Based on my own recent experience with this kind of behavior i would suggest you go on the offensive. I suspect she and your ex both lied to the police about you. They will have both lied about repeated harassing phone calls, stalking, threats.
The first thing is to get the police report. You need to know how low they have gone.
The next is to never ever do what you did again. The short term feeling is not worth the long term results.
Can you document a pattern on her part to harass you?
If you can and your daughter can vouch for your actions in walmart then I would consider getting a restraining order against her and possibly your ex. I would consider doing this immediately to get yourself on record. I guarantee that she is planning on doing this to you. She will call the police a few more times to set the stage and then do it. After that she will then accuse you of violating the restraining order. You need to move quickly to counter this while presenting your self as the sane person who has been pushed to the edge by her actions and their abuse. I don't think you can sit back and hope it goes away.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
In my case, reading all the above would get me really spinning.
Break it down.
There's plenty to think about here with what will forever be known as the "Walmart incident." I'm almost sad you didn't say, "You MF whore homewrecker!"
Or...
"Hey Slut!"
"Gotten yourself knocked up by anyone else's husband lately?"
"Yo Mother-effer, howz that STD? Any better?"
:-)
I know you will protect yourself. You're a smart cookie. You have D14 to back up the truth. Deep breath.
Trust your instincts, they are your GPS. I think there are a few simple things you could do to protect yourself without turning this into some sorta extended Jerry Springer.
1. Video at Walmart? Maybe just ask the question. Could call Walmart. How do you go about getting the video.
2. Looking at the police report?? IDK...with support physically around you. Although, I wonder if this is really necessary. I mean, there was no incident. I would imagine the video and D14's truth would support your version of events. We already know they are bast--ds. I suspect the police report is just another example.
Even if the dazzling duo have some nefarious plan...it's difficult to make it happen when you have seen her how often? ONCE in a year to 2 years???
BOTTOM LINE:
I think recovery from the trauma of losing a spouse to an affair--matched with a bastard child takes some patience and time to get past. DUH.
There are going to be episodes of venting and despair that we would rather forget. Moments where you lose yourself.
Telling Matt "Size DOES matter" comes to mind :-) Don't regret it a bit. And, I hope it hurt.
Or...when I threw the cool Easy Rider shirt I gave him into the garbage. That was fun.
I loved him intensely and I grieved him intensely.
Today, 3 years after he left, he is the least relevant in my life than he's ever been. I'd say he comes into my thoughts 15% of each day. Quite a change from the 24/7 I used to experience.
There will be times you will lose your shid and explode. Period.
It doesn't make you the lesser person. How can you be lesser than this crazy ho? YOU can't. She is a sad, sick person.
Seeing the woman who was impregnated by your at-the-time husband...well, let's just say, in my opinion, there are times a person is allowed to lose their shid and unload on someone who treated you and your children so badly. There's value in defending your territory. And, especially with daughter, I think expressing the rage is VITALLY important.
Us girls are far too nice and tend to stuff the ugly stuff...then, we turn on ourselves. You didn't. You directed your anger at the source.
You don't do it everyday and you don't wake up each morning with an agenda to avenge your offenders.
You lost your temper. Dealt with some silly accusations and will get on with things. Your daughter will see the strength in speaking up, losing your temper and moving on.
Far better lesson in my opinion.
In my case, I watched my mother sit back and take years and years of abuse, only to be left by her husband for a secretary and smile...even now...whenever she sees the OW. For the past 25 years, my mother has swallowed the anger. And, my mother is miserable and eats her feelings.
My siblings and I would have given anything to see our mom, even today, call her a bit-- to her face. It would have been so refreshing to see our mom admit to the nasty things she felt and thought about this fairly awful woman. She doesn't. She takes the high road and pretends.
My goal in recovery isn't to become Mother Theresa. Their gonna talk and judge you no matter what you do. They are cra-cra...that's what crazy people do.
In my experience...Give yourself as much distance as you can so you can safely feel what you need to feel without the temptation of putting yourself in a position where situations like Walmart can happen.
Safely Express it. Let it OUT. Move on. Keep it in check when you have to. Don't go to jail.
Last edited by LoisB; 05/23/1512:38 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks guys. Here's the thing. I actually feel so much better and empowered now. Not that I'm Billy Bad-ass or anything, but that I got in her head.
I wasn't trying to change her thinking. I know that is impossible. I just wanted to embarrass her. She thinks she is perfect and that everyone adores her. That she can do no wrong.
In fact, that was part of xh's robot response. "She didn't do anything. It was me. I did this." Which I totally agreed that HE did this, but she was totally aware he was married with a family. So, if I go out (while in a r myself, with a child), and start a r with a married man with a family I am not accountable for my actions?
I believe totally that she is so in his head. That she BLAMES everything on him, bc she has a lifetime history of being totally unaccountable. Even he said that to me. That she will never get it. That she will always think she is right. She will never admit to doing anything wrong.
With that, I believe she sees me as a threat and has totally gotten in his head about me. Will this support her case? Yup. Do I care? Nope.
Will I do this again? No. I just don't care anymore. It was a blessing! I believe this! I got in her head. She was embarrassed. Yeah, she got another opportunity to be a victim... but she will be for the rest of her life, so what do I care? I know, some of you think I should be embarrassed by my own behavior, but really, I don't care either. Doesn't mean I'm going to act like that all the time, but... it felt good. Maybe just short term? Well, perhaps, but I needed something to move me along... keep me going. This was very eye-opening.
