I have so much of my own life to rebuild, it's a bit overwhelming. See, I was school principal when she and I met, left that job four years ago and just can't stomach being in education anymore. Since then, I've done freelance writing and worked with her on our real estate investment business, and more recently, supporting her with her new career as an agent. This was never a passion of mine, working on the business was a means to an end, building a business that would support our lifestyle, and I always figured I'd go back to school or find what my "encore" career would be once we were financially on better footing.
But now? I am really lost, and scared. I don't have any idea what I really want to do outside of our business, but I need to do something. It's only a matter of time, I think, before we are going to go our separate ways, and I don't know where I'm going to go. Add to this the fact that our younger son is graduating high school and moving out in a few weeks... an empty nest with a shadow of a partner, and looming permanent separation, without a clear idea of how to "reinvent" myself. So much loss and so much uncertainty, in such a short period of time. I sure wish I had seen the signs earlier, made some changes sooner, headed all this off before we got to the bomb drop. I know I'll come out on the other side okay, but right now, it's really hard to see how that's possible.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Remember your sitch is very very fresh. 5/2. I and many many others have been at this for months. Some days or weeks are better than others, it just depends on what's going on.
It is crucial that you GAL, remember how strong you are and that your W is lost right now. Stand tall, stand firm. She is noticing.
Keep up the good work and stay busy. Don't give into despair.
Thank you HeavyD. These are good reminders. I know it's fresh, and nothing she says is true right now.
I just got back to town and her car wasn't home. I just knew where she was, or at least who she was with. Knew we needed a few things for our cookout today, so I went to the store. Surprise... I was wrong, she was shopping. I poked her because I literally bumped into her from behind at the end of an aisle. "If I'd known you were here, I wouldn't have come." She seemed genuinely happy to see me, gave me a hug. Asked where I was last night, "At your mom's?" I said of course, then just finished shopping with her. There was another store on the agenda, so she began to talk about our going together. Instead, I offered to take the groceries home and clean the grill while she finished the shopping. "Oh, okay. That's a good idea." Of course, no matter how happy she was to see me, those texts from the OW are omnipresent.
It's going to be a strange evening, playing happy family at this cookout. But then... what isn't strange these days?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I told Ms. Wonka that her OW wasn't allowed near or around the house when it became clear that their A had become physical. I was quite angry when I told Ms. Wonka and she knew that it was a firm boundary. She took her rendezvouses with the OW elsewhere. I felt better knowing that the OW wouldn't step a foot in the house while I was there...she wouldn't dare. I told Ms. Wonka that I would confront OW if she ever did.
Hello there DifRent & HeavyD I am going thru a hell of a separation w W right now Me 47 Her 46 M 15 months relationship 8years on June 2015 D 26 S 22 S 21 BD October 2014 Still same house Sleeping in separate beds since BD
SO I had almost same situation like u DifRent last year she founded a real estate business we were gonna start together but then being in the middle of recognizing problems she decided to bail out two months after we established our LLC I have been working for many years a old home based business as a housekeeper n was making good money all the way until December 2013 when I lost a client that provided me w more than half of my income. As a consequence of that I ran out of funs in march 2014 n stopped contributing to the house as I have been only making money for attorneys fees and to barely support me.this is a very unfortunate issue and has taken me one full year to recup. She tells me we always had a tumultuous relationship but aside from everything I really adored my W One day she called me n told me on the phone that she couldn't do "this" anymore n she wanted out I was crushed and ever since I have tried to do everything possible to get her back but little by little we have damaged each other to no end She said recently than she is no longer in love w me and that she wants to date and she realized there is no chance in hell we will ever be together again A year ago she started smoking Rx pot this has been a BIG problem for me because I cannot stand drug use, and have had very bad reactions to the pot that cause me an almost comatose migraine .....she tells me she needs to get high all the time because this is the only way she can cope w the grief I have caused her She is on many dating sites, and she always makes sure to tell me she wants to find a woman that's gonna make her happy and that she will find her but at the same time she tells me I have always made her feel innadecuate and she doesn't even know if she can date!!! And I don't understand this because this woman has always been my number one priority I always have felt so attractive to her our sex was always awesome and passionate and hot and she tells me she realized I have made our relationship all about "me". We got married I loved to have married her but W didn't want to and she says she only would do it to help me w my immigration situation so there is a lot of resentment from her part towards me from that n also from the business we started that she feels I (again) started to chase a dream of mine and that we were defrauded n now she lost 9000 dollars We went to couples therapy which never worked this was a few years ago it only served as a open forum for her to communicate and let out that she has never ever been able to get over an affair I had when we first got together in mexico. W n I met in June 2007 n we had a LDR and I had a 2 months affair with OW and W found out.there is more to that story including the 3 of us getting in bed together. Anyways in December we went back together and ever since I have not cheated on her but I guess her insecurities and mistrust are still there . from my part I m 100% certain she was the one for me I cannot tell you how much I love her and her kids and how much I would do for her. She had asked me 100 times to move out and I debated that to this point for one thing I just secured a good job last week so I still need to save more to be able to do so Two is miserable with her here but I have totally detached from interacting with her...is hell I miss her old person b4 she started smoking she was not like this. She says I want a submissive woman but I do not ...in fact I think I'm the submissive one. Around her bday in February I went to her room n ask her if we could have sex n she quickly accepted. It was short but sweet and great as usual but then she told me she hated herself for giving into it! Because she wants nothing to have to do with me or getting back together....I told her not to worry that it was just sex and that I wasn't asking her to be resume our married life but still she was upset .... To be continued.....
