As long as she is actively involved with OM and not expressing desire to work on the M I believe you stay dark. This doesn't mean you are rude but just simply busy!
When you do have interactions you put your best foot forward.
Right - so the interactions Defacto is having, how is that not his best foot forward? Because he asks about her day? That's viewed as pursuing and needs to stop while the OM is present.
I guess I understand that part of it. All of those conversations and interest in her is paused until the affair is over. Is that the gist of what you're saying?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Yes .. He can be pleasant about the children but I really don't see the need to ask her about her day? Or following up on her Dr apt...
I'm not a vet by any means but to me if I were his W. It wouldn't be attractive to me if I wAs wayward. I would think I could walk all over him and continue having my fun
T0, I sincerely appreciate your continued interest and insight into my sitch. I'm sure it's frustrating to see me stuck in the same behaviors we have talked about before. Thanks for hanging in there with me! As you know, it's tough to walk the tight rope.
In the interest of helping put an actionable plan together for my specific sitch, I'd like to move from the theoretical to the practical. I understand and agree with the idea of why I should pull back more from STBX, I'm just not sure how to execute it.
If STBX calls when I have the kids, should I just start ignoring her calls completely or only answer some of her calls/texts? Or, what about when STBX knows I'm at home with the kids while she's at work and she calls at her usual time, just don't pick up? Or, pick up, be friendly while talking about kids, but ask her nothing else? Sometimes she will just begin a story about work without solicitation. Just listen, validate where applicable, and cordially move toward ending the call?
I'm sorry to be so detailed but these are the majority of our interactions right now so it's important to have a good plan of attack. I'm just concerned that I will come off as unfriendly or uncaring to STBX. Or maybe I'm overthinking it a bit? LOL
Thanks for everyone's time.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Agree with TO324. It jibes with nearly everything in Sandi's WW threads, too.
Starsky
Thanks Starsky!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
No problem! I want to return the favor to anyone because I owe so much to this board and the people who helped me. I required a lot of hand holding and detailed guidance! I was so afraid to do the wrong thing. There isn't one thing that will make or break your sit here - it is about consistency.
You should do some homework and read Sandi's WW threads. She was once a WW and has a TON of insight. She was also super helpful to me (along with many others). It took me awhile to get the hang of DB and once you get it you realize it is quite simple. For me I feel like I one day stopped being so concerned with how H perceived me. I was more worried about my own happiness.
My best advice is to create some boundaries first and foremost. you want to be a good coparent but you also deserve to have a life with the kids without W checking up on them and calling all the time because, let's be realistic, if you do D and remarry ... When you have the kids on your time you aren't going to be speaking several times a day to talk about the kids.
She needs to feel what it's like to lose you, that's the only way she will really decide if she ever wants to find you again. You have to make her miss you. That's why it's so important to be the best you when you do get the chance to be around her. Not pushy like you are trying to show yourself off but to be genuine.
I would ignore the calls but that's just me. Maybe Starsky has some better advice but I would ignore and if she texts just say.. Something along the lines of hey sorry I was in the middle of something. If she continues To push you should make it known that you're only interest is to discuss the children. I would limit this to text or email (also so you have a record of conversation and interactions if need be). Plan out a schedule in advance. I am a nurse also so I know my schedule at least 6 weeks out. Make the schedule as far as both of yours allow. Less reason to interact. I would absolutely not be asking her to spend time together or asking about her day. Let her OM meet those needs.
If she does call when. You have the kids you don't necessarily want to ignore her but maybe it's time to have a talk regarding this..
An email or text.. Hey W I've been thinking about this and I think in order for us to both spend quality time with the kids we should agree to one call a day or at night this way the other parent gets to speak to the kids but that we don't have to feel so tied to the phone. Let me know your thoughts on this. I want what's best for everyone and think we all deserve some down time too.
Boundaries.
When she starts to talk about work maybe you could be busy -- oh hey the kids just spilt something, I've gotta run. Etc.
You're not her H, you're not her friend. You're the father of the children. Not your job to listen to her about her day -- but always be POLITE!
I would ignore the calls but that's just me. Maybe Starsky has some better advice but I would ignore and if she texts just say.. Something along the lines of hey sorry I was in the middle of something.
Well, of course the REAL key here is to mostly really BE in the middle of something! You know, cuz you're busy, GALing, and The Most Interesting Man in the World . . . right?
But yeah, unless and until you are, then FAKE IT. I agree with everything T wrote right there^^^. Healthy boundaries are KEY in these situations, and good for BOTH of you if you think about it.
Expect her to get mad and throw some temper tantrums. She will start speaking in all sorts of nonsense. She will test your boundaries. Forge on and stay on them. Eventually she will get the picture.