I am so shocked, above everything, you guys, at how messed up he is. It was a few months ago that I told him I needed space. He was a mess then. He kept looking at me to solve his problems, but did not want to be accountable for anything. He just kept saying, "I don't know what I'm doing." It was making me crazy and I knew I needed to step away and let him figure it out. He was a mess.
But it is soooo evident what happened. And I have never seen anything like it. I have read about narcissism. She is a screaming-hot narcissist. To the max. And what they can do to strong, independent people whom they are in a r with is unbelievable. When xh went back there, he was weak, lost, confused, and looking for someone to figure it out for him. Wow. I cannot believe what has happened to him in the past 4 months.
Please understand I am not saying this to take away his accountability. Not at all. I just cant get it out of my mind how.... gone... he is. He seriously could not look at me. He was trying to flee like crazy. He couldn't respond. And when he did look at me, he was dead. Totally dead. And it wasn't like he was passionate about protecting her or anything. Like a robot... without any... umph.
Well, with all of this, I have gained great insight. I still want to avoid them like crazy, don't get me wrong. But, I'm not worried about going anywhere (I don't think... time will tell). I do want them to get the clear picture that I don't care about them. That I don't want to have anything to do with them, but even through actions, there is no way for them to comprehend that. It is their world and they think that's all people are on this planet for... to worry about them. I don't think so.
He is a coward. He does not take into consideration what he does to the three people who have loved him more than anyone else has- ever. He says he's "not going anywhere." Well, that's on him. My poor d. But, we will work it out.
They can blame me all they want for everything, including my children. Even though they tell him, straight-up. Like when he told the kids about the baby and they totally flipped! I wasn't there, nor did I know he was telling them then. He saw their reaction, knows their thoughts (as he says, "I'm a grown man; I can do whatever I want.") And yet, I have put things in their heads.
Somewhere deep down, he knows the truth. It's easier to ignore it. Blame me. Do as he is told. Like a prisoner. Prisoners don't have fun. And for her... if that's what she needs to have a man.... manipulate, lie, scold, threaten, guilt... well, have fun. You've found the right one.
I mean, you guys have freaked me out a little. I will follow up with some people who I know. I will not leave myself open and vulnerable. I do know I could really up the anti, but honestly, I just don't have the energy, time, nor care for their mess. They sukk. They can have their great life. I don't care anymore!
I think that's a really good thing!
I feel like I had more thoughts, but I'm also distracted with other things. If it comes back... I'll be back.
Mighty the people who told you to document, and get the evidence are sadly, spot on. Please do not ignore them. You need to protect yourself against a couple of unstable people. Otherwise it is 'he said' 'she said'.
The other point is that you are very very much in their minds. This would not have happened if she felt secure, and your xh felt guiltless. They would have thought it was unfortunate, and done nothing more. Look at behaviours. They do not lie. They over-reacted big time. Why???
I am not suggesting you necessarily get a restraining order, but I would document, get the facts, (like the security tape) Get it straight with the police, and keep your information close. I hope you don't need it, but if anything else happens you may.
In my experience they think about and obsess about us The happier we are, the more we cut them out of ourlives, the less they like it. They are messed up and they not only want, but need us to be part of their drama.
Jerry Springer does not make these people up. I wish he did!
Heather, that cracks me up! I knew it was imperative that I add that this was all going down at Walmart!
Oh, and my daughter... she has struggled big time. And your post really had me thinking bout that and her. She is so angry. But that is so far from her natural personality. And her natural personality is so HUGE! She has big, giant personality. She is fun, silly, hilarious, smart, honest, considerate. She is the life of the party. She is always singing, dancing, being silly, putting on a show, joking around. She is just so much fun to be around (most of the time... she still is 14... haha).
My point is... this hurt and anger... it is a totally new concept for her and so outside of what she knows. She is not push over. She stands up for people at school all the time. Because she care about others' well being. That's who she is.
She can't stand hww. But, it is difficult for her, bc she has been raised to be respectful. Even saying things recently that she has to her dad... she was nervous about bc she is not a disrespectful person. When she told me what she texted him, I just informed her that it's ok to express her feelings. I have always told her to be respectful about it, and... she loves her dad.
I know she wants to go off on hww. She is so hurt and betrayed. He is with his other daughter. After he looked d14 in the eyes and said he would never go back. He went back as soon as his daughter was born. I know she feels like he left her this time for a different daughter. It's so sick. I feel so badly for her.
Maybe what I did wasn't the classiest. But, I let him back into my house after what he did to us. We believed his lies. And he did it again. I really struggled with what to do about xh. Should I show my d that you don't let someone do that to you. Or that it's important to work to repair a family. It was tough. And for him to do it again... ouch.
I am not sure I know what the answer is. Inside I go 10million different directions. But, I knew when I saw her.... I knew I wasn't going to just strut by. And yeah.... I had thought of MANY things I wanted to say. But, I think I kept it pretty simple... after all... I had d14 with me!
And I truly believe that this was one of those things that happened for a reason. You know, through this, you get those moments. Just the timing of how things have gone down. I don't know. God sent me to WALMART! Could I have done that at Neiman Marcus? Aaaahhhh....... who am I kiddin????
Ok. So how can you protect yourself and the kids from this escalating?
Keep it simple...
What does your gut say?
From the posts above, seems like the consensus is to document what really went down. What if you were to contact the police and ask them to request the Walmart tape to go on record. It would establish who got their first and it would show you weren't confronting her in person, but through the car.
Could you call today and set that in motion?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
