my story

[hope567]

Thanks all. I love this forum! My wife has floated the idea of having a "right of first refusal" in place, whereby if one if us needs kids watched for say 4 hours or more, we would be expected to offer it up to other spouse first, to watch kids. It sounds ok in concept but a) her boyfriend us living at her house & b) she is not working. So with summer coming up and no school fir kids, I might be putting myself in position where I send kids to her house in a situation I don't approve of. Anyone have experience with this?

[theoden]

Hope,

It's your call. What do YOU want? Do you want the right of first refusal to babysit your kids when your wife is out? Do you want to give that right to your wife and/or the OM? Do you have people in your life you would rather have watch the kids? (Like a stable, loving married couple who is on your side?). It's your call.

At this point the shock and disbelief are very powerful. It all seems surreal.

The best advice I can offer, since your wife is living with OM, is make it your goal to get the best divorce settlement financially and best arrangement with the kids that you can.

This [censored] for your kids. You can't control that. This is America in the 21st Century. Your wife has the legal right to ruin your children's lives and explode your family, and there will be tons of books and talk shows that extol the glories of blended families that will lend support to her thinking. I'm sorry. We live in a f*cked up world. You can't control that. You can't control her. It's not fair. Karma isn't instant the way we would like it. It's possible (though statistically unlikely) that she walks off into the sunset with the OM and lives happily ever after. I'm old school and believe in a Judgement Day with a capital J, and have to trust that in the long-run (like eternity), there will be hell to pay (literally). Read Psalm 73 (it's all about how the unrighteous SEEM to prosper). Maybe this will blow up in her face this side of eternity, maybe it won't. AGAIN, you can't control that. If you believe in God, this might be a good time to start trusting him.

You do have control over YOU. That's it. Bed the best dad you can be, be the best man you can be. Learn to enjoy life again. Breathe. There's a whole world out there to be explored and great deeds to be done. Your life isn't over. It seems that way now. But, trust me, it isn't. There are second chapters. As Wendell Berry says, "Practice Resurrection". Don't let your life suck. You have an amazing capacity for love, friendship and success. Start to tap into it

Set firm boundaries. Don't be available to your wife. Let her know, though your actions, that she's losing you. You do her a dis-service to shield her from the consequences of her actions.

This isn't your fault, by the way. Lots of people will tell you to work on yourself and own up to what you contributed to the demise of your marriage. I think that's helpful several years down the line with the benefit of hindsight. What it does right now is blame you for your wife's infidelity and destruction of your marriage. That's toxic. It's crippling. It teaches you to settle for emotional crumbs and play the "pick me" game with a cheating spouse. Don't buy into it. We ALL have stuff to own up to. Look if you were a rage-a-holic or a heavy drinker, or super-anal, get a grip on that and change it. But right now, trust that your wife [censored]. Really she does. A little anger might be helpful right now. Sometimes anger gives us a place to stand when everything around us seems like it's shifting.

Here is my short list of TO DO items:

1. Get the best lawyer you can. Get the best settlement you can. Get the most time you can with the kids. Don't worry how it will affect your cheating wife's psyche. Don't try to win her back through your divorce negotiations. That will make her respect you less.

2. Get yourself a good therapist and work this out.

3. If you don't have a strong community around you, start building one: Church/synagogue, meet-up groups, alumni events, Divorce-Care, etc. You can't go through this alone. Reconnect with friends and family.

4. Do things to take care of yourself: exercise, eat well, take up hobbies that force you to focus (karate, rock-climbing, boxing, etc.).

5. Become bad-a$$. Dig deep and find your inner manhood again. What you are going through is a huge blow to the male psyche. Become the samurai, the road-warrior, the Crusader, etc. you've always dreamed of being. It's a lot more fun than being a cuckold.

6. Limit contact with your wife to details about the kids, finances and the divorce, via text or through a lawyer. She needs to feel your absence. (This may be the only thing you can do to make her think twice). As long as you allow yourself to be seen as plan B, she'll never really consider the consequences of her actions. Act like you are best option for her. One day you'll believe it. Maybe one day she will. No guarantees.

