Thanks for your reply. I'm ok with 2x4s. You are right. I was fulfilling my needs. The last 6 months of our relationship were not good. There was so much distance and conflict, and very little intimacy. It has been even worse since January when she filed divorce and we separated. When she came on to me, I saw it as an opportunity to fulfill my needs. Not for one minute do I believe she has had an epiphany and is ready to reconcile. That may or may not happen.
I want my marriage to survive and thrive. I am not going to continue this dynamic. She may think that she has me wrapped around her little finger, but that is not the case. I am going back to dark and LRT. She knows where to find me. And she won't find me waiting for bread crumbs. I got what I needed to continue my journey forward. I know now that I am still desirable and will be a great catch for somebody. Hopefully her, but that depends on her.
Oh, and protection. Just sayin.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Kramer ... yeah ... I get it and I am not saying I would not have 'fallen' either if my W ever did the same.
And yeah with amount of offspring you have produced ya might wanna double bag it up .... just sayin
So now ... look big picture ... and focus on DBing ... all of it .. not just one part here and there when it suits you. You can do this .. you need to in order to flip the table.
Again, thank you for your detailed responses and interest in my situation. It may not seem like it, but I sincerely value your input and perspective.
Let's just get this on the table: I know this was nothing more than a booty call. I knew what her thoughts were when she originally texted me. I also know that her attire was all part of the plan. It may not seem like it because of some of my actions, but I'm a smart guy. I had no doubt of her intent.
I still don't know the motive, but it's not really the point. I think she is spinning and out of control. I don't think that her affair is over, but definitely cracks in the facade. I think that she is feeling overwhelmed by the results of her actions. She is a 46 year old woman that is now supporting herself and Agee adult children and new grandchild. Her OM has put the brakes on her fairy tale, at least for the moment. She is having to handle all of the stresses that I took care of in the marriage when we were together. Oh, and let's not forget that there are upcoming deadlines brought on by her filing for divorce. AND she will likely lose half of her 401k and pension.
I certainly don't think that this interaction was based on love on her part. It was sex. I get that. I accept that. I agree with that. I'm ok with that. Because I was able to portray to her that it meant something different to ME, not HER. That makes me a better person.
It's hard to put down in words, but I will try. This is something that I needed for some semblance of closure. I didn't want to go through life with such horrible memories of the last few months of our relationship. I realize that in her mind, she was likely fulfilling a need and using me. But, to be honest, I also needed to fill a need. Not just a need for sex and companionship, but also as a sense of redemption and desire ability. The whole affair and divorce filing completely blindsided me and shattered my self confidence. In a weird sort of way, this interaction fed my ego and satisfied my needs. And if we don't make it, I at least have a good memory of our final time together.
Having said all that, I also realize that I need to buckle down and DB my heart out from here on. My wife may never be able to do the hard work necessary to reconcile. That's on her. As for me, I will continue to work on self improvement and myself. The thing is, I now know that I will be alright either way this pans out. I will not give up on my wife and our marriage, but at least now I don't feel so lost, helpless, lonely, and afraid.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Looks as if you received several posts while I was typing out mine. Not sure when you changed your tune, b/c it sounds different from your post describing that night. I hope for your sake you can detach, Krammer.
Hope you have a great weekend get-a-way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey, here's the newest update. My wife just called me again, in tears again. She was on her way home and apparently had a very stressful day. I was busy completing charts, but listened patiently as she was hysterically crying. She said that she was so discombobulated. She told me that she missed her house, her dogs, her husband, and her family. She said that she was so sad and upset about everything that has happened. I simply listened and agreed that her voice sounded sad. She wondered if I was on my way home, but I told her I was still at work. I think that she was expecting me to tell her to come over. Instead, I told her she should go home and take a nap. I told her that I had to finish my charts, and then I hung up.
Better?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
She is feeling more reality about the mess she has caused. I think she was priming you the other night. She is still following a pattern or script of many WW's, by crying, saying she is sorry and misses her former life. But like you said, she is going all around what she should be saying...in hopes you will be the one to ask her to come back and tell her all is forgiven and can just pick up as though nothing happened. Then she has the option of more back & forth stuff.
I really hope you will follow through on your weekend plans. Do not tell her details about your plans, and do not invite her! All she needs to know is that you have made plans (if she puts you in the situation of having to tell her). This is your chance to be mysterious.
This time slot is a little tricky, but it's very important. You don't want to volunteer too much about how you feel or what you want, at the moment, b/c she needs to wonder if you want her back or has she pushed you too far. While doing this, don't sound like a ice cycle or come across as a jerk. Neither should you spread too much "butter" on her, or it will turn her off. If this is the real deal, then she's at a critical point and it could go either way. Just do not pursue her! If you act too eager to reconcile, she'll pull away. Remember, you want her to chase you, and preferably more than one time. This is the time to play hard to get (even if you are wanting her back again). So, you really have to stay balanced and focused, instead of going by your feelings.
If the timing is right, and you play it cool, she should eventually be ready to ask you if you still want to save or work on the M. That is when you tell her, "things are not that simple now". (This is an important message to relay by saying these exact words underlined, at the right time.) You are not saying you don't want to save the M, plus it places focus on the fact that things won't be that easily fixed.
Hopefully, she will be serious enough to ask you to explain what you mean, or she will tell you that she's willing to do whatever it takes. You cannot say it for her! You cannot ask her if she will do whatever it takes. Don't put words in her mouth and don't push her. Take your time and don't rush the process here.
You see, when the WW's life starts falling apart, she will want to return home (she misses her dogs, family, home, and....oh yeah, her H). It's natural to want to go back home when your fantasy falls apart, and that is what the A was all about. She's hurt, rejected, unhappy, and wants to tuck her tail and go back to her home to lick her wounds (and whatever home includes, dogs, H, etc.) I really like it when the WW does this ^ and names the animals first on her list.
If you were to take her back today, she wouldn't be ready. She would not do the work that will be needed to heal the MR. At the moment, she's feeling sorry for her situation. She wants to just say enough to entice you to open the door and say, "Come on".
If she does not go through the process that's needed, and you let her come back too easily, she will turn this back on you and will be right back where it was when she betrayed you.
She may not use the word "remorseful", but she has to feel it....for her sake, as well as the MR.
The weekend the sh't hit the fan at my house, I told my H something similar to being sorry he got hurt. If you can imagine a wayward woman saying those words as cold as ice. That was months before I made the decision to end my A. It took a longer time for me to actually feel remorseful for my behavior/actions and the terrible pain/destruction I had caused. It took even longer for me to go to my H with my broken pride and and try to tell him between my hard sobs how sorry I was for what I had done to him.....and to us. Pride? You 'betcha!! I had a lot of stubborn pride.
Have you thought about what would be necessary to get the M back on track again? Have you read about the transparency plan? I talked a little about this in one of my threads when I was discussing not letting the WW come back too easily.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
More and more I believe in the script as you describe it. I had a WAH, no affair (just high hopes for a better version of a companion) - and like you said, the dog was the first thing he said he missed! I did all of the work and he came back too soon riding my efforts. I got burned badly for it. I wish this on no one.
When someone wants to be with you, they'll find a way. When they don't, well...they'll find a way for that too.
And I think when they're confused and mixed up, it's best to back off, DR for a best chance, and let the truth surface one way or the other - it will eventually.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
