I am thinking about sending this TM to STBX later today.
"I had some time to think about our conversation and I understand why you were upset this morning. I agree with you that the kids need to talk with their parents. I also think it's important to respect each parent's time with the children.
So, how does this sound? Each night between 6 and 8pm, the other parent sends a text to speak with the kids. If available, the kids will call the other parent back.
I think this adds some much needed structure for everyone."
Good idea?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Oh yeah, I wanted to share a funny, yet heartbreaking thing my D4 said last night as we were snuggling. She said, "Daddy, you need a wife. When are you getting a new wife?" I wasn't exactly sure how to respond, so I laughed and said, "I don't know."
Hi Defacto,
That is funny and heartbreaking at the same time. Wow, she is one smart cookie!! I think you handled it perfectly. I also think you have a good idea about getting your hands on some material that can help you help your D4 thru this.
I saw your most recent post about your text idea. I am going to wait for one of the bets to reply. Calling Toots, Wonka, MrBond....
Hang in there mister.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
She said that this was just me doing more of the same. That I did this all of our MR. STBX said that we were not good together and she wasn't happy for a very long time. I just listened and validated where applicable.
What did she mean by "more of the same"?
I know you are trying to set boundaries and don't want to be friends... but try to work on being "friendly", sort of how you would treat a co-worker you have to work with but have no interest in having a friendship with.
She said that this was just me doing more of the same. That I did this all of our MR. STBX said that we were not good together and she wasn't happy for a very long time. I just listened and validated where applicable.
What did she mean by "more of the same"?
I know you are trying to set boundaries and don't want to be friends... but try to work on being "friendly", sort of how you would treat a co-worker you have to work with but have no interest in having a friendship with.
Hi Claire, Mind reading here but I think she was referring to me being controlling. This has been an accusation of hers since BD and a go to whenever she is angry with me. Plus, the context makes sense.
I feel I have been friendly towards STBX. Some here even felt I have been too friendly.
What are your thoughts on the proposed text?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I'm glad Claire replied and I know your last post was directed at her.
Question for you sir: Is this part of your proposed text:
"I think this adds some much needed structure for everyone."
Or was that a comment to us? If it is part of your draft text, I would remove that line completely. Sadly, Our WAS' don't care much about what we think now. Also, she feels you are "controlling" (my wife says I "smothered" her) and I feel that line, as well-meant as it is, could be interpreted by her as you trying to "control" the sitch. See what I mean? What do other's think?
If it was only meant for us, I'm sorry Defacto. I rambled on for nothing about that sentence.
Good luck!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I'm glad Claire replied and I know your last post was directed at her.
Question for you sir: Is this part of your proposed text:
"I think this adds some much needed structure for everyone."
Or was that a comment to us? If it is part of your draft text, I would remove that line completely. Sadly, Our WAS' don't care much about what we think now. Also, she feels you are "controlling" (my wife says I "smothered" her) and I feel that line, as well-meant as it is, could be interpreted by her as you trying to "control" the sitch. See what I mean? What do other's think?
If it was only meant for us, I'm sorry Defacto. I rambled on for nothing about that sentence.
Good luck!
Bob
Bob, Thanks for the perspective! Nope, that was included in the proposed text. You're right of course. I will remove it. Thanks!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You're welcome! Yes, I think it's best that is not part of the text.
Do you have the Validation Cheat Sheet? Stick mostly to validating her feelings where appropriate.
I'm still not certain about the rest. Any vets out there today? Calling all vets for Defacto, please...
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Oh yeah, I wanted to share a funny, yet heartbreaking thing my D4 said last night as we were snuggling. She said, "Daddy, you need a wife. When are you getting a new wife?" I wasn't exactly sure how to respond, so I laughed and said, "I don't know."
My own D4 has said something very similar, I posted it on someones thread before, cant remember who it was.
"It's OK daddy, you will find a new mommy that loves you".
Hard to accept our kids, at the age of only 4, can understand whats happening to some degree.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/30/1508:02 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hi Defacto, I'm not a vet for sure....but I do like editing
"Hi W, I understand why you were upset this morning, and I agree the kids need to talk with each of us. I also think it's important to respect each of our time with them.
Can I suggest that evening may be a good time for a chat with them? If you text say between 6 and 8, I'll have them call & say Hi - and perhaps I could do the same when they are with you?
Last edited by Toots; 05/30/1508:13 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