Strength and Honor.

Theoden

[GH31]

Hope,

5. Become bad-a$$. Dig deep and find your inner manhood again. What you are going through is a huge blow to the male psyche. Become the samurai, the road-warrior, the Crusader, etc. you've always dreamed of being. It's a lot more fun than being a cuckold.

Pay close attention to Theoden.

He has been at this a long time (as have I - don't ask how long) and knows what he is talking about.

Manning up or becoming a bad a€€ is of extreme importance when you're dealing with a cheating wife and OM. I cannot emphasise this enough. You will need all the strength, mojo, swagger, character you have and then some.

Be loving, never let there be a hard word but don't, for a minute, let your boundaries be violated. Now is the time to be unflappable, calm but also a "let justice prevail" mindset. You must also be merciless when you have to be, especially with a divorce settlement, custody, kids etc.

GH31

[Painter]

Personally, I would probably have been honest but dispassionate:

"I am very conflicted about this because I think it would be best for our children to spend as much time as possible with both of us, especially to help them feel that they are a priority to us in this time of upheaval for our family, but I don't think it's good for them to be exposed to your living situation with your lover staying at your place, because I don't want them to think that it's a normal or acceptable situation that I approve of. Do you have any suggestion to how this can be resolved?"

I don't know if this is in sync with DB or if it will be effective. It might not help resolve the issue, but it's stating a boundary that is important to you - and would be, to many.

Beware that percentage of time spent with each parent routinely for a period of 6 months or more can be used in court to modify a custody split. Which again modifies child support...

[theoden]

GH31 is spot on!!!!

[Painter]

And then of course it's the issue of the children becoming emotionally attached to a man who might disappear out of their lives - like he abandoned his own children and wife - her being pregnant, right?

Or - if your kids are hellions - let her have them all the time and see how long he lasts. Fill them up on sugar and red food dye before you drop them off with a new shooting video game that they will insist on playing there. Sorry, just my evil twin taking charge of the keyboard there for a sec...

[hope567]

W texts me this morning that she took kids to do a 5k race fundraiser for the place where we got one of our dogs. Tells me the kids times & her time in walking the dog. This is upsetting to me on many fronts...
- I've done two marathons and countless half etc. W doesn't run. It's my thing, so it hits a nerve that she took kids to this
- I helped choose the dog that we got from this charity
- she didn't mention it but good chance that OM went as well

So, this is upsetting to me. She won't get it if I bring it up; nothing about any of this whole thing is a big deal to her.
Also, why does she tell me this stuff? Trying to hurt me? So detached from the magnitude of what she has done that she doesn't even get it? Still trying to keep me just connected enough that I am a Plan B? I still crave some attachment but sometimes the info hurts.

Also, she has kids thus weekend. She's doing something tonight and parked if I wanted to have the kids fir t he evening. One of our sons is staying with me, the other wanted to stay at grandoarents. This is another tricky scenario. I don't ever want to pass up time with my kids. Both kids would have gone to grandparents if I said no, so she and OM are going to do whatever their plans are. So at least I get extra time with one if my kids, though it has some feeling of being complicit in what W us doing. Thoughts?

[Bob723]

Hello Hope.

Sad to say, but I feel she is telling you these things to try to hurt you. She wants to see if she is going to get a reaction out of you--trying to bait you into an argument. Don't fall for it!

I feel so bad for you, this has to be very difficult. Try to remember to work on detaching emotionally. I am not in the exact same sitch as you, but my W filed for D 7 months ago with no warning. Once I started GAL and began to work on emtionally detaching, I feel more positive about our sitch. I think my W is noticing.

Here's a verse I just came across yesterday. I'd like to share it with you:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

Please hang tough!

Bob

[hope567]

Thanks! I didn't reply, as I am healthier in long run not to take the bait, whether it is intentional or not on her part. Have to choose my battles, so to speak.

[Bob723]

Thanks! I didn't reply, as I am healthier in long run not to take the bait, whether it is intentional or not on her part. Have to choose my battles, so to speak.

You're welcome, Hope. Good for YOU!

Keep up the good work.

Bob