Hey everyone, I have a kind of goofy question that I would like some opinions on.
As you can tell from my sitch, STBX and I are active on social media, mainly on Instagram. STBX has read a lot into who likes her pictures and who follows her on Instagram. I wouldn't put it past her to use Instagram as a method of keeping tabs on me and what I am up to. My general rule on "liking" her pictures is I will like the picture as long as it's of the kids and as long as I am not GAL'ing.
Does anyone have thoughts on this?
Yes. My thought is that you still have way too many thoughts about what your wife thinks about things you do.
Starsky
Yup. I agree 100%. LOL.
Fake it till you make it.
I certainly have a long way to go.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Detachment is an ATTITUDE, Defacto. Everything that T and others have advised you above is really just an overall demeanor and attitude that you have to put on like a suit. Once you get there, the strategy will flow from the attitude, and the tactics that you ask so much about will flow from the strategy.
Change your FOCUS. Put it on YOU and YOUR KIDS, and on DOING THE RIGHT THING in every situation. The rest will start to come naturally to you, I promise.
Stop trying to get a reaction out of your wife. LEAVE HER BE.
Is why I specifically mentioned yesterday ... Even though you think you're playing it calm cool and collected ... I'm sure your W can sense she still has you on the hook.
Come on. We all know you can do better than this. Take our advice and just try it for a few weeks
You got this Defacto. Use the time for you and your kids. All the DBing techniques are there for you. There is a chance by doing that it COULD draw your WW closer, but from what I've read, that only happens is you truly detach and do it for you.
Easier said than done, but you can't drop the rope unless you let go with both hands and walk away.
Have a great time taking care of yourself!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Thanks gang! I appreciate the genuine concern and interest in my sitch! The 2x4s are much needed. That's what this place is all about.
I certainly feel like I've regressed in the detachment category. I'm not sure what set this off but it could've been my vacation. Or maybe the vacation exposed the false detachment. Either way, I need to wake up each day and committ to a healthy mind state. If I think of my actions as relating to soliciting responses from STBX, I need to stop and correct myself.
All the detailed questions may also coincide with how much I personally find comfort in routine. Subconsciously, I assume that if I just get a strategy for every preconcievable situation, I won't have to think, I can just react like instinct. However, I think this goes to confirm the points Starsky, T0, Rip, and others have been making all along. If I truly have the proper mindset, my instinct will already be the correct response.
Needless to say, thanks to all for the constructive criticism. I obviously need the guidance right now.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
However, I think this goes to confirm the points Starsky, T0, Rip, and others have been making all along. If I truly have the proper mindset, my instinct will already be the correct response.
I certainly feel like I've regressed in the detachment category. I'm not sure what set this off but it could've been my vacation. Or maybe the vacation exposed the false detachment. Either way, I need to wake up each day and committ to a healthy mind state. If I think of my actions as relating to soliciting responses from STBX, I need to stop and correct myself.
DF ... just chiming in here ... read up on your sitch .. well the past few weeks anyways. Detachment is a tough one, but the reason I think, .. reading your changes.. for you the reason you all the sudden feel like you got sucked in was because you have been GAL'ing, taking advice and your WAW has been pursuing you ... sucking you back in ... its a tough line as your emotions are tugging that she is being nice, she is TM me, calling me ... truth is she is testing.
This happens, you are doing quite well but take the advice of TO and Starsky ... keep at it, even if it feels like hard ball ... you are not going to nice your WAW back into the M, she has to respect you first, she is not going to respect a cute puppy that wants his belly rubbed just because she was nice to him ... she will however respect that German sheppard that will snap at her if she crosses a boundary.
As far as the kids ... yeah you have to lock that down, she knows thats the 'in' with you ... mine did that too. I was given great advice and will share with you concerning calls/TM. Emergencies -Reply immediately Stuff concerning Kids 15-20 minutes Anything else 2 hours or a nonreply You choose.
As far as the Social media .. I 'unfriended' my W ... she asked why, gave me the "I know we are divorcing but we can still be friends for S's sake" ... my reply was simple, Make no mistake, if we D we will not be friends, I will co-parent with you to the best of my ability but I am not interested in a friendship, I would never keep a 'friend' who left me like you did and cheated on me with an OP ..... D is not want I want but I respect your choice.
Sometimes you have to draw a hard line in this, you do not have to be mean nor bitter, just firm kind and very matter of fact.
Totally agree with Caliguy. I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I would not be her friend if we divorced. Friends don't do what our WS have done to us.
Stay strong and walk the walk. Be cordial, firm, and calm. My wife was convinced that I was living large, footloose and fancy free. I wasn't, of course, but it just goes to show you that the process works.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
DF ... just chiming in here ... read up on your sitch .. well the past few weeks anyways. Detachment is a tough one, but the reason I think, .. reading your changes.. for you the reason you all the sudden feel like you got sucked in was because you have been GAL'ing, taking advice and your WAW has been pursuing you ... sucking you back in ... its a tough line as your emotions are tugging that she is being nice, she is TM me, calling me ... truth is she is testing.
This happens, you are doing quite well but take the advice of TO and Starsky ... keep at it, even if it feels like hard ball ... you are not going to nice your WAW back into the M, she has to respect you first, she is not going to respect a cute puppy that wants his belly rubbed just because she was nice to him ... she will however respect that German sheppard that will snap at her if she crosses a boundary.
As far as the kids ... yeah you have to lock that down, she knows thats the 'in' with you ... mine did that too. I was given great advice and will share with you concerning calls/TM. Emergencies -Reply immediately Stuff concerning Kids 15-20 minutes Anything else 2 hours or a nonreply You choose.
As far as the Social media .. I 'unfriended' my W ... she asked why, gave me the "I know we are divorcing but we can still be friends for S's sake" ... my reply was simple, Make no mistake, if we D we will not be friends, I will co-parent with you to the best of my ability but I am not interested in a friendship, I would never keep a 'friend' who left me like you did and cheated on me with an OP ..... D is not want I want but I respect your choice.
Sometimes you have to draw a hard line in this, you do not have to be mean nor bitter, just firm kind and very matter of fact.
CaliGuy, Thanks for the support. Obviously, I've been stressing as of late about everything so I appreciate the vote of confidence.
I hate that the kids are in the middle of this. Of course, that's what happens in a D. While I was out shopping, STBX facetimed me. That's usually the method of communication she will take if the kids want to talk with me at night. Of course, it wasn't appropriate to answer at the store nor was I ready to talk anyway. But, it hurt so bad, just feels so wrong, not being able to talk with my kids.
Originally Posted By: Kramer
Totally agree with Caliguy. I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I would not be her friend if we divorced. Friends don't do what our WS have done to us.
Stay strong and walk the walk. Be cordial, firm, and calm. My wife was convinced that I was living large, footloose and fancy free. I wasn't, of course, but it just goes to show you that the process works.
Kramer, The support means a lot, especially with the recent breakthrough in your sitch. While I haven't had the formal talk with STBX about not being friends, I think she will be getting the point with my lack of response.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Journaling: Yesterday was a pretty good day. My day back at work after the vacation was pretty stress free. After work, I went for a jog, laid out and read a chapter of my new book at the pool, did some grocery shopping, picked up some new music CDs at the library, and met up with a pal for a few beers. It felt great to be busy.
While I was out with my friend, STBX sent an adorable text about D4. It really made me smile. It also reminded me how much I miss being with my kids 100% of the time. I thought about replying but I decided against it. I realized I was overthinking it and was worrying about what STBX would think so I just did nothing.
Time to begin another day and keep myself focused. I'm looking forward to my DB coaching session this afternoon too. It's been a month or so since my last one.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
