Yes, I remember the pool boys and I believe Barb was the first to come up with that line. Those were the days.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think my xh spools himself with these contacts . . . .he pops out and pops back into his burrow.
Life is not quite what he thought it would be after all this time, but he still hasn't a clue how to put it right. He is trying being 'nice' to me. It is actually OK, better than spewing. But still not really sorting himself out. It is a shame, but it isn't really impacting on my life - I deal with it here, and get on with my life . No-one else even begins to understand this stuff . . .
Bea, Not only does he spook himself...but he could also be waiting to see if you pursue him. Keep in mind, he's being playing the pursuit/distant game for quite some time. First he was angry and did everything in his power to get your attention by going to lawyers and now, he's done a turnaround being nice. This is how the game is played. If he can't get you to pursue one way, he'll try another.
Just my two cents from where I'm sitting on the curb.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, I was typing away and my reply just disappeared!
Job, I think you were the first person to draw my attention to the pursuer/distance dance, and I now recognise it as one of the ways that my xh emotionally engaged throughout our marriage.
When he first left he distanced himself for weeks months and even years (I can't honestly remember the details, nor do I want to) I suspect he wanted me to go after him, but even in the early days I realised that running after him wasn't a good idea, nor something I would ever want to do.
Now I am older, and I hope a little wiser, I see the dysfunctionality in this type of relationship very clearly. I respond to him, but I rarely initiate contact unless there is a need. However I try always to be pleasant. He is the father of my children, and warts and all I was married a long time, and very happy too. Funny, it is like the MLCer says - 'it isn't what I want any more'!
Oh Gwen - it took me forever - but thanks. I really like where I am now - it absolutely wasn't what I would have chosen for my life, and certainly wasn't what I wanted, but now I am here, all I can say is what a little person I was.
I would stress that I am sometimes lonely, sometimes miss what I had and took for granted, and have all the normal stresses, aches and pains etc. But I am good in myself.
The idea of circle of concern and circle of influence helps - if we focus on what we can do something about, actually we find there is more and more we can influence, and so it expands. We can't alter what our former spouses are doing. That is their journey, and it is a hard one too. As hard in its own way as ours is.
it s difficult to grasp that when you are in emotional pain and see the person responsible living on the high hog, apparently.
