So last night H and I had a flurry of emails with regard to who can pick up and look after our DDs from school. I requested that no-one but family, him or I should do this and that no friends should pick the girls on our behalf.
H responded to say that as long as he had support from my mum to pick up the girls only family will then pick them up. So I asked for clarification, if the situation was to change, does that mean he will have a friend pick up on his behalf?
H went on to say that he did not have family support here and that is sitch is different from mine. I replied lots of single parents are living here with no family support and find alternatives like after-school care/ or request change of hours from work...
H then stated that currently he will agree to my wishes - but then I'm thinking what about beyond or in the future!!! Urghhh..
On a positive note H got to attend and see DDs performance at school. I should have been more friendly, said hi or something be more cheerie but went off to video tape the performance. Its so hard I still get a knot in my stomach when I see him..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
H commented to me that he attended DD performance because I said it would be beneficial for DD to see us both. H commented that I got up as soon as he arrived. I replied that I moved to get closer to video DD performance on the ipad. H then replied I hadn't moved until he had arrived, insinuating that I had deliberately moved away? *Sigh*
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
EMO- I continue to see nothing but control in this dynamic. It's like he said "I'm done being controlled by you in our M, I'm so tired of it I'm leaving"...and now you're trying to control him through the kids. It looks like a cat clawing to hang on.
Specifically- telling him that "it would be beneficial" for him to attend DD performance- that is controlling. You are telling him what should be a priority for him, telling him how to view things, and basically telling him that he needs to do what you tell him or he's a negligent dad. What would be better would simply be to say "H, DD has a performance tonight. I know it's short notice so I understand if there is a conflict. I thought you'd like to know about it because you went to the xxx event with her and she had a blast. Talk later." Allow the man to make his own priorities.
Then the next exchange has to do with who's picking up the kids. So first you're telling him what events he should attend to be a good dad, now you're telling him who can pick up kids. From his point of view he's trying to get out from under your thumb and you're twisting things and playing the 'kids' card to try to continue to control his life.
Look, your kids will be fine without you forcing H in line with how you think parenting should look. Can't you just leave the guy alone?
I'd really like to see this cycle broken. Funny thing, even after D many couples continue to try to control each other and manipulate for years. I have a good friend who's ex does horrendous things to him by jerking around his access to the kids. You're not doing that- but it's a dark path to go down. Detach, let him be the parent he wants to be, protect your kids if it's truly a 911 but otherwise let him off his leash.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126, totally respect your views and its been insightful because you do play devils advocate regarding my behaviour.
Not that I am defending my behaviour - but he knew about the performance a week before, my D told both of us. I guess what I am getting at is that he is still reliant on me to be there - take the photos, do the videos, things I used to do before we separated. I cannot detach fully if he is still requesting me to do such things. Hence me sending that email and yes perhaps I should have worded it a less controlling way. Perhaps I am overreacting too much.
With regard to who can pick up/look after the girls, to me its just more my maternal instinct that I've got to trust the people/person who have the responsibility to have them. If I don't know them, then why would I say yes? I also believe H feels the same.
And with leaving the H alone - I actually have - it is more H that contacts me about trival matters like for instant what time is our DDs hockey game (information which he has already) which I am trying not to respond too.
I would never limit H access to our DDs. He is a great father and they adore him.
Last edited by EMO1234; 05/22/1502:00 PM.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Glad you understand I'm 100% in your corner and appreciate how hard you're working to walk a good path through a brutal situation.
You're right, it comes down to a bit of self awareness. Your H is trying to become his own person. If he feels you're trying to infringe on your freedom he will just pull away further both emotionally and in terms of lack of cooperation. It's like a power struggle with a teenager.
So if you know this then you can put a lot of care into your interactions to not do this. First you can ask if something is necessary or appropriate to address. The fact is that 90% of the things that we think are important really aren't. Most of them can just be differences. I'd say whether he attends your D's event is an example. In your opinion he should be there. But you don't control him. Yes, it stinks to see your kids neglected, but that's his choice, and that's his relationship with them. As for his expectations of what you will do, pray, meditate, get into a serene state of mind...then decide what you feel is the right thing for you to do in terms of how much you make videos/picture available for H. As long as you're not withholding things in a controlling way or trying to teach him a lesson, but instead to just set a boundary that you can maintain that's in line with your values and beliefs. From there he may realize the consequences of not being with the kids, or he might not care today. But that's his choice.
Now who's picking kids up...absolutely, this is in the 10% worthy of discussion. But again, while you must bring it up, you don't need to lay down the law and say "H, I have decided these are the people I am willing to have pick up kids". That is very diminishing of his own voice, his own feedback. You may feel that way, and maybe you're not willing to compromise. But before you lay down the law, you might find a way to bring this up to him that allows him to work with you to come up with a solution or agreement vs. being told what he can and can't do.
Look- I was controlling in my M, as was my W. Both in different ways. I was told by my DB coach "the opposite of controlling isn't to be a rug...it's to be collaborative". She has MANY TIMES helped me voice issues in a way that is all about the team. We're a co-parenting team. We need to win as a team. We both want what's best for the kids. Here's some things we need to figure out as a team. Here are some risks I see. How do you see it? Do you have preferences? I have ideas, but we're a team, and I value your input. Etc.
So again, 1) find a serene place of mind before communicating with your H, free of all fear/resentment/impatience, 2) pick your battles carefully and realize he isn't the person you wish he was and won't do things the way you'd like him to do them, 3) If you've done 1 and 2 and you still need to address something make sure to approach it with the understanding he is his own man that has a voice, and reread it very carefully to make sure there is no trace of you acting like you are his boss. You are partners and the more you respect and include him the more of a man he'll act like. His view is equal to yours. If you see things differently he isn't wrong, it's just his view. Co-parents. In fact, respect breeds respect and many other good feelings. Oh- this is why I LOVE DB COACHES! The rock with things like this.
Hope you have a good holiday weekend!
Last edited by Zues126; 05/23/1512:21 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
So my eldest DD had a rough week at school and to top it off her pet guinea pig died. H tried to do small talk to me in front of the girls while I dealt with burying the pet and his open liner was "how much weight have you lost?"! I replied I don't know, H reply was "but you must have weighed yourself?" I didn't reply back, as I didn't know what to say, I haven't been conscious of how many kgs I've lost..I continued with what I was doing. H walked away when he knew I wouldn't chat. Looking back I could have been a less gruff with him when I replied and been more positive.
GAL activity today involved walking and taking DDs to a free opera event, being out and about have kept me thinking about things for too long.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Journaling: The things is my H wants to be friends, I am not ready for that. I still have a lot of love and emotions for him to "be friends". It hurts not to be able to communicate my day to him with the girls ( though in our M, because I was also so unhappy, I hardly talked about my day).
The NC is necessary for me until I sort myself out and little by little the anxious, stress I feel is starting go away. I want to aim a day where I don't talk about H our interactions and just talk about my plans for the future...
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
So today took the girls rock climbing and H and MIL decided to spend an hour with us. H invited himself. I thought I was going to be anxious the whole time but actually wasn't. Minimum interaction between us and we kept our distance..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
