I met with a friend for drinks the other night, and she has a bomb drop story similar to mine. (Wish she lived closer, she was just passing through town.) She said something that resonated with me... she felt like she had "lost herself" in the relationship with her partner. And in a lot of ways, I've done the same. Lost my passion for a career or pursuits independent of her business and time. We have literally spent the last nine months together 24/7, and it's all been about work. We lost our relationship, we lost each other, we lost ourselves.
I know I need to get back to who I am, what I love, what makes me tick. Not even sure what those things are right now, though. At the moment, I feel like an empty shell - I didn't before the bomb drop, but looking back now, I see I gave up way too much just so we could build this business and live the life we wanted to live AFTER it was strong. Foolishness...
She said this morning that we are going to have to figure out how to amicably live together for as long as we live together. I also don't want to be cold or rude - detached, yes. And cordial. But yeah... when she came outside and sat down beside me the morning after sex with her lover, I probably should have just gone back in the house.
I officially don't have any plans till this evening. She left for her open house and said she'd be home around 2pm and was leaving for her BBQ at 5pm... if I wanted to "talk or anything." I need to step up the GAL!
Last edited by DifRent; 05/30/1502:38 PM.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
So far today, I've done a great job of pretending I have a life, but not really having one. Some friends left for the beach this weekend and made their home available to me. So I went over for a while to enjoy the nontoxic environment, intending to read. But I couldn't concentrate. All I could do was sit in a chair and be as pathetic there as I would have been here. It's just that she didn't see me.
On the way, though, I stopped at her open house. This wasn't to pursue, but to throw her off guard, as she would not be expecting me. I went in, she was surprised but not unhappy. I asked how it was going, that's about it, didn't stay long. I'm back home now and the house is empty... she's at the gym, she says. The boys are out. Saturdays used to be so much more pleasant, content, joyful. Right now, all I want to do is sleep and hope that when I wake up, this nightmare is over.
Instead, I think I'll clean the house.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
With that, I cannot compete, no matter how much I improve myself.
DifRent,
You're welcome, any way I can help! I am not one of the vets on this forum but I have to respectfully disagree with your statement above. If you truly do all you can to improve yourself and try to emotionally detach, your W will see a different DifRent (sorry for the pun, hope it brought a to your face).
When our partner sees positive, lasting changes in us, there is hope that the M can be saved.
Think positive thoughts and you may discover things can turn around.
Take care.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
As much as I try to detach, she roped me into yet another conversation. She wants to keep assuring me of the finality of things, in a "compassionate" way. That if we're going to live together, we can't live with this stress (i.e. my detachment). I told her she's delusional if she thinks I should just be okay with her going out to a BBQ with her new girlfriend, but go, have a great time.
Why did I feel compelled to tell her she's delusional? She's too delusional to acknowledge it!
I'm off to church and the brewery. That's my GAL for the night.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Well, at least you're not delusional - you realise that she's too delusional to recognise that she is indeed delusional!
It's true that your wisdom is unlikely to be heard or welcomed at this juncture, so it's great that you're heading off the church and the brewery....have a good time! T :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, at least you're not delusional - you realise that she's too delusional to recognise that she is indeed delusional!
Toots is right! Have a good time DifRent.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So far today, I've done a great job of pretending I have a life, but not really having one.
Sometimes just the illusion of getting a life is OK. Fake it till you make it, right? Sounds like you have a lot of good GAL activities going on otherwise.
At MC, my W asked me if I could start making a list of our personal property this weekend, and I kinda rubbed my head like I was thinking about it and said "I can try but I don't think I'll have a chance to get to it this weekend." I'm sure she thinks I'm süper busy, but I have no plans tonight or last night in reality. Just the act of being unavailable is sometimes enough.
Not saying that actually getting a life is unimportant, because it really is. But the illusion of it is enough to the WAS sometimes.
I get that, Matt. Before she left for her BBQ today, I was sitting in the corner chair of the living room, reading. She came over, the silly hug and kiss and wanted to talk and all that jazz. This was where I said she was delusional if she thought I would be okay with her going to see her girlfriend. She said, "I wish you could go out and meet people." I said, "Oh, don't worry about me. Just because I'm in this chair now doesn't mean I don't have plans later." Do I really have to GAL every minute she's around me not to elicit a pity party?
Actually, I thought tonight was going to be a bust. But I had a great conversation over a few beers with someone who had incredible insight about my W, based on her own experience with a breakup - and, having met us not too long ago, even after the BD, said, "I can tell she loves you still." Was kind of nice to hear...
Wound up staying out later than my W, which I wasn't expecting. So that was good GAL stuff! I opened the door to the guest bedroom where she was in bed and falling asleep. She woke startled and said, "I love you." Weird. I wanted to go over and kiss her, of course. But I just closed the door.
BTW, I noticed today that she wasn't wearing the cross and holy medals she usually wears around her neck. I mentioned it, and since she has not much to lose at this point, she readily confessed she'd left them at the OW's house. Of course she took them off to do the unholy things she did. A smidgen of conscience?
Anyway, in bed now. I confess to reading text messages on her phone that was charging downstairs. I know I shouldn't. But this woman is such a predator, feeding my W every opinion she has right now. Like my son says, my WW doesn't have her own mind. And it's too bad. It's a beautiful mind, when she's right in it.
Hoping and praying for a good night's sleep, for once.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Not seeing her much today, and this is good. I'm sure she was with the OW this morning, and now she's at an open house, later plans to go to a horse farm or something. At least she's not trying to throw me "crumbs" between all her fabulous plans today.
I realized something... she does have all these plans, is meeting all these new people through the OW. She doesn't have a life of her own, though. If the OW were suddenly out of the picture, my W would have none of this. Should the OW dump her, she will be floundering. Kind of sad.
This was the text exchange I saw last night: "W: (Dif) is adamant that I can't unilaterally walk out on our commitment, so she says I'm having an affair." "OW: People walk out on commitments all the time. See the pain beneath her anger, and you be firm that it's over without anger. I'm sorry. I know you're miserable, love!" Love, she calls her! Lord have mercy. I was actually glad to see those texts, because it just confirms that whatever comes out of W's mouth these days is actually coming from the OW. She doesn't have her own mind at the moment. It's so sad.
She just called me and asked me to bring something to her at the open house. I'm not in the mood.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
This was the text exchange I saw last night: "W: (Dif) is adamant that I can't unilaterally walk out on our commitment, so she says I'm having an affair." "OW: People walk out on commitments all the time. See the pain beneath her anger, and you be firm that it's over without anger. I'm sorry. I know you're miserable, love!" Love, she calls her! Lord have mercy. I was actually glad to see those texts, because it just confirms that whatever comes out of W's mouth these days is actually coming from the OW. She doesn't have her own mind at the moment. It's so sad.
Wow. Amazing how the OW twists things around and justifies their A. Crazzeeee.
Ignore that blather and continue doing what you've been doing.
I would suggest that when W tries to lean to kiss or hug you, I'd put up a stiff arm and say, "This is inappropriate considering where we are." You need to remove yourself from W's attempts to mollify her own guilty conscience.
to your face).