeling bad because they are'entitled' right? Urworthy is correct - nothing we say will change what they do, but her reaction was not that of someone who could rise above what what you said to her.
On the contrary it hit home, and fed the drama. And in general it is preferable to starve the drama, but once in a while it doesn't do any harm to rock the boat!
You have a glimpse, if you choose to take it, to see just how unsafe she really feels in this situation. Your xh has already left her once to return to you. You are everything she isn't, and she knows it.
I think MLCers and their chosen companions are emotional idiots. The Good Lord help that child. Your children will be OK - bruised and hurt but not fundamentally damaged, because they can see that what their father did was neither normal nor healthy for him and those around him.
I know you want it to get better, but accept that healing from anything takes time. All I can say that the hurt releases its grip
Mighty, you say you still come here like its a bad thing. We are like family here...pushing when needed, holding hands when that is needed, too.
You know, I have told you from early on that you are so hard on yourself. This is a life altering thing. The things we believed in, the family we cherished, the person we thought we could count on...changes seemingly overnight.
That causes us to lose our footing....where all we could do at first is try to hold on.
Takes time to find our balance. It takes a long time, M. We have to go through the stages of grief. We have to figure out who we are now that we arent part of a marriage.
The truth is, that if all of that is done too quickly, we dont learn what we need to learn.
So, my friend, you are starting to grow you back. You are seeing what you are made of. You are coming to terms with all the craziness that has transpired.
You know when you were a kid and you wanted to jump over a big puddle? You backed way up in order to get a running start.
Thats what you are doing, M. I can feel it.
Dont rush the process, though. Allow it to unfold as it should.
And dont forget, along the way, to see how much you've grown.
Mighty, I know this is devastating to you. You arent going to get over it quickly. There will continue to be fits and starts.
But I will tell you this from where I sit...you are an amazing woman, full of life and love and heart. If you werent, this wouldnt have touched you as profoudly as it did.
I know its hard to see life as it is now. It wont always be..I promise you that.
It will get easier to see him. Your children will be ok. And you will one day have the life you deserve. Hold onto that, my friend.
