Touch and Go?

[Sis]

I mailed an anniversary card to my husband, spent 20 minutes looking for the 'perfect' card. There should be a section for midlife crisis spouses! Our middle D (27) is visiting him in DC for the weekend and I am happy about that. He seems to enjoy his time with the girls amd me, it's just that the visits are far and few. He was reaching out every 3 days or so for the last few weeks but again has pulled back. My responses have been kind and without pressure, no R talks at all. I really don't know the status of his relationship with OW but since she lives 2400 miles away I know it's an EA at this point since has not taken a trip there in 4 months. Always confusing but I do feel stronger everyday. Moments of pain but not too deep and not for very long. Rainy day here, just needed to vent

[123Gwen]

Sis- you are doing great! Having a safe place to work through things really helps. Glad you are here.

[Sis]

Thanks you Gwen, ironically i was reading some of your posts before I realized you had responded to mine. I am trying to find some of your more recents posts so I can see how things are for you. Timeline is spot on with mine and husband lives 800 miles away. He had taken a job in Seattle 7 years ago from Chicago and I truly believe he's been running ever since! I joined him out there in 2010 after our youngest went to college and we were happy out there for about 2.5 years when he decided he was going to quit that job and take one in VA. It was fueled by a negative review at work. Any case, how is your situation these days?

[Sis]

I'm hoping to get some guidance on how to handle spending time with my MLC husband this weekend. He's due in town for a family wedding, has been really reaching out to our daughters more than usual and keeps asking them how I am. I felt a few weeks ago that there was movement on his part and then he recoiled. I went NC after our 1 year BD because I told myself that was the timeframe I'd work with on moving forward. It really seems like we are transitioning at the same time, me detaching more than ever and feeling really good about things and him checking in, sending messages and being curious about me. Also planned a family dinner for Sunday night at a nice restaurant in the city. I haven't been getting much feedback 😟 so would love to hear from anyone on this matter.

[job]

Sis,
When spending time w/your h this weekend, treat him as you would a friend, nothing more. Remain calm and collected, smile often and hold your head up high. Try to relax and enjoy the festivities as best you can. Keep your expectations at zero or close to zero.

They always tend to get a little bit close and then recoil. They don't want to feel and/or think about what they had because right now, they think we are cause of all of their unhappiness. He'll flutter closer to the candle (you) just like a moth and then flutter away again. In some ways, he's checking to see if you are right where he left you.

BTW, they do tend to get curious and will ask others about you, this is very normal behavior.

One more thing...get a nice dress and be the hottest woman there besides the bride.

Stay the course and keep the focus on you.

[Sis]

Well, I reached my limit on Tuesday evening and lost my sh*t. My husband was on a legit business trip to Vegas and I received an email fraudulent alert from Chase Bank (we share an account but I have NEVER received an email regarding his activity before) someone was watching over me... the email stated there was suspicious activity on his card. Apparently he took a "detour" on his way to Vegas and went to Seattle where OW lives, he stayed for 2 days. When I called to tell him about his card he said "took a detour" I responded that I was ready to file for divorce. Sounds a bit extreme but I had given myself a year to see if there was any movement from him and June 2nd was the year mark. Although I was just starting to see some movement he's still very much in replay. I know myself and the more damage that is done the harder it will be to forgive him so I feel as though cutting ties is the best idea.
Where I really went wrong was texting the OW and given her and earful. I told her he tells me he still loves me, still kissing and hugging, not to mention dinners, drinks, golf, church etc., I shamed her and told her he was still my husband and that he was in crisis. She lied and said he wasn't there and I told her I had just spoken to him and knew he had been there. She tried to get ugly with me but I cut her off. I don't have regrets or feel ashamed. I'm not worried about him running closer to her and I actually feel good about letting her know that if he's lying to me and our kids than he's lying to her too.

I spoke to him today about money for filing and he sounds very sad and unready, didn't get into detail but told him we could talk about how to proceed this weekend. I'm not backing down, I am very angry ( for the first time all year)!! and don't feel that I have much to lose. I've already lost him...

[Wonka]

Sis,

You really need to calm down! I think you're reacting very angrily because your pride was badly wounded with the confirmation that H spent some days with the OW. It is understandable that you're feeling this way, but getting all riled up and acting impulsively by texting the OW isn't helping matters at all.

Find a way to center yourself and impose the 24-our rule when you feel emotions bubbling up on the surface. A lot of the times, the next day you feel differently. The problem with those reactionary actions is that you cannot undo them. Don't stoop to OW's level. You are miles and miles BETTER than she ever will be.

Your H is a very lost man who has lost his way...hence MLC. It will take a looong time for him to burn through the replay phase. You're going have to dig deeeeep for patience.

Tomorrow is another day.

[Sis]

I know I do need to calm down and I needed someone to tell me that, thanks Wonka. Good news is I haven't reached out to OW in the past, for what's it's worth. Not too much of a lunatic...

[Cristy]

Hello Sis,

I am sorry for the situation you are in.

It's not too late to do some damage control after reaching out to the OW and telling your husband that you are filing for divorce.

Please call me to discuss how we can help 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Sis]

I'm not sure I want to do any damage control. My husband initiated a divorce last summer only to drop it when he realized we needed to live sep and apart for a year. It's been hanging over my head throughtout this last year and frankly I find that unsettling and cruel. The law is better in my state so that was my plan. Wait a year, and if things were still going on w the OW then I would file so I don't end up divorced in a random state where the law doesn't work in my favor. As far as reaching out to her, no way to take that back but I maintained the high road. She sounded uneducated and rude. I do wish I had waited a few hours and calmed down a bit. Lesson learned!! Thank you and I will keep the number close