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
What is different about me since my W and I got married? Back then, I had a job that made her proud. I was more self-assured and confident... some of that has slipped as I have fallen into working on our business, instead of my career. She thinks I just go along with whatever she wants to do, instead of asserting myself. Physically, I was probably 20 pounds lighter - going from running a school to writing impacted my daily physical activity.
So, the weight is coming off no problem, as pretty much all I can stomach eating these days are green smoothies! I'm having a tough time faking the confidence right now, as I really don't feel confident about my professional life at the moment. But I'm working on it. I am taking charge more, being detached and assertive about things, setting boundaries and being firm. I think if there are two things that she would notice the most if I have a chance, it would be getting back in shape (of course, and I want that too), and her feeling like she can depend on me to take charge of things... financially, and perhaps in other areas of our lives. I have ceded too much power to her - which she likes on the one hand, but also doesn't like on the other.
I think she sees those things in the OW, so I've got some tough competition right now. My hope is that in time, as she sees desired changes in me, the instability of this other woman (who I swear is just a lonely opportunistic nutjob) will emerge in contrast to her remembrance of just how loving and supportive I have always been. The improvements she wants to see are just the icing on a cake she's forgotten how much she loves - because it's not that exciting, and it's not the kind of distraction she wants from everything else that's blowing up in her life.
Wonka, what is your story? I know you are a serious veteran here. How did your situation turn out? How would I find your story on these boards?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Here's this afternoon's behavior... and forgive me for constantly posting, but that is what the moderators say to do!
I was kind of tucked away in the corner of our bedroom working on a client's project, and she called for me. I answered, but I don't think she heard me. When I came out, she called and asked, in an almost worried tone, "where have you been?" I told her, then she said she'd emailed me something to work on for the business. I said okay, but I'm going for a walk now. "Can I come with you?"
I said it didn't matter... because really, it didn't. So she came, yap yap yap about real estate, and then she says, "I have this one client call I really have to make, is that okay?" The fact that she asked if it was okay meant she was calling the OW about offers on the house, and she didn't wait to get my "ok"... and while she played it all professional, she was clearly talking about all the details of a deal that I specifically stated I did not want to know anything about, right in front of me.
I put up with this for probably ten minutes (nine minutes and 59 seconds longer than I should have), thinking it would end, but it didn't. So I turned around and walked in the opposite direction. AND SHE FOLLOWED ME! At the end of the conversation she said, "Yes, okay... I will have to put that in writing." How stupid does she think I am that I don't realize she's going to text "I love you," or something else equally ridiculous, since she couldn't say it out loud?
She knows I'm not stupid. She's just in my face with this, or tunnel visioned, or something.
She hung up, and I calmly but clearly told her that was an incredibly disrespectful violation of my boundaries. She did not apologize, just said she had to make that call before her "client" went out to enjoy her plans for the night.
I think on one level, she wanted me to know the details of the deal, because it's her biggest deal yet, and I might find this impressive. (The OW thinks, by the way, that my W is the greatest real estate agent ever, OF COURSE. Me? I'm the one with whom she's been vulnerable and shared openly her insecurities, etc. I mean... isn't that the role your spouse is supposed to play? The one who knows you and loves you for all your foibles and faults, not the one who flatters you and praises you no matter what. Real relationship vs. fantasy relationship.) I'm just so shocked by her utter insensitivity... this is the woman who before all this mess would have NEVER done anything intentional to hurt me. And she just keeps hurting me now, over and over.
So she ignores what she did, we walk past the community pool and clubhouse, and she asks if I want to go hang out there for a while with her. I remain silent. We get to the house, she sits in a chair in the backyard, and asks if I'd bring her a glass of wine. I say okay, but instead go inside to call my friend. She comes in three minutes later and says, "never mind the wine, I'm going for a bike ride." "Ohhhhkay..." I say...
Off she goes, I chat with my friend for a bit, I'm back in the corner of the bedroom, she comes back, and lays on the bed while I'm on the computer in the corner. She makes a few comments about houses for sale in the neighborhood, realizes she's not getting anywhere in the conversation, and goes upstairs... from where she Skypes me more work stuff.
And we have company in 40 minutes.
I know DBing is a long slog. I am not sure I can take months or years of this insanity. She is insane. I am hoping that once I kick her upstairs to the bedroom tomorrow night, we'll have more space and things won't be quite so nuts. I guess it all remains to be seen...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
1. Pull the straps a little tighter and get ready for a crazy ride on the WW coaster.
2. GAL - avoid the walks, the talks, and reading between any lines. No fetching wine, etc.
All I know is for the past 60 days I have lived on the WW coaster and done everything wrong at least once. I am far from an expert but she is living the best of both worlds.
Detach, employ LRT and see what happens!
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
