WAS or what

[roist]

No cadet I don't think it is. Thanks for looking. From memory it mentioned more about what detachment isn't and how many newcomers mistake it for other stuff.

Funny both you and sandi, post the same text st same time. Great kinds think alike

[Zephyr]

honestly roiste, your wife may not even notice if you take off your ring, maybe she will. if you want to send a signal...then i will step aside and let others fill in the gaps there.

In any event, is up to you to decide if you WANT to take off your ring or not. That is UP TO YOU. if you think that it makes you feel stronger, standing for your marriage...then great. if you think that taking it off will make you feel more 'as-if', i'm moving on, then great. there are a thousand reasons in between. you will have to decide...and it doesn't have to be today.

[roist]

Thanks Z.

I won't be taking it off, just to make her react. Like you part of me does nit feel married and hence taking i5 off is just a reflection of these feelings. But I am married and I want to be married so deep down I honestly don't want to take it off. But maybe taking it off could help moving on and detaching. I'mnot in a hurry to decide and it is not stressing me. I just thought I would ask in relation to rule 17.

[Zephyr]

My advice would be to continue the 37 rules, detach, work on personal improvement goals, GAL, and use 180's.

Sandi,

this is perfect, and i believe more than a few of us have been yearning for it to be said again.

From your WW threads there are a number of succinct 'immediate' actions that you list that should be undertaken, when you say the WW needs to feel the loss of her husband. Should all of these actions be taken now or wait until the bomb drops and be ready?

[roist]

Journaling:

In my part of the world it was mothers day yesterday. I was up early with s7. I wasn't too sure of the protocol in relation to the rules and this. I decided that it was important for my sons to do something so we went tothbakers to get pastries, prepared breakfast in bed and they gave her gifts that they had prepared at school. For me this was for my sons so I don't see it as pursuing etc.

I had planned going for a short cycle early in the morning, but as W and s5 got up later than usual I stayed with s7. W had planned going somewhere in the morning and often we would all go. I almost dropped the idea of cycling to go too, something I have often done in the past. Even though the boys asked me to come, I went for my cycle. Although I had mixed feelings I am glad I stuck to my cycle.

Since i've really put the 37 rules into practice, things have been slightly worse in R. Since I stopped initiating text conversations, texting had dropped by 90%, though W has sent some texts for small stuff that could have waited easily until the evening. There are less conversations but when there is it is cordial. W usually follows me to bed less quickly than before. Maybe it is not as nice to come to bed if into longer lay my leg on gets........yeah right.

So what I had perceived as improvements when I first started trying (non DB methods) are gone. Whether these improvements were just perceived or whether they are gone due to DB techniques is unsure. But I believe that if they were real they would still be there.

For me I have accepted that my wife is not truly there and am committed to following DB advice. If I wonder how to act detached or not pursue I just have to see how my wife acts. She has it down to a T.

Next weekend we are going home for a few days, just the two of us. I have very mixed feelings about that.

Friday I went out with friends and one of them came to the house Saturday to do s job for me. So he stayed for lunch. A part from that I kept busy at the house.

Not much to report, but I'm plugging away.

[roist]

gets should read hers.

[roist]

We watched a film at the weekend. In it a guy kept saying : "it'll be alright in the end, so if it is not alright, then it is not the end".
Seemed like a good way to look at things.

[roist]

I can't use the 48hr rule on this but today we let the kids know we are going away for a few days. Basically they will want to come so we decided to let them know last minute. Anyway before telling them I am off half a mind to hint or tell my wife that she can stay if she prefers. But can't do that after kids know. So any quick thoughts would be appreciated.

Why would I want to say that to her:
1 weekend will be emotional enough without fakingthe happy couple.
2 it would be good to have a break from all of this
3 would show her that my attitude has changed and I don't need her to come.

On the other hand the extra time together will emphasise my changed attitude. I am accepting the marriage I had is over. I am letting it go but not giving up hope for a new start.

I am OK with her coming or not, so I guess this is mostly about me sending a signal. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

[Zephyr]

You need to decide what yoibwsnt to do. If u want wife to go... Great. be your absolute best and be positive. This trip will not change your marriage, buy it is a chance to enjoy each others companionship without any pressure about sex or future. Definitely have to be careful and avoid those pitfalls and fights though.

If you don't want her to go...you need space, you will not be able to focus, whatever the reasons...than that is all you need.

Do what is right for U. If she wants to go with you, that isna good thing, right.

she may say things like she doesn't want to give the wrong impression about the trip... It just may be that W still wants to spend time together, just not romantically... This is kind of a bigbdeal to us, so just make sure no pressure on her for physical stuff. Don't read too deep. Ficus on your PMA and not fighting. The trip could also be a great time to showcase your new listening and validating skills!!!

This I'd hard roiste, but I know you will make the best of things!!!!

[roist]

Having a really hard bad time of it today. Not due to M situation, so maybe should not wallow here. Basically got some bad news yesterday about extra money I will have to pay. We are just keeping head above water and the day before we looked like having gotten the upper hand on finances.

This sucker punched me and knocked all pma and fight out of me. Demoralised.

This snowballed my thinking and I guess I just feel too alone. I am going to the one year anniversary of my dad's death this weekend. I felt alone going through that last year. At the time I was also depressed and felt alone dealing with that. I guess I had doubts about going this weekend with my wife because there is not much point if I feel alone. I am fed up being alone.

I'll bounce back, but just needed to get it out. Then concentrate on work and get home in better form. I intend to make the most of the weekend. Hope to enjoy it for the most part.

When I get back I'll see if I change anything in my approach to M. RCurrent feeling is to ramp up things, accept and act more being alone.

I can handle the greiving, the financial and work stresses. I can even handle being alone. The pretending to not being alone is hardest.


Rant over. Gotta go earn some money